[stylist] New story, on memory lanes

Thu Sep 20 16:46:21 UTC 2012

Shawn,
I do want you to know that I read and pondered your story. I think you have
two very thorough critiques under your belt that will take an investment,
well spent, in revision.
Lynda and Chris have much good advice to impart. Lynda indicated that I had
knowledge directly about Indian culture, practices, and beliefs. I do. While
teaching at the San Carlos Apache Indian Reservation outside of Globe, AZ, I
attended all of their tribal dances, and saw many of the characters
portrayed by Kachinas. In fact I had a collection of Kachinas. Also, I went
to Flagstaff for a workshop that resulted in my writing the handbook on the
HEED PROJECT. It stands for HEED Ethnic Educational Depolarization, and was
published by the U.S. Government in 1972.
We mixed with people from the Papago, Hualapai, Pima, Apache, Hopi, and
Navaho tribes of Arizona. I traced the similarity and differences of the
tribes. In a way this almost excludes me from critiquing your story. There
is so much in their cultures that is authentically spiritual, that I almost
resist science fictionalizing it.  It is very personalizing. When my son's
remains were on top of Black Mountain in his search for a spiritual
awakening, I used one of the tribes practices to help us get him to another
place. I found a plant similar to the ones there, and tied female peacock
feathers to it (substituted for eagle feather which are illegal to use, and
at the end of the celebration, all who wished to join me, walked up to it
and blew , as a gentle wind blowing the feathers to move his spirit to his
next world. All, without any exceptions, joined me, including all of his
football compatriots who had come from other states, to celebrate his life
after 18 years of not knowing what had happened to him.
This does not mean I believe everything of the Indian practices, but I
respect all of them enough to not want to disturb the natural order of
things in their worlds of belief. 
It would be a tremendous dedication of time to try to remember all I once
knew and learned on a continuing basis. Until I know specifically what you
might want to know, I would prefer not doing this.
Please let me say, I found your story fascinating, and having potential.
Your sincere request for critiquing, and your eager response to those who
have done such a detailed and wonderful job of doing this, bodes well for
your story.
I used to read and watch as much science fiction as I could get my hands on.
Now, I no longer do. It has almost been replaced by reality, or will be
soon, so I listen to Dimensions of the Future, Science of Our Times, and
read everything I can get my hands on in terms of space, climate change,
trigger points, bots in our brains, etc. Fascinating stuff. But all of the
facts being discovered at such increasing speed, make it difficult to write
with the technical knowledge to cover all the basis.
I admire you for wanting to do a credible piece in the scenario you have
chosen.
Good Luck.
Jackie  

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Jacobson, Shawn D
Sent: Tuesday, September 18, 2012 12:56 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] New story, on memory lanes

Chris

Thank you for taking the time to look at my story and for devoting the
effort to write extensive comments.  I'm still trying to absorb it all.
Exhortations to the virtues of the blue pencil are so much more useful when
wedded to concrete examples.  Your comments are definitely a help.

No promises on when I can get back to this story, very busy here.  Also,
have to prepare for our internal audit at NFB of Maryland, so that will
require time and energy.  However, I do look forward to doing further work
on this.

Once again thanks.

Shawn

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Chris Kuell
Sent: Friday, September 14, 2012 8:38 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] New story, on memory lanes

Shawn,

This was an interesting story, and a surprisingly quick read for a 
relatively long piece. I liked how you used the bowling tournament as a 
venue for telling your story, and the bits of humor--like when Bill's Mom 
tells him that's how it went with his Uncle Joe--first it was pinball games,

and then he was off to New Orleans. You have created an empathetic character

in Bill, and the reader cares what happens to him.

Now, in my opinion, this story is too big for a short story, and would 
better be served in a novella or novel. The primary reason is that the 
science fiction/alien aspect of the story is complicated, and you deal with 
it by having Bill's uncle explain it to us in brief dialogue. This doesn't 
work in two ways. The first is that a writer shouldn't have to explain 
anything, the reader should be able to figure it out, or watch it unfold. In

their book 'Self Editing for Fiction Writers, Brown and King dedicate an 
entire chapter to the concept, urging every writer to put a post-it note on 
their computer screen (not very useful in most of our cases) with the 
letters, RUE on it. This stands for Resist the Urge to Explain. Because when

you are explaining, you are telling, which breaks the first rule of writing 
fiction. Secondly, it just isn't satisfactory to the reader. We want that ah

ha! moment, when we figure things out or come to understand.

I imagine this would be much more enjoyable with a separate section/chapter 
on the Uncle's journey West, where we can see/hear/experience what he has 
experienced through scenes. You do this quite well when the boys are playing

pinball. The reader doesn't have words for what went on, but it was obvious 
something was going on because you showed us. With scenes, we could 
understand concepts like the mirror, which quite frankly, I don't get from 
reading your story. You could do a better job weaving Native American 
culture, etc. into your piece.

The same goes for the second section of the story, when Bill is grown up. To

me, it happens too fast, you give the reader all kinds of details to get to 
the last sentence, which is where the real power lies. Better would be 
scenes leading us there, showing Bill doing things, experiencing things, 
reading, talking, taking trips and coming to understand what his uncle was 
really hinting at.

Those are my thoughts on the bigger picture. On the smaller scale, I'd like 
you to consider making the bowling more a part of the story. If the Dad was 
in a bit of a losing streak, maybe even bowled a few lousy opening frames at

the beginning of the story, his transformation would have even more impact.

You have a number of grammar and punctuation problems which I won't bother 
with here. However, I will encourage you to think tighter--cutting 
extraneous words and asking yourself, does the reader need to know this? 
Here are three examples:

1. They had a girl who looked a bit older than me (about the age of my older

brother Brad) a boy who looked to be about my age and a younger brother.

rewrite - Three kids sat at the table; a boy about my age, a girl who looked

a year or two older, and a younger brother.

2. Next was the counter with shoes to rent (of course dad had his own) and 
beyond that...

CK - the part in parentheses is unnecessary

3. He pushed off and then there was the smooth sound of the ball rolling as 
it curved in toward the head pin.  Then there was the crash as the ball hit 
the pocket blasting pins into a blur of white.  Then there was nothing 
standing as the bar pushed fallen pins into the pinsetter.

CK - can you see how the 'then there was...' gets repetitive?
rewrite - He pushed off, the smooth sound of the ball rolling as it curved 
toward the head pin, where it crashed and blasted pins into a blur of white.

Nothing stood as the bar pushed fallen pins into the pinsetter.

Think tight, with carefully chosen details, and your readers will appreciate

it.

Happy revising.

chris

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://www.writers-division.net/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/shawn.d.jacobson%40hud.
gov

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://www.writers-division.net/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/jackieleepoet%40cox.net