[stylist] Aine's CNF prompt

[Aine Kelly-Costello]

Hi Chris,

Thanks very much for your detailed feedback. When I have a 
minute, I will do exactly as you suggest and remove all the 
superfluous bits I can find.


Best wishes,


Aine

 ----- Original Message -----
From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net
To: <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 10:52:38 -0500
Subject: [stylist] Aine's CNF prompt

Hi Aine,

Good to have you back on the list. You already received some 
excellent feedback from Donna on this piece, so since I'm a few 
days late, I'm going to comment on the revised piece you sent 
out.

I really enjoyed this essay a lot. Your wit comes through in a 
very charming way. I'm an amateur guitar player, using audio 
lessons (and yes, youtube) and it can take me months to learn a 
new piece, so I'm always amazed at blind musicians who can pick 
things up so quickly. And, I had no idea how they sight read, and 
while I understand your explanation--I still don't see how you 
could possibly do that! My hat is off to you.

This piece was engaging, funny, interesting, and I think you did 
a great job with it. Now, as for feedback, my primary 
recommendation would be to try to tighten it up a bit. As you 
read over your sentences, think--are there words that I can 
eliminate without losing meaning? Is that sentence really 
necessary?

Here's some specifics:

It had started off rather well, as I munched on the daily two 
pieces of toast with peanut butter and honey (my favourite), and 
partook in the daily morning chitchat.
CK revision: It started off great, munching on my favorite 
breakfast--two pieces of toast with peanut butter and honey--and 
chatting with friends.

However, I was in fact attending a short summer course based at 
one of the largest private schools in the city.(you can probably 
kill 'in fact')  This, quite frankly, is somewhere you do not 
want to get lost, not least because practically all of the 
buildings minus the one you want to enter will be locked for the 
holiday period.(You switch to second person here, which is okay I 
think with your conversational tone, but you could also keep it 
in first person and make the grammar gurus happier. The word 
'peeriod' at the end of the sentence screwed me up, because I 
don't think it's necessary, and it made me think you accidentally 
used two periods)

Speaking from experience, rushing rarely works. I like that 
little piece of wisdom in your piece. I am also familiar with the 
dreaded 'looking for the door' scenario. Your sense of humor 
comes across well there.

I wonder whether you'd take the time to invent a new strategy if 
you were teaching a small child without sight.(This should 
probably end with a question mark. And as an aside, I think the 
elephant story is perfectly fine here. My daughter, a senior in 
high school, is first chair of the  first violins in the 
orchestra, and I remember her private teacher using the exact 
same elephant analogy a few years ago)

Because your average four-year-old blindy,(no comma)  probably 
has zilch (Zero probably works better here) conceptual 
understanding of the layout of this monster's facial structure. 
It's not like your going to find one loose in the zoo and idly 
wander up (to it- delete)  to give it a hands on facial exam, is 
it.(?)



So what were my chances, in the middle of the crossed-legged mass 
on the floor, and blind. (I feel your pain, and this also should 
end with a question mark)

I really put my foot in it when we went on to what what had to be 
the simplest movement of all. (kill one what)

Obviously counting to eleven, was out of the question (I'd put 
the comma after obviously, or not use it at all)

Nice job, Aine. Thanks for sharing.

chris

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