[stylist] King Peeley and the Integra teay: Changes writing prompt

[vejas]

I may work on this story more to develop it as more of a "tell" 
story, but besides having school I want to also work on other 
things, but I have ideas.  Thanks for looking at my story.

The "Integra Tea" is kind of like integrity but the tea is a 
symbol for sour water Amina gave Peeley.
Thanks again.
Vejas
Original Message -----
From: Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com
To: <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:59:06 -0600
Subject: [stylist] King Peeley and the Integra teay: Changes 
writing prompt

Vejas,

I may be blunt, but I'm only doing what has been done to me, and 
still
is.  To become a great writer, we must walk through the fire and 
be
receptive to comments, negative and positive, whether we 
initially
disagree or not.  So here I go.

In the title, is Integra teay suppose to be integrity? And also, 
does
your title connect with the story, and if so, how?

I read this three times, and I still have no clue what the point 
is.
There are so many characters and so many sub-plots, and they 
don't
connect all the time.  There's no real common thread weaving 
characters
and their situations together.  Beyond listing an imaginary 
genealogy, I
see no story.

Your characters are not three-dimensional; they have no depth.  
The
entire story is one reported scene after another.  You never 
place the
reader in the moment; the characters are flat and offer no relate
ability and we learn very little about the characters and 
setting.

There's virtually no descriptive language in this story.  It 
reads like a
history book, and a confusing one at that.  You need to breathe 
life into
this story, let the characters come to life and locate a central 
plot.

This is a huge pet-peeve: dialogue should not be used arbitrarily 
to
fill space.  Dialogue must either work to characterize or to 
further the
plot.  Most of this dialogue is stunted and quite frankly, not 
necessary
most the time because of how the story is constructed.  Let your 
dialogue
move the plot along and/or characterize characters.  Don't let 
dialogue
become redundant either.  If a character says it once, they don't 
need to
say it again.  Or if something is said in dialogue, no narration 
is
necessary to summarize it, or vice versa.

You jump around so much which leads to the confusion many have 
commented
on.  A king dies, a successor takes the throne, suddenly Hawaii 
is
brought into the picture then we jump to a sister and end with 
nothing
but a listing of how many children were born.  I'm not sure how 
the end
resolves anything or connects to the beginning.  You have no real
conflict which is the driving force in a plot.  Characters need 
something
propelling them forward, and by the end, characters should have
undergone some change, whether it be small or big, or, they don't
change, but a reason must explain the lack of change.

There's absolutely no scenic development.  Not only are the 
characters
flat, no scenic development exist creating the proverbial "show" 
versus
the "tell." There should be a balance between scenes and 
narration.  You
tell us a lot of things that happen, but never show us- hence the 
term,
reported scenes.  In order to truly bring a story and characters 
alive,
you must work on developing scenes.  Descriptive language is 
severely
lacking in this story, as mentioned previously, which lends 
itself to
scenic development along with dialogue, sensory descriptions and
metaphor and other literary devices.

Why such a focus on pregnancy? After reading this several times, 
all I
take away from it is that some chick had a lot of kids.  Babies 
are born
and that's all the story seems to be about.  To be honest, this 
story is
so laden with characters, it's weighing the plot down.  It's just 
not
realistic to have so many characters attempting to play pivotal 
roles in
one story.  And the listing of each child and their age reminds 
me of the
genealogies in the Bible.  Ask yourself, what are readers suppose 
to care
about in this story? What is suppose to compel us to the 
characters?
What is the arc of the story?

Watch your sentence structure.  Sentences must be clear and 
concise.  As
Donna suggest, go through and do some surgical editing 
eliminating words
not necessary and cleaning up sentences.  Your phrasing is not 
always
correct.  Make sure each sentence is clear and necessary to the 
plot.

Watch your paragraphs breaks as well.  Make sure everything in a 
single
para is necessary, otherwise, create separate paras.

You have really good ideas but they need fleshing out.  Work on 
character
development along with scenic development.  And I know you have a 
thing
for multiples, but watch out for using too many characters.  If 
you
eliminate characters, does it change the plot? If not, cut them.  
Same
with any narration or scenes; if they don't affect the over-all 
plot,
cut them.

This may sound harsh, but you should have witnessed my first 
writing
workshop while in university.  Classmates and the instructor 
shredded my
story.  I learned though, and I was challenged to try new things 
that are
helping to cultivate my own writing.  This is not meant to bring 
you down
at all; it's suppose to help you find the weak spots and work on 
them.
For the most part, you have solid writing skills, and you, like 
me, seem
to never lack ideas.  Imagination goes a long way in creative 
writing.
Now work on polishing those ideas.  Breathe life into them.  I 
believe
Donna made this comment, but no matter the setting-- historical,
fantasy, various parts of the world-- characters must be 
realistic and
relatable.  Great stories leave us wanting more, identifying with
characters, feeling what they feel.  Work on using a lot more 
descriptive
language and sensory descriptions.  Don't simply tell us what is
happening, let us experience it with the characters.  And really 
think
about the number of characters and how vital a role they need to 
play.

If you have questions, please contact me.  You truly have a good 
idea
here, it just needs fleshing out.  I'm proud that a 15-year-old 
is more
interested in using their imagination than participating in many 
of the
mind-numbing activities many teens engage in.  Good for you, and 
keep
writing.  I'd love to see a revision of this story .

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/

"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan


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