[stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise

[Brad Dunsé]

Jackie,

Thanks for the feedback. You could try 1-800-pay-brad 'grin'.

Brad



On 1/12/2012  04:40 PM Jacqueline Williams said...
>Brad,
>Terrific piece  Your ran all the bases, touching each for a home run. .
>Where can I buy one.
>Jackie





>-----Original Message-----
>From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
>Behalf Of Brad Dunsé
>Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 11:33 AM
>To: Writer's Division Mailing List
>Subject: [stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise
>
>OK. This is a little bit different of a request.
>I'm taking an on-line  freelance commercial
>writing course focusing on
>business-to-Business  copy, and the assignment
>was to write a sales bit geared towards food
>management  pitching  an Acme Pro  cordless commercial can-opener featuring:
>
>• Rechargeable build-in battery. No plug-in cords required.
>• Small size. Takes up half the counter space of
>comparable models, yet just as powerful.
>•The cutting blade has a special mechanism that
>dulls the metal as it opens the can leaving no sharp edges.
>• Sanitary stainless steel construction. Water
>resistant. Withstands a five-foot drop onto a hard surface without damage.
>
>I was to balance out the benefits and features.
>It's written in more of a conversational tone.
>Any  feedback is welcome.  Here's what I came up with.
>
>As food service manager, your job is as easy as
>pie right? Yeah right. Concerns for food safety,
>meal production time, and employee injury all
>blur in the wake of employee schedules, menu
>selections, inventory shrinkage, and product
>rotation, not to mention the chief of concerns 
customer satisfaction.
>
>We at Acme feel there is a small but uniquely
>valuable tool to help you. How does improved meal
>production times, reduced employee injury, less
>workspace clutter, and even a healthy share of
>brownie points with the owner or supervisor sound to you?
>
>When we say small, we mean the footprint-size not
>effectiveness of our Acme Pro commercial cordless
>can-opener. We're talking one-half the size of
>any other opener on the market today, and there's
>no sacrifice of cutting power with this
>water-resistant, stainless steel housed tornado
>either. So what does that mean to you? It means
>cooking staff leaves the canned goods where they
>are and brings the opener to them. Your purveyors
>don't require you to come to their distribution
>house for each case of goods do they? Of course
>not, that's hardly time-efficient. Neither is
>tethering your opener to the outlet, and dangling
>the cord through your salad preps hauling a
>monster-sized opener to the canned goods.
>
>Acme Pro's Cordless counter-top portability also
>converts to less time your staff are walking
>about the kitchen or carrying canned product.
>Kitchen traffic is a leading cause of injury on
>the job right? Each footstep is a risk, and we
>just eliminated a bunch of both threatening your safety record.
>
>Another safety concern we had for your operation
>is cuts. Cutlery concerns are out of our hands,
>but opened cans and lids definitely are, and
>their safe in your cook staff's hands too. Our
>unique cutter has a dulling mechanism to take the
>fear of cuts out of the meal-time prep equation.
>Not only is Acme Pro partnering up with you to
>hold the work compensation rates and work safety
>thermometer at bay, but staff can get the job
>done without treating opened cans and lids as
>weapons of mass destruction. Again, it boils down
>to safer more time efficient meal production, and
>of course 
 those brownie points.
>
>Finally, this little stainless workhorse is built
>to last. If you care to, feel free to drop it
>from a 5-foot surface straight to the floor 
go
>ahead 
 it won't break, we know 
 we've tested it.
>
>Acme Pro commercial can-opener. Safe, fast,
>durable, powerful, and portable. No need to open
>up the brownie mix, you just did with the points
>you scored with staff and management 
that is 

>if you put one of these babies to work for you soon.
>
>Here's how 

>
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Brad Dunsé

"If you want people to stop poking holes in your boat,
get them in the boat with you." --Ron Hammonds

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