[stylist] King Peeley and the Integra teay: Changes writingprompt

[Lynda Lambert]

Brigid has given you an amazing critique of your story. That was very 
gernerous of her to take so much time to do this and her critique is 
excellent.
Lynda River Woman
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "vejas" <brlsurfer at gmail.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 12:08 AM
Subject: Re: [stylist] King Peeley and the Integra teay: Changes 
writingprompt


>I may work on this story more to develop it as more of a "tell" story, but 
>besides having school I want to also work on other things, but I have 
>ideas.  Thanks for looking at my story.
>
> The "Integra Tea" is kind of like integrity but the tea is a symbol for 
> sour water Amina gave Peeley.
> Thanks again.
> Vejas
> Original Message -----
> From: Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com
> To: <stylist at nfbnet.org
> Date sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:59:06 -0600
> Subject: [stylist] King Peeley and the Integra teay: Changes writing 
> prompt
>
> Vejas,
>
> I may be blunt, but I'm only doing what has been done to me, and still
> is.  To become a great writer, we must walk through the fire and be
> receptive to comments, negative and positive, whether we initially
> disagree or not.  So here I go.
>
> In the title, is Integra teay suppose to be integrity? And also, does
> your title connect with the story, and if so, how?
>
> I read this three times, and I still have no clue what the point is.
> There are so many characters and so many sub-plots, and they don't
> connect all the time.  There's no real common thread weaving characters
> and their situations together.  Beyond listing an imaginary genealogy, I
> see no story.
>
> Your characters are not three-dimensional; they have no depth.  The
> entire story is one reported scene after another.  You never place the
> reader in the moment; the characters are flat and offer no relate
> ability and we learn very little about the characters and setting.
>
> There's virtually no descriptive language in this story.  It reads like a
> history book, and a confusing one at that.  You need to breathe life into
> this story, let the characters come to life and locate a central plot.
>
> This is a huge pet-peeve: dialogue should not be used arbitrarily to
> fill space.  Dialogue must either work to characterize or to further the
> plot.  Most of this dialogue is stunted and quite frankly, not necessary
> most the time because of how the story is constructed.  Let your dialogue
> move the plot along and/or characterize characters.  Don't let dialogue
> become redundant either.  If a character says it once, they don't need to
> say it again.  Or if something is said in dialogue, no narration is
> necessary to summarize it, or vice versa.
>
> You jump around so much which leads to the confusion many have commented
> on.  A king dies, a successor takes the throne, suddenly Hawaii is
> brought into the picture then we jump to a sister and end with nothing
> but a listing of how many children were born.  I'm not sure how the end
> resolves anything or connects to the beginning.  You have no real
> conflict which is the driving force in a plot.  Characters need something
> propelling them forward, and by the end, characters should have
> undergone some change, whether it be small or big, or, they don't
> change, but a reason must explain the lack of change.
>
> There's absolutely no scenic development.  Not only are the characters
> flat, no scenic development exist creating the proverbial "show" versus
> the "tell." There should be a balance between scenes and narration.  You
> tell us a lot of things that happen, but never show us- hence the term,
> reported scenes.  In order to truly bring a story and characters alive,
> you must work on developing scenes.  Descriptive language is severely
> lacking in this story, as mentioned previously, which lends itself to
> scenic development along with dialogue, sensory descriptions and
> metaphor and other literary devices.
>
> Why such a focus on pregnancy? After reading this several times, all I
> take away from it is that some chick had a lot of kids.  Babies are born
> and that's all the story seems to be about.  To be honest, this story is
> so laden with characters, it's weighing the plot down.  It's just not
> realistic to have so many characters attempting to play pivotal roles in
> one story.  And the listing of each child and their age reminds me of the
> genealogies in the Bible.  Ask yourself, what are readers suppose to care
> about in this story? What is suppose to compel us to the characters?
> What is the arc of the story?
>
> Watch your sentence structure.  Sentences must be clear and concise.  As
> Donna suggest, go through and do some surgical editing eliminating words
> not necessary and cleaning up sentences.  Your phrasing is not always
> correct.  Make sure each sentence is clear and necessary to the plot.
>
> Watch your paragraphs breaks as well.  Make sure everything in a single
> para is necessary, otherwise, create separate paras.
>
> You have really good ideas but they need fleshing out.  Work on character
> development along with scenic development.  And I know you have a thing
> for multiples, but watch out for using too many characters.  If you
> eliminate characters, does it change the plot? If not, cut them.  Same
> with any narration or scenes; if they don't affect the over-all plot,
> cut them.
>
> This may sound harsh, but you should have witnessed my first writing
> workshop while in university.  Classmates and the instructor shredded my
> story.  I learned though, and I was challenged to try new things that are
> helping to cultivate my own writing.  This is not meant to bring you down
> at all; it's suppose to help you find the weak spots and work on them.
> For the most part, you have solid writing skills, and you, like me, seem
> to never lack ideas.  Imagination goes a long way in creative writing.
> Now work on polishing those ideas.  Breathe life into them.  I believe
> Donna made this comment, but no matter the setting-- historical,
> fantasy, various parts of the world-- characters must be realistic and
> relatable.  Great stories leave us wanting more, identifying with
> characters, feeling what they feel.  Work on using a lot more descriptive
> language and sensory descriptions.  Don't simply tell us what is
> happening, let us experience it with the characters.  And really think
> about the number of characters and how vital a role they need to play.
>
> If you have questions, please contact me.  You truly have a good idea
> here, it just needs fleshing out.  I'm proud that a 15-year-old is more
> interested in using their imagination than participating in many of the
> mind-numbing activities many teens engage in.  Good for you, and keep
> writing.  I'd love to see a revision of this story .
>
> Sincerely,
> Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
> Read my blog at:
> http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
>
> "History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
> The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan
>
>
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