[stylist] Comments on Eve's gratitude writing prompt

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Eve,

I don't have much time, but I read through this once, and I will give
just a few brief comments.

Your passion definitely comes through. This is good, but careful of
sounding too emotional. Are there some facts like quotes or statistics
you can weave into the piece to ground it a little outside your opinion?
When writing such a piece, it's helpful to include info like this
especially with the tone you take.

For example, You say: "There were some reiterating what the church
presidency had said; they were gracious and level headed. There were
some who were understandably upset after being defeated. There were some
who maintain hope for the future and tried to relay this. And there were
some who wanted the message posted that they did not believe their
candidate was the second coming or anything of that sort, they just had
hopes of a church leader leading the country. There were many, however,
who did believe that he was more than a candidate. They believed that he
was the Messiah and others that now believe the end is near as the great
evil of our President is bringing the new dark ages to reality. The Tea
Party has nothing on this group; with opinions and delusions that span
the global map."

You make a lot of claims here, and it would be good to include actual
statements to back up these claims. How you reference this depends on
what type of nonfiction you're attempting, journalism vs. personal
essay.

It may just be the way it pasted into the email, but work on paragraphs.
It seems there are quite a few places where a para break an happen.

This reads more like an op-ed or newspaper column than a narrative. If
you want to be more journalistic in your approach, you are on the right
track, but if you intend to have more of a personal essay, you may want
to consider some more creative efforts. Try a braid essay where you
weave your own life experience into the topic as it may relate to your
point. Or use some creative language, even placing in some scenes to
support your opinion in a "showing" way instead of just "telling."

I really like how you state the following:  "I say that we did not miss
out on the second coming. We will not suffer without a Bishop at the
helm. We have been given a second chance at salvation with four more
years to work on the mess left by that Texan with (as Hank Hill says,)
??a weak handshake.? We have dodged the bullet that this time was not
shot by a Republican (Cheney), but was a Republican. And we must realize
that it is more than political parties. It is more than religious
zealots. It is more than the endangerment of our civil liberties. It is
everything and all combined and more. If we wish to be led by a Bishop;
we need to go to church, not become one."

That final sentence is really strong and good. I like this comment a
lot, and it clearly states what your point is.

This next comment is not based on my opinion but rather on factual info
even if popular belief still holds to a contradictory  view. You
reference the founding fathers' and how this country was built on
religious freedom, however, even though people often make this
statement, it's not quite true. This country was created, to an extent,
for religious freedom, but Catholics, for instance, were ostracized in
the early years of this country as the fleeing pilgrims had been
persecuted by the Catholic church in England after Queen Mary, often
refered to as Bloody Mary, took the throne, instigating a purge of
sorts. So even after the Revolution war and signing of the Declaration
of Independence, Catholics in particular of Christian denominations,
were not welcomed with open arms. And had Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus,
Jews  or any other religion attempted to practice in the early years of
this country, they would have been ran out of town. Though not all the
founding fathers practiced a Christianity we recognize nowadays (Ben
Franklin, for example, was a Deist) they were not inclusive of all
peoples and religions. Let's not forget most of the founding fathers and
important figure heads of the time including George Washington and
Thomas Jefferson, still owned slaves and had no intention of abolishing
slavery. Nor were women deemed capable of voting, holding land or
running for an office of any kind. And forget people of other
ethnicities or homosexuals. Personally, I would  temper this comment
since it's not quite accurate, though many people often like to make
this claim

I applaud your courage for addressing a controversial topic as you even
point out. Your passion comes through clear, and your tone and voice are
strong.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan


Message: 2
Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2012 09:47:23 -0800
From: Eve Sanchez <3rdeyeonly at gmail.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] Writing prompt- gratitude
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<CACdbYKWcqGWKns5BQSYEPiLmi+fuLubn6H=gKLOGhPrBZ3HyHQ at mail.gmail.com>
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Hi all, I was very inspired to write this. I have it attached and will
paste below. I must first give warning that it may be taken as offensive
to some. I hope you dare to read, but if not; that is your choice to
make as we all have freedom of choice. :) Thanks, Eve

A certain person on my list of FB friends posted a link that I cannot
now find preventing me from sharing. It was a message from the
Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. As
expected; they were gracious. They called for unity and support for the
re-elected President of the United States of America. As expected; they
asked that their followers and members pray for the President and
country. These are politicians, whether they run for office or not, so
they know how to play the game. There was nothing unexpected or
surprising here. What was interesting were the comments that followed.

There were some reiterating what the church presidency had said; they
were gracious and level headed. There were some who were understandably
upset after being defeated. There were some who maintain hope for the
future and tried to relay this. And there were some who wanted the
message posted that they did not believe their candidate was the second
coming or anything of that sort, they just had hopes of a church leader
leading the country. There were many, however, who did believe that he
was more than a candidate. They believed that he was the Messiah and
others that now believe the end is near as the great evil of our
President is bringing the new dark ages to reality. The Tea Party has
nothing on this group; with opinions and delusions that span the global
map.

I say that we did not miss out on the second coming. We will not suffer
without a Bishop at the helm. We have been given a second chance at
salvation with four more years to work on the mess left by that Texan
with (as Hank Hill says,) ??a weak handshake.? We have dodged the bullet
that this time was not shot by a Republican (Cheney), but was a
Republican. And we must realize that it is more than political parties.
It is more than religious zealots. It is more than the endangerment of
our civil liberties. It is everything and all combined and more. If we
wish to be led by a Bishop; we need to go to church, not become one.

Our country was NOT built on Christian values alone. The Fore Fathers
did not intend that this nation be one of morals and values of a
particular church group. Our immigrants did not come to this land to
convert to become drones, one and all alike. The United States of
America has and always will stand for freedom, freedom of choice and
freedom of religion. No one group can dictate to all others what those
choices must be or what they should believe. With that; there is no
freedom. Do we not have gratitude for what this country stands for? If
we do, then we need to stop changing it in a manner that counteracts
those beliefs. We need to honor and accept every person?s right to
freedom and not just those who believe as we do.

I believe that to take away this freedom from any single person is a
great evil. I believe that those who attempt to do this and who take on
the crown of judgment are the evil ones. Did we not learn anything from
the history of the witch trials? Did we not learn anything from the
crusades? Did we not learn anything from the crucifixion, the holocaust,
the slavery, or the stone throwers? Let freedom ring and rejoice. Stop
the oppression from those who dare not drink coffee.  Show gratitude for
what there is and who has given it. God blessed America.



Rejoice, oh Holy Ones, for the gratitude of the world will never be
manifested to its fullest, lest the Seer broadcast all that will not now
come. Without that visionary telecast, though, we must be satisfied and
grateful with the knowledge that the great evil was dodged, the country
of the free will stay as such and the world is safe. For now.