[stylist] Releasing the Demons 1

[Chris Kuell]

Hey Samara,

Thanks for working up your courage and sharing this with us. I assure 
you--your worries were for nothing--this is a very solid piece of writing. 
Very solid. You write cleanly, clearly, the story is compelling, and you've 
given Madeleine a unique voice, at least as far as I've read. I don't think 
you need to worry about her age and writing voice, since you've established 
her as highly intelligent already, and you might make one of her parents an 
English professor or something, which adds even more believability. This 
sample could use just a little more editing--nothing major, a few commas and 
trim a few words here and there, and a dedicated reader could help you with 
some phrasing to make it sound a little more like a 13 year old. Again, just 
some tweaking, as your writing is very good, and all writers benefit from a 
little input from other writers/readers.

My one critique is the repetition of the sentence 'My name is Madeleine 
Tamlin. I was born on March 16, 1998 and for the first thirteen years of my 
life, I lived with my family in Florida...' This phrase occurs 3 times in 
the first few pages, and I think twice is enough.

Taking a larger view, you might want to consider opening differently. What 
you have is fine, there's nothing wrong with it. But, in reflecting on it, 
what if you opened with her release, greeting her parents for the first time 
in years, something very dramatic to hook the reader and make them 
wonder--what happened to her? Or perhaps, Madeleine in college, a college 
English professor telling her to go deeper into her life, quit with the 
cupcakes and butterflies and tell me something real and raw, and she decides 
she will--something like that. Basically, rather than a recap, a scene which 
lets the reader know that she's okay now, living her life, and she survived 
this horrible thing which you are about to read .

You are a good writer, samara, please don't doubt yourself for a second. 
Again, thanks for sharing. And, as with all comments, please take mine with 
a grain or two of salt, meaning, until I sell a million books, my opinions 
are only my opinions. If they ring true to you and you find something 
valuable, great. If not, no big deal, read and ignore.

Peace,

chris