[stylist] stylist Digest, Vol 106, Issue 17

[Bill Outman]

Oh, yes, you are referring to "The Tell Tale Heart" by Edgar Allen Poe.  

I liked the story at first blush but I also found the critiques to be pretty
accurate.  The story really put me in the experience as if I were there.  

Bill Outman 



-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit
Pollpeter
Sent: Tuesday, February 12, 2013 12:44 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: Re: [stylist] stylist Digest, Vol 106, Issue 17

Chris,

Thanks for the comments. As always, you give me something to consider.

I agree with the use of "gasp" in that line. I think I want something more
powerful than sigh, but you're right, gasp may give the wrong conotation.

I'm actually not sure about the tell-tell vs. tale-tale. I always assumed it
was tell-tell. One of those homophone situations. Does anyone know for sure?
Maybe I'll look up the Edgar Allen Poe story, grin.

I think I remember SpellCheck wanting to change nurses to nurse's, and I let
it, not thinking to double check the context. I wrote this arund 4 in the
morning, so... Grin.

I tend to write lyrical essays, so the prose can take on almost poetic-like
voice, and to be honest, there are times when I read something I wrote and
think, "Wow, that's pretty but what does it mean?"
So going through another edit, I'll pay attention to those moments and see
if they belong or not.

I hesitated over the bleeding and broken too since he wasn't exactly broken.
He was sick, and I guess I was trying to find an exaggerated emotion to
demonstrate how it felt. Also, I wrote the part of everything being muted
except for the sound of Declan because in that moment, all I heard was his
little quiet sounds. I can try making this clearer.

I see what you say about ending it at home sweet home. I thought of this
too, but I didn't want to make it too cheesy or corny, and I also didn't
want the focus to be the song, but for the song to just act as a natural
part of the essay. And like I mentioned to Vejas, I wanted to end up back at
the beginning. I can try revisiting this, and maybe I can fuse the two.

I'm just glad I finally had some time to attempt anything, smile. I
literally could hold Declan all day long, but I also have a desire to write,
so it was nice to find time to focus on this even if it was four a.m. grin!

Bridgit
Message: 26
Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2013 08:50:20 -0500
From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>
To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] Bridgit's prompt response
Message-ID: <C46617A3C5E84FCEBDAEEBAC7D667F83 at ChrisPC>
Content-Type: text/plain;	charset="iso-8859-1"

Bridgit,

I think you did a nice job with this prompt, especially how you weaved the
song into the piece at the beginning and the end. Well done. I've also
experienced that overwhelming amount of love you feel when holding your
baby. I've never been able to capture that feeling in prose, and I'm no
poet.  

As for constructive feedback, my primary advice would be to trim. While it's
usually better to use strong verbs, nons and adjectives, sometimes that can
lead to what I think of as over-writing. Here's an example:
I gasp, unsure if this moment is real. 

To me, gasp is too strong. Perhaps sigh?   

Warm liquid gushes around me as I feel the tell-tell tightenings travel down
my stomach.
I think this should be 'tell-tale'

Ross holds my hand as nurse's remark on the intensity of my contractions-
yet I still feel no pain. 
Nurses should be plural, not possessive

They pull him from my body, bleeding and broken. Ross sniffles.
Everything is muted except my baby, but he makes no noise.Don't they cry?
Aren't they suppose to cry?  

To me, bleeding and broken is too strong here. He's not bleeding, he's
bloody. He's not broken, he's distressed, or unresponsive might be even
better. The sentence about muted but your baby who is quiet doesn't make
sense. I'd simplify that by something like--My baby is quiet. Shouldn't he
be crying?

    "We didn't anticipate this. We're not entirely sure what is happening."
The doctor clears his throat. Papers rustle between the heart beats.

This dialogue packs a powerful punch. Every parent's nightmare. And the
papers rustling between heartbeats is a fantastic detail. That puts the
reader right there. Excellent.

Liquid silver laps my wounds, embracing me like a lost friend.
This is absolutely a beautiful line, but does it really belong in this
essay? To me, it's too mellodramatic.   
 
I wished upon a star and have wake with the clouds far behind me. Our
troubles have melted like lemon drops, and I have found you. 
Should that be 'woken'? 

While there's nothing wrong with the last bit, I felt the piece really ended
with 'there's no place like home'. That brings us back to the song, and lets
the reader know everything is okay.

I'm glad to see you writing again, Bridgit, and it's always a pleasure
reading your work. I hope you take my comments as they were intended.

chris


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