[stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise
Brad Dunsé
lists at braddunsemusic.com
Wed Jan 11 16:44:50 UTC 2012
Donna,
Thanks. I'm sure hoping I can write my way out of
my current job. They seem to claim there is more
work than B2B or White Paper writers can keep up
with, and healthy rates for that kind of work.
We'll see. 'big smile'. It's a self paced course
without a grading system really. I think I can
get some feedback if I join a forum or two there
as well, just haven't gotten that far. Too busy studying. 'grin'.
There is a ton of information coming in once I
joined this group by taking the course, some of
it yes, selling Bibles to the choir, you find
that anywhere these days. You can take a cource,
attend a seminar, or be coached straight to your
credit card's minimum payment trap, but winnowing
out the marketing chaff allows for some very
helpful information. but there is a ton of
quick tips, strategies and general help out
there. I'm really kind of amazed. One thing I
found out which might be of interest to some
folks here. Some of the freelance copywriters
who write more lengthy stuff like White Papers,
which I'm interested in myself, hire editors to
make sure grammar and proper English is served.
In fact, they will use that as their own
marketing difference from others to give clients
an added assurance of a team working on their
projects. If anyone is particularly strong in
that area, it could well be an income source.
Below are a couple web sites where editor's
advertise, though networking is probably always
best to have some control. Here's the web sites:
http://www.editors.ca/
http://www.editorsnsw.com/esd/
Brad
On 1/11/2012 08:58 AM Donna Hill said...
>Brad,
>This is excellent. I think the tone is just right. You keep the reader's
>interest while addressing their concerns in a conversational manner without
>being overly dramatic (if that's the word for ultra-superlative ad copy).
>You ought to be able to make some money at this. Please let us know what
>grade you get for it.
>Donna
>
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
>Behalf Of Brad Dunsé
>Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 1:33 PM
>To: Writer's Division Mailing List
>Subject: [stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise
>
>OK. This is a little bit different of a request.
>I'm taking an on-line freelance commercial
>writing course focusing on
>business-to-Business copy, and the assignment
>was to write a sales bit geared towards food
>management pitching an Acme Pro cordless commercial can-opener featuring:
>
> Rechargeable build-in battery. No plug-in cords required.
> Small size. Takes up half the counter space of
>comparable models, yet just as powerful.
>The cutting blade has a special mechanism that
>dulls the metal as it opens the can leaving no sharp edges.
> Sanitary stainless steel construction. Water
>resistant. Withstands a five-foot drop onto a hard surface without damage.
>
>I was to balance out the benefits and features.
>It's written in more of a conversational tone.
>Any feedback is welcome. Here's what I came up with.
>
>As food service manager, your job is as easy as
>pie right? Yeah right. Concerns for food safety,
>meal production time, and employee injury all
>blur in the wake of employee schedules, menu
>selections, inventory shrinkage, and product
>rotation, not to mention the chief of concerns
customer satisfaction.
>
>We at Acme feel there is a small but uniquely
>valuable tool to help you. How does improved meal
>production times, reduced employee injury, less
>workspace clutter, and even a healthy share of
>brownie points with the owner or supervisor sound to you?
>
>When we say small, we mean the footprint-size not
>effectiveness of our Acme Pro commercial cordless
>can-opener. We're talking one-half the size of
>any other opener on the market today, and there's
>no sacrifice of cutting power with this
>water-resistant, stainless steel housed tornado
>either. So what does that mean to you? It means
>cooking staff leaves the canned goods where they
>are and brings the opener to them. Your purveyors
>don't require you to come to their distribution
>house for each case of goods do they? Of course
>not, that's hardly time-efficient. Neither is
>tethering your opener to the outlet, and dangling
>the cord through your salad preps hauling a
>monster-sized opener to the canned goods.
>
>Acme Pro's Cordless counter-top portability also
>converts to less time your staff are walking
>about the kitchen or carrying canned product.
>Kitchen traffic is a leading cause of injury on
>the job right? Each footstep is a risk, and we
>just eliminated a bunch of both threatening your safety record.
>
>Another safety concern we had for your operation
>is cuts. Cutlery concerns are out of our hands,
>but opened cans and lids definitely are, and
>their safe in your cook staff's hands too. Our
>unique cutter has a dulling mechanism to take the
>fear of cuts out of the meal-time prep equation.
>Not only is Acme Pro partnering up with you to
>hold the work compensation rates and work safety
>thermometer at bay, but staff can get the job
>done without treating opened cans and lids as
>weapons of mass destruction. Again, it boils down
>to safer more time efficient meal production, and
>of course
those brownie points.
>
>Finally, this little stainless workhorse is built
>to last. If you care to, feel free to drop it
>from a 5-foot surface straight to the floor
go
>ahead
it won't break, we know
we've tested it.
>
>Acme Pro commercial can-opener. Safe, fast,
>durable, powerful, and portable. No need to open
>up the brownie mix, you just did with the points
>you scored with staff and management
that is
>if you put one of these babies to work for you soon.
>
>Here's how
>
>_______________________________________________
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Brad Dunsé
"If you want people to stop poking holes in your boat,
get them in the boat with you." --Ron Hammonds
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