[stylist] Comments on changes poem

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Shawn,

I like this poem. I especially like the line breaks and the emphasis
this places on particular words and ideas. I also like the imagery. It's
difficult for me to critique poetry since I'm no poet or have a ton of
knowledge of the specific forms. I can only offer my opinion, and
reading through this, nothing immediately jumps out as something I think
requires work.

I particularly enjoyed:

The part in evening shadows dwindles below.
Rattling, cricking, clanking we ascend past lights beginning to glow.
The tension ratchets up as we climb; the top grows near. And then we
reach the top the world below us, a short drop, turn, and?.

In a mystery
of motion and gravity
the world turns round us.

I like the juxtaposition of words like, "Rattling, cricking, clanking we
ascend past lights beginning to glow. The tension ratchets up as we
climb."

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 16
Date: Wed, 18 Jan 2012 12:37:31 -0500
From: "Jacobson, Shawn D" <Shawn.D.Jacobson at hud.gov>
To: "'newmanrl at cox.net'" <newmanrl at cox.net>, 'Writer's Division
	Mailing List'	<stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Changes poem
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Ok.  I decided to put together a changes poem of my own.

The Kraken in Evening

The track before us
ephemeral as faerie
we will travel soon.

The part in evening shadows dwindles below.
Rattling, cricking, clanking we ascend past lights beginning to glow.
The tension ratchets up as we climb; the top grows near. And then we
reach the top the world below us, a short drop, turn, and?.

In a mystery
of motion and gravity
the world turns round us.

Dropping into the loop we turn and roll following the faerie track.
Twisting fast, no time for perspective just motion ever changing. With
joy and fear we face the next decent. In constraints yet free we soar
back to the sky. Now underground now flung high in the air, then through
a cave and out to a twisting roll and finally we slow and stop.  We?re
at the end.

Joy and fear?s abode
we salute you and travel
to new attractions.

Shawn