[stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise

Fri Jan 13 19:39:45 UTC 2012

Brad,
Thanks, I will check this out. I feel like I do a better job than whoever
edits most of what I run across -- she said in total denial of the mistakes
she herself made on her own novel, *grin*
Donna

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Brad Dunsé
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 11:45 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise

Donna,

Thanks. I'm sure hoping I can write my way out of 
my current job. They seem  to claim there is more 
work than B2B or White Paper writers can keep up 
with, and healthy rates for that kind of work. 
We'll see. 'big smile'. It's a self paced course 
without a grading system really.  I think I can 
get some feedback if I join a forum or two there 
as well, just haven't gotten that far. Too busy studying. 'grin'.

There is a ton of information coming in once I 
joined this group by taking the course, some of 
it yes, selling Bibles to the choir, you find 
that anywhere these days. You can take a cource, 
attend a seminar, or be coached straight to your 
credit card's minimum payment trap, but winnowing 
out the marketing chaff allows for some very 
helpful information.   but there is a ton of 
quick tips, strategies and general help out 
there. I'm really kind of amazed. One thing I 
found out which might be of interest to some 
folks here.  Some of the freelance copywriters 
who write more lengthy stuff like White Papers, 
which I'm interested in myself,  hire  editors to 
make sure grammar and proper English is served. 
In fact, they will use that as their own 
marketing difference from others to give clients 
an added assurance of a team working on their 
projects. If anyone is particularly strong in 
that area, it could well be an income source. 
Below are a couple web sites where editor's 
advertise, though networking is probably always 
best to have some control. Here's the web sites:

http://www.editors.ca/
http://www.editorsnsw.com/esd/

Brad

On 1/11/2012  08:58 AM Donna Hill said...
>Brad,
>This is excellent. I think the tone is just right. You keep the reader's
>interest while addressing their concerns in a conversational manner without
>being overly dramatic (if that's the word for ultra-superlative ad copy).
>You ought to be able to make some money at this. Please let us know what
>grade you get for it.
>Donna
>
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
>Behalf Of Brad Dunsé
>Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 1:33 PM
>To: Writer's Division Mailing List
>Subject: [stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise
>
>OK. This is a little bit different of a request.
>I'm taking an on-line  freelance commercial
>writing course focusing on
>business-to-Business  copy, and the assignment
>was to write a sales bit geared towards food
>management  pitching  an Acme Pro  cordless commercial can-opener
featuring:
>
>• Rechargeable build-in battery. No plug-in cords required.
>• Small size. Takes up half the counter space of
>comparable models, yet just as powerful.
>•The cutting blade has a special mechanism that
>dulls the metal as it opens the can leaving no sharp edges.
>• Sanitary stainless steel construction. Water
>resistant. Withstands a five-foot drop onto a hard surface without damage.
>
>I was to balance out the benefits and features.
>It's written in more of a conversational tone.
>Any  feedback is welcome.  Here's what I came up with.
>
>As food service manager, your job is as easy as
>pie right? Yeah right. Concerns for food safety,
>meal production time, and employee injury all
>blur in the wake of employee schedules, menu
>selections, inventory shrinkage, and product
>rotation, not to mention the chief of concerns 
customer satisfaction.
>
>We at Acme feel there is a small but uniquely
>valuable tool to help you. How does improved meal
>production times, reduced employee injury, less
>workspace clutter, and even a healthy share of
>brownie points with the owner or supervisor sound to you?
>
>When we say small, we mean the footprint-size not
>effectiveness of our Acme Pro commercial cordless
>can-opener. We're talking one-half the size of
>any other opener on the market today, and there's
>no sacrifice of cutting power with this
>water-resistant, stainless steel housed tornado
>either. So what does that mean to you? It means
>cooking staff leaves the canned goods where they
>are and brings the opener to them. Your purveyors
>don't require you to come to their distribution
>house for each case of goods do they? Of course
>not, that's hardly time-efficient. Neither is
>tethering your opener to the outlet, and dangling
>the cord through your salad preps hauling a
>monster-sized opener to the canned goods.
>
>Acme Pro's Cordless counter-top portability also
>converts to less time your staff are walking
>about the kitchen or carrying canned product.
>Kitchen traffic is a leading cause of injury on
>the job right? Each footstep is a risk, and we
>just eliminated a bunch of both threatening your safety record.
>
>Another safety concern we had for your operation
>is cuts. Cutlery concerns are out of our hands,
>but opened cans and lids definitely are, and
>their safe in your cook staff's hands too. Our
>unique cutter has a dulling mechanism to take the
>fear of cuts out of the meal-time prep equation.
>Not only is Acme Pro partnering up with you to
>hold the work compensation rates and work safety
>thermometer at bay, but staff can get the job
>done without treating opened cans and lids as
>weapons of mass destruction. Again, it boils down
>to safer more time efficient meal production, and
>of course 
 those brownie points.
>
>Finally, this little stainless workhorse is built
>to last. If you care to, feel free to drop it
>from a 5-foot surface straight to the floor 
go
>ahead 
 it won't break, we know 
 we've tested it.
>
>Acme Pro commercial can-opener. Safe, fast,
>durable, powerful, and portable. No need to open
>up the brownie mix, you just did with the points
>you scored with staff and management 
that is 

>if you put one of these babies to work for you soon.
>
>Here's how 

>
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Brad Dunsé

"If you want people to stop poking holes in your boat,
get them in the boat with you." --Ron Hammonds

http://www.braddunsemusic.com

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