[stylist] Releasing the Demons 1

[Samara Raine]

Thanks, Chris.

I'll definitely have someone look over it when I'm certain I've hit my final 
draft. Word trimming, etc, is something I could certainly use.

Thanks for the note about the repetition. I think I will edit that.

As for the opening, I'll consider it. I only recently added the introduction 
to see whether or not I liked it. Initially, the story was simply the diary, 
as if being told in real time, making the reader wonder whether or not she 
actually does get out of the situation she finds herself in. This intro is 
very recent, but I like the idea. I'll definitely see what I can do. Perhaps 
I'll turn the intro into a prologue, or add a prologue after the intro or 
just incorporate everything I have written.

I already have plans for a sequel, so having a vague idea of where Madeleine 
might be after her captivity certainly helps. By the same token, the story 
might change things down the road. I'll need to keep that in mind and try 
and keep everything lined up correctly so to speak. Don't want to punch too 
many plot holes into the tale.

Anyway, thanks so much for your feedback. I've already got over 30,000 words 
of this story written, so I'm very pleased the first part went over so well.

Samara


----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Saturday, June 16, 2012 9:58 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] Releasing the Demons 1


>
> Hey Samara,
>
> Thanks for working up your courage and sharing this with us. I assure 
> you--your worries were for nothing--this is a very solid piece of writing. 
> Very solid. You write cleanly, clearly, the story is compelling, and 
> you've given Madeleine a unique voice, at least as far as I've read. I 
> don't think you need to worry about her age and writing voice, since 
> you've established her as highly intelligent already, and you might make 
> one of her parents an English professor or something, which adds even more 
> believability. This sample could use just a little more editing--nothing 
> major, a few commas and trim a few words here and there, and a dedicated 
> reader could help you with some phrasing to make it sound a little more 
> like a 13 year old. Again, just some tweaking, as your writing is very 
> good, and all writers benefit from a little input from other 
> writers/readers.
>
> My one critique is the repetition of the sentence 'My name is Madeleine 
> Tamlin. I was born on March 16, 1998 and for the first thirteen years of 
> my life, I lived with my family in Florida...' This phrase occurs 3 times 
> in the first few pages, and I think twice is enough.
>
> Taking a larger view, you might want to consider opening differently. What 
> you have is fine, there's nothing wrong with it. But, in reflecting on it, 
> what if you opened with her release, greeting her parents for the first 
> time in years, something very dramatic to hook the reader and make them 
> wonder--what happened to her? Or perhaps, Madeleine in college, a college 
> English professor telling her to go deeper into her life, quit with the 
> cupcakes and butterflies and tell me something real and raw, and she 
> decides she will--something like that. Basically, rather than a recap, a 
> scene which lets the reader know that she's okay now, living her life, and 
> she survived this horrible thing which you are about to read .
>
> You are a good writer, samara, please don't doubt yourself for a second. 
> Again, thanks for sharing. And, as with all comments, please take mine 
> with a grain or two of salt, meaning, until I sell a million books, my 
> opinions are only my opinions. If they ring true to you and you find 
> something valuable, great. If not, no big deal, read and ignore.
>
> Peace,
>
> chris
>
>
>
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