[stylist] New story, on memory lanes

[Jacobson, Shawn D]

Chris

Thank you for taking the time to look at my story and for devoting the effort to write extensive comments.  I'm still trying to absorb it all.  Exhortations to the virtues of the blue pencil are so much more useful when wedded to concrete examples.  Your comments are definitely a help.

No promises on when I can get back to this story, very busy here.  Also, have to prepare for our internal audit at NFB of Maryland, so that will require time and energy.  However, I do look forward to doing further work on this.

Once again thanks.

Shawn

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris Kuell
Sent: Friday, September 14, 2012 8:38 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] New story, on memory lanes

Shawn,

This was an interesting story, and a surprisingly quick read for a 
relatively long piece. I liked how you used the bowling tournament as a 
venue for telling your story, and the bits of humor--like when Bill's Mom 
tells him that's how it went with his Uncle Joe--first it was pinball games, 
and then he was off to New Orleans. You have created an empathetic character 
in Bill, and the reader cares what happens to him.

Now, in my opinion, this story is too big for a short story, and would 
better be served in a novella or novel. The primary reason is that the 
science fiction/alien aspect of the story is complicated, and you deal with 
it by having Bill's uncle explain it to us in brief dialogue. This doesn't 
work in two ways. The first is that a writer shouldn't have to explain 
anything, the reader should be able to figure it out, or watch it unfold. In 
their book 'Self Editing for Fiction Writers, Brown and King dedicate an 
entire chapter to the concept, urging every writer to put a post-it note on 
their computer screen (not very useful in most of our cases) with the 
letters, RUE on it. This stands for Resist the Urge to Explain. Because when 
you are explaining, you are telling, which breaks the first rule of writing 
fiction. Secondly, it just isn't satisfactory to the reader. We want that ah 
ha! moment, when we figure things out or come to understand.

I imagine this would be much more enjoyable with a separate section/chapter 
on the Uncle's journey West, where we can see/hear/experience what he has 
experienced through scenes. You do this quite well when the boys are playing 
pinball. The reader doesn't have words for what went on, but it was obvious 
something was going on because you showed us. With scenes, we could 
understand concepts like the mirror, which quite frankly, I don't get from 
reading your story. You could do a better job weaving Native American 
culture, etc. into your piece.

The same goes for the second section of the story, when Bill is grown up. To 
me, it happens too fast, you give the reader all kinds of details to get to 
the last sentence, which is where the real power lies. Better would be 
scenes leading us there, showing Bill doing things, experiencing things, 
reading, talking, taking trips and coming to understand what his uncle was 
really hinting at.

Those are my thoughts on the bigger picture. On the smaller scale, I'd like 
you to consider making the bowling more a part of the story. If the Dad was 
in a bit of a losing streak, maybe even bowled a few lousy opening frames at 
the beginning of the story, his transformation would have even more impact.

You have a number of grammar and punctuation problems which I won't bother 
with here. However, I will encourage you to think tighter--cutting 
extraneous words and asking yourself, does the reader need to know this? 
Here are three examples:

1. They had a girl who looked a bit older than me (about the age of my older 
brother Brad) a boy who looked to be about my age and a younger brother.

rewrite - Three kids sat at the table; a boy about my age, a girl who looked 
a year or two older, and a younger brother.

2. Next was the counter with shoes to rent (of course dad had his own) and 
beyond that...

CK - the part in parentheses is unnecessary

3. He pushed off and then there was the smooth sound of the ball rolling as 
it curved in toward the head pin.  Then there was the crash as the ball hit 
the pocket blasting pins into a blur of white.  Then there was nothing 
standing as the bar pushed fallen pins into the pinsetter.

CK - can you see how the 'then there was...' gets repetitive?
rewrite - He pushed off, the smooth sound of the ball rolling as it curved 
toward the head pin, where it crashed and blasted pins into a blur of white. 
Nothing stood as the bar pushed fallen pins into the pinsetter.



Think tight, with carefully chosen details, and your readers will appreciate 
it.

Happy revising.

chris


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