[stylist] Aine's CNF prompt

[Chris Kuell]

Hi Aine,

Good to have you back on the list. You already received some excellent feedback from Donna on this piece, so since I'm a few days late, I'm going to comment on the revised piece you sent out.

I really enjoyed this essay a lot. Your wit comes through in a very charming way. I'm an amateur guitar player, using audio lessons (and yes, youtube) and it can take me months to learn a new piece, so I'm always amazed at blind musicians who can pick things up so quickly. And, I had no idea how they sight read, and while I understand your explanation--I still don't see how you could possibly do that! My hat is off to you. 

This piece was engaging, funny, interesting, and I think you did a great job with it. Now, as for feedback, my primary recommendation would be to try to tighten it up a bit. As you read over your sentences, think--are there words that I can eliminate without losing meaning? Is that sentence really necessary?

Here's some specifics:
        
It had started off rather well, as I munched on the daily two pieces of toast with peanut butter and honey (my favourite), and partook in the daily morning chitchat. 
CK revision: It started off great, munching on my favorite breakfast--two pieces of toast with peanut butter and honey--and chatting with friends.

However, I was in fact attending a short summer course based at one of the largest private schools in the city.(you can probably kill 'in fact')  This, quite frankly, is somewhere you do not want to get lost, not least because practically all of the buildings minus the one you want to enter will be locked for the holiday period.(You switch to second person here, which is okay I think with your conversational tone, but you could also keep it in first person and make the grammar gurus happier. The word 'peeriod' at the end of the sentence screwed me up, because I don't think it's necessary, and it made me think you accidentally used two periods)  

Speaking from experience, rushing rarely works. I like that little piece of wisdom in your piece. I am also familiar with the dreaded 'looking for the door' scenario. Your sense of humor comes across well there.

I wonder whether you'd take the time to invent a new strategy if you were teaching a small child without sight.(This should probably end with a question mark. And as an aside, I think the elephant story is perfectly fine here. My daughter, a senior in high school, is first chair of the  first violins in the orchestra, and I remember her private teacher using the exact same elephant analogy a few years ago)
  
Because your average four-year-old blindy,(no comma)  probably has zilch (Zero probably works better here) conceptual understanding of the layout of this monster's facial structure. It's not like your going to find one loose in the zoo and idly wander up (to it- delete)  to give it a hands on facial exam, is it.(?)



So what were my chances, in the middle of the crossed-legged mass on the floor, and blind. (I feel your pain, and this also should end with a question mark)

I really put my foot in it when we went on to what what had to be the simplest movement of all. (kill one what)

Obviously counting to eleven, was out of the question (I'd put the comma after obviously, or not use it at all)

Nice job, Aine. Thanks for sharing.

chris