[stylist] New story, on memory lanes

Mon Sep 24 20:33:32 UTC 2012

Shawn,
When wanting to write about cultures it is good to have some "sounding 
boards" in that culture. I have written extensively and had much work 
published in academic publications/books on African American culture, art 
and literature. That is my expertise, and I have lectured extensively on it 
as well, at conferences.  I taught various courses at the College on African 
American art, music, literature, etc. as well as African art, literature, 
and music.

You have to be familiar with the cutlure through your own research, as well 
as through the eyes of people within that culture.  Whenever I am doing 
research or writing articles, I have often called upon notable friends 
within that culture, for their feedback and reflections on what I have 
written. Sometimes, you can have one little word wrong, and it changes what 
you mean to say, and you don't realize it.

It is really very helpful to you as a writer, and could save you some 
embarrassment over missing  little details that give credibility. It's 
really important to read the literature extensively, and to know it deeply. 
My advice is to study the HISTORY of the culture, as well as look at the art 
works, and read the literature produced by individuals within that culture. 
Do not limit your knowledge to just one genre, but look at the big picture, 
and go from there. Good Luck!

BTW, my knowledge of SciFi is very limited, studied it only in undergrad 
school, so my advice is based only on my own experiences in general, and not 
with any real experience in SciFi.
Lynda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Jacobson, Shawn D" <Shawn.D.Jacobson at hud.gov>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2012 8:29 AM
Subject: Re: [stylist] New story, on memory lanes

> Jackie
>
> Thank you for you extensive comments.  I do appreciate them.
>
> Whether or not to do literature (science fiction or otherwise) about 
> someone else's culture is a prickly philosophical question and both sides 
> have their share of good and evil.  I did look for books in NLS on Native 
> American culture and found the amount of stuff to be pitiful.
>
> I may be back to ask more questions once I've had a chance to absorb 
> everything and decide just what I need to know.
>
> I know that Charles De Lint does urban fantasy with basis on Native 
> American culture, so maybe I'll read more of that to.
>
> Shawn
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On 
> Behalf Of Jacqueline Williams
> Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2012 12:46 PM
> To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [stylist] New story, on memory lanes
>
> Shawn,
> I do want you to know that I read and pondered your story. I think you 
> have
> two very thorough critiques under your belt that will take an investment,
> well spent, in revision.
> Lynda and Chris have much good advice to impart. Lynda indicated that I 
> had
> knowledge directly about Indian culture, practices, and beliefs. I do. 
> While
> teaching at the San Carlos Apache Indian Reservation outside of Globe, AZ, 
> I
> attended all of their tribal dances, and saw many of the characters
> portrayed by Kachinas. In fact I had a collection of Kachinas. Also, I 
> went
> to Flagstaff for a workshop that resulted in my writing the handbook on 
> the
> HEED PROJECT. It stands for HEED Ethnic Educational Depolarization, and 
> was
> published by the U.S. Government in 1972.
> We mixed with people from the Papago, Hualapai, Pima, Apache, Hopi, and
> Navaho tribes of Arizona. I traced the similarity and differences of the
> tribes. In a way this almost excludes me from critiquing your story. There
> is so much in their cultures that is authentically spiritual, that I 
> almost
> resist science fictionalizing it.  It is very personalizing. When my son's
> remains were on top of Black Mountain in his search for a spiritual
> awakening, I used one of the tribes practices to help us get him to 
> another
> place. I found a plant similar to the ones there, and tied female peacock
> feathers to it (substituted for eagle feather which are illegal to use, 
> and
> at the end of the celebration, all who wished to join me, walked up to it
> and blew , as a gentle wind blowing the feathers to move his spirit to his
> next world. All, without any exceptions, joined me, including all of his
> football compatriots who had come from other states, to celebrate his life
> after 18 years of not knowing what had happened to him.
> This does not mean I believe everything of the Indian practices, but I
> respect all of them enough to not want to disturb the natural order of
> things in their worlds of belief.
> It would be a tremendous dedication of time to try to remember all I once
> knew and learned on a continuing basis. Until I know specifically what you
> might want to know, I would prefer not doing this.
> Please let me say, I found your story fascinating, and having potential.
> Your sincere request for critiquing, and your eager response to those who
> have done such a detailed and wonderful job of doing this, bodes well for
> your story.
> I used to read and watch as much science fiction as I could get my hands 
> on.
> Now, I no longer do. It has almost been replaced by reality, or will be
> soon, so I listen to Dimensions of the Future, Science of Our Times, and
> read everything I can get my hands on in terms of space, climate change,
> trigger points, bots in our brains, etc. Fascinating stuff. But all of the
> facts being discovered at such increasing speed, make it difficult to 
> write
> with the technical knowledge to cover all the basis.
> I admire you for wanting to do a credible piece in the scenario you have
> chosen.
> Good Luck.
> Jackie
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Jacobson, Shawn D
> Sent: Tuesday, September 18, 2012 12:56 PM
> To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [stylist] New story, on memory lanes
>
> Chris
>
> Thank you for taking the time to look at my story and for devoting the
> effort to write extensive comments.  I'm still trying to absorb it all.
> Exhortations to the virtues of the blue pencil are so much more useful 
> when
> wedded to concrete examples.  Your comments are definitely a help.
>
> No promises on when I can get back to this story, very busy here.  Also,
> have to prepare for our internal audit at NFB of Maryland, so that will
> require time and energy.  However, I do look forward to doing further work
> on this.
>
> Once again thanks.
>
> Shawn
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Chris Kuell
> Sent: Friday, September 14, 2012 8:38 PM
> To: Writer's Division Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [stylist] New story, on memory lanes
>
> Shawn,
>
> This was an interesting story, and a surprisingly quick read for a
> relatively long piece. I liked how you used the bowling tournament as a
> venue for telling your story, and the bits of humor--like when Bill's Mom
> tells him that's how it went with his Uncle Joe--first it was pinball 
> games,
>
> and then he was off to New Orleans. You have created an empathetic 
> character
>
> in Bill, and the reader cares what happens to him.
>
> Now, in my opinion, this story is too big for a short story, and would
> better be served in a novella or novel. The primary reason is that the
> science fiction/alien aspect of the story is complicated, and you deal 
> with
> it by having Bill's uncle explain it to us in brief dialogue. This doesn't
> work in two ways. The first is that a writer shouldn't have to explain
> anything, the reader should be able to figure it out, or watch it unfold. 
> In
>
> their book 'Self Editing for Fiction Writers, Brown and King dedicate an
> entire chapter to the concept, urging every writer to put a post-it note 
> on
> their computer screen (not very useful in most of our cases) with the
> letters, RUE on it. This stands for Resist the Urge to Explain. Because 
> when
>
> you are explaining, you are telling, which breaks the first rule of 
> writing
> fiction. Secondly, it just isn't satisfactory to the reader. We want that 
> ah
>
> ha! moment, when we figure things out or come to understand.
>
> I imagine this would be much more enjoyable with a separate 
> section/chapter
> on the Uncle's journey West, where we can see/hear/experience what he has
> experienced through scenes. You do this quite well when the boys are 
> playing
>
> pinball. The reader doesn't have words for what went on, but it was 
> obvious
> something was going on because you showed us. With scenes, we could
> understand concepts like the mirror, which quite frankly, I don't get from
> reading your story. You could do a better job weaving Native American
> culture, etc. into your piece.
>
> The same goes for the second section of the story, when Bill is grown up. 
> To
>
> me, it happens too fast, you give the reader all kinds of details to get 
> to
> the last sentence, which is where the real power lies. Better would be
> scenes leading us there, showing Bill doing things, experiencing things,
> reading, talking, taking trips and coming to understand what his uncle was
> really hinting at.
>
> Those are my thoughts on the bigger picture. On the smaller scale, I'd 
> like
> you to consider making the bowling more a part of the story. If the Dad 
> was
> in a bit of a losing streak, maybe even bowled a few lousy opening frames 
> at
>
> the beginning of the story, his transformation would have even more 
> impact.
>
> You have a number of grammar and punctuation problems which I won't bother
> with here. However, I will encourage you to think tighter--cutting
> extraneous words and asking yourself, does the reader need to know this?
> Here are three examples:
>
> 1. They had a girl who looked a bit older than me (about the age of my 
> older
>
> brother Brad) a boy who looked to be about my age and a younger brother.
>
> rewrite - Three kids sat at the table; a boy about my age, a girl who 
> looked
>
> a year or two older, and a younger brother.
>
> 2. Next was the counter with shoes to rent (of course dad had his own) and
> beyond that...
>
> CK - the part in parentheses is unnecessary
>
> 3. He pushed off and then there was the smooth sound of the ball rolling 
> as
> it curved in toward the head pin.  Then there was the crash as the ball 
> hit
> the pocket blasting pins into a blur of white.  Then there was nothing
> standing as the bar pushed fallen pins into the pinsetter.
>
> CK - can you see how the 'then there was...' gets repetitive?
> rewrite - He pushed off, the smooth sound of the ball rolling as it curved
> toward the head pin, where it crashed and blasted pins into a blur of 
> white.
>
> Nothing stood as the bar pushed fallen pins into the pinsetter.
>
>
>
> Think tight, with carefully chosen details, and your readers will 
> appreciate
>
> it.
>
> Happy revising.
>
> chris
>
>
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