[stylist] Robert's gratitude submission

Sun Nov 25 00:26:28 UTC 2012

Robert,
I like this. Very thought provoking indeed! thanks for sharing. I'll
be checking out the other thought provokers too. Oh, and I am working
my way through messages to your gratitude piece.

On 11/24/12, Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com> wrote:
> Robert,
>
> I miss your thought provokers and the lively discussions they always
> sparked.
>
> I think you capture a young voice in this piece, which is really good
> since the main characters are young students.
>
> A couple suggestions:
>
> I think you can further explore and go deeper with something like this.
> The story as a thought provoker works, but as short fiction, it's a
> little flat. Ask yourself why we should care about these characters,
> what is compelling here? If you expand this at all, you can explore
> these characters and make the story about more than a morality story of
> sorts.
>
> The one thing lacking in this piece is the depth of the characters. They
> are more of an outline right now, but with a strong structure. I want
> characters to leap off the page; I want a reason to care about them and
> their plight. Again, as a thought provoking piece, we know what we are
> looking for, what we should consider, but as pure fiction, we want more.
>
> Second, you provide good descriptions, but consider sensory descriptions
> beyond the visual, and more importantly, try to find ways in which to
> describe internal characteristics without stating them. For example:
>
> You write, "'Mentoring is what happens when you have a more experienced
> person teaching someone who has less experience." Spoke up Bree, the
> soft red curls of the precocious, totally blind 10-year-old bounced as
> she delivered her answer.
> "Hee-hee, it can be fun, too!" Volunteered Chelsea, Bree's partner, a
> tall dark-haired, partially sighted-15-year-old, who was at an awkward
> stage in life (giggles and absent-mindedness)."
>
> You describe Bree as precocious and Chelsea as being awkward. Are there
> ways to show this instead of just tell us? Work on making these
> descriptions more action-oriented than exposition.
>
> And when including a dialogue tag after dialogue, there's a comma before
> the quote unless using a question mark or exclaimation point.
>
> So it should look like this, " Mentoring is what happens when you have a
> more experienced person teaching someone who has less experience {,"
> Spoke up Bree}
>
> And I would split all this info into two sentences as well. It gets to
> be a little  much, and the sentence is clunky.
>
> the soft red curls of the precocious, totally blind 10-year-old bounced
> as she delivered her answer.
>
> Also, you write, "'Ee-U!" Said Chelsea, her tone leaving no doubt of her
> feelings."
>
> Due to the dialogue, it's a little redundant to then include, "Her tone
> leaving no doubt of her feelings." The , "Eee-u," is suffices. Also, I
> assume you wrote eee-u phonetically, but the proper spelling is just ew,
> though honestly, it probably doesn't matter these days, grin.
>
> Otherwise, this has a nice flow. It's a strong start to something you
> can expand.
>
> Sincerely,
> Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter, editor, Slate & Style
> Read my blog at:
> http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
>
> "History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
> The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan
>
> Message: 3
> Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2012 16:48:00 -0600
> From: "Robert Leslie Newman" <newmanrl at cox.net>
> To: "'writers nfb'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [stylist] Robert's gratitude submission
> Message-ID: <01ce01cdc9cc$96bca830$c435f890$@cox.net>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
>
> Hi you all. Below and attached is my short piece of fiction that I would
> appreciate your assistance in making it as good as it can be. this is
> one of my THOUGHT PROVOKERS, a series that I ran for 11 years; all 154
> of them can be found upon my personal website, URL at the bottom of all
> my emails. I am working my way through them in order to --- improve
> them. (They are still being used by many blind related agencies, college
> programs  for counseling purposes and training of new staff.
>
>
>
>
> THOUGHT PROVOKER 118
>
>
> The Mentor
>
>
>
>
> "What does the term mentoring mean?" Asked the teacher. She was
> addressing 10 blind students--five high school students paired with five
> elementary students.
>
>
>
> "Mentoring is what happens when you have a more experienced person
> teaching someone who has less experience." Spoke up Bree, the soft red
> curls of the precocious, totally blind 10-year-old bounced as she
> delivered her answer.
>
>
>
> "Hee-hee, it can be fun, too!" Volunteered Chelsea, Bree's partner, a
> tall dark-haired, partially sighted-15-year-old, who was at an awkward
> stage in life (giggles and absent-mindedness).
>
>
>
> "Very good you two. Now class, let us re-visit our goals in terms of
> mentoring. First there is the obvious in how you are paired, one high
> school and one elementary student. Then in regard to our second major
> mentoring experience for this program, each of you pairs will be
> assigned to mentor an elderly person who is new to blindness."
>
>
>
> The next day, Chelsea and Bree arrived at the home of their mentee.
> Chelsea rang the doorbell. The inner-door was opened by an elderly
> woman. "Yes?" She said through the closed screen door.
>
>
>
> "Hi." Answered Chelsea.
>
>
>
> Stepping out from where her taller partner had thoughtlessly blocked her
> from view, Brie interjected, "Mrs. Johnson. I'm Bree and this is
> Chelsea. We are your mentors."
>
>
>
> "Oh yes girls, excuse me. A person with poor vision can't be too
> cautious." Said the woman, unlocking and opening the door.
>
>
>
> "If I had been in front, you probably could have seen my white cane and
> knew it was us." Said Bree, trying to be tactfully helpful.
>
>
>
> "Possibly, young lady. Hold still and let me have a look at the two of
> you." Said Mrs. Johnson, stepping close, turning her head to the side
> using her peripheral vision. "Pretty. Now how about we go into the
> kitchen, have tea and get to know one another."
>
>
>
> Seated at the table Mrs. Johnson said, "I'm sorry I'm going to have to
> ask one of you to pour. With my vision I'm filling the saucer, as often
> as I fill the cup."
>
>
>
> "Oh please, let me." Chelsea said, jumping up.
>
>
>
> "Excuse me, Chelsea!" The force of commitment in Bree's voice, grabbed
> the moment, "We are here to teach and here's our first opportunity. ---
> Mrs. Johnson, put your hands on top of mine and I'll show you how I
> would do it."
>
>
>
>
> Hands positioned, Bree continued. "Okay, here's the pot; good it's not
> too heavy. There's my cup. See how I bring the spout over, feel it right
> above the cup --- when you tilt the pot, feel it touch the rim and my
> finger, too?"
>
>
>
> "Yes and your finger is poking down into the cup."
>
>
>
> "Yes, I'm a little nervous and don't want to overfill it." Answered
> Bree, a small self-conscious grin sounding in her voice.
>
>
>
> The three of them talked and talked and had a great visit.
>
>
>
> Next day- "Okay mentor teams, time to report. You've had your first
> visit." Said the teacher.
>
>
>
> Bree and Chelsea were the third to report. "We had an awesome visit."
> Said Chelsea. "We go back next week."
>
>
>
> "Mrs. Johnson is 72." Reported Bree. "She has macular degeneration,
> that's where you lose your central vision and she told us all about it."
> Bree went on to tell of those things she and her partner taught their
> mentee. "My most favorite part was when Mrs. Johnson talked to me about
> ageing as a woman."
>
>
>
> "What?" Chelsea wined in a puzzled tone.
>
>
>
> "That was when you took your marathon bathroom break.Anyway, she
> discussed how you must change your attitude and do things differently as
> you get older. And, I'm embarrassed to divulge this, but I never knew
> what age wrinkles were like. I mean, my grandparents all died when I was
> young and so I never got to know them. But now I know about wrinkles,
> Mrs. Johnson showed me."
>
>
>
> "Ee-U!" Said Chelsea, her tone leaving no doubt of her feelings.
>
>
>
> Turning to her partner, hand on hip Bree said, "I beg your pardon. In
> all due respect to the dignity of Mrs. Johnson, she showed me the
> wrinkles on her hands and then the loose and sagging skin of her
> forearm. So to sum up, I mean, we were there to teach Mrs. Johnson about
> blindness, but she taught us about ageing, too. I learned that mentoring
> can happen both ways."
>
>
>
>
>
> Robert Leslie Newman
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> Writers Division web site
> http://www.writers-division.net/
> stylist mailing list
> stylist at nfbnet.org
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> stylist:
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/singingmywayin%40gmail.com
>