[stylist] my response to chris's prompt: re-post

[Donna Hill]

Vejas,
I think you have the beginnings of something really good here. The subject
of bullying is a popular one these days, and you bring out some interesting
angles on it -- the fact that this goes on at school with no teacher
noticing or caring, the lengths to which the kids go, such as, asking how
many pages to the decimal there are in the book.  I found that quite funny,
actually, like a show of wit on the part of the narrator, though it isn't
really written like that. Also, the fact that afterward there were people
who were genuinely sorry, but not the ring leader. I thought it seemed a bit
unrealistic, though, that she would end up with no friends. In my
experience, these people always find a way around it, and even some of the
sorry folks still end up more or less in lock step with the original ring
leader, because of that person's perceived power/confidence. But, that's
just my experience, and a story is a nice place to have a more just outcome.

I think the dialog is a little stiff, but you have the elements, you just
need to get it to sound more life-like. I would suggest listening to
conversations and then trying to re create them. You don't have to write
dialog with every "uh" and every nonsequitor that shows up in real
conversation, but I think it's a good exercise to become aware what actually
is said.

The thing I found missing was something descriptive of Augusta, like the
clothes she's wearing. For a male writer to pull off a female narrator, you
need to find something about her to include that demonstrates your
understanding of her femininity. Even if she's a tom boy, that has it's
social stigmas and rammafications. Now, I wouldn't expect her to explain
that, but she could slip it in  in some way like " I was fixing my hair back
into a ponytail with that pearled barrette Mom got me last Christmas, when,
... Or by inserting a gesture when she's being questioned, a tapping of a
sneaker or high heel, the feeling of perspiration causing her to tighten her
arm closer to her body in case they could see a stain on her blue silk
blouse ... That sort of thing.

I'm glad you fixed some of the spelling mistakes, but there are a few  here
that I found. Apple's products start with a small (lower case) I not a
capital, so it's iPad, with the P being capitalized. Right after that you
use "sory" for "sorry." If you're going for a conversational pronunciation
here, I think I'd rather see it with some indication that you know it isn't
spelled right. I'm not sure how to do that in this case -- sor'y or so-ory,
or s'ory. That last one sounds better with Jaws, but that's no guarantee
that it's the right one.

In this next sentence, "any more" should be one word."Apparently, a long
time ago, there were quite a few princesses named Augusta, but not any
more."
HTH,
Donna

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of vejas
Sent: Sunday, February 10, 2013 11:08 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] my response to chris's prompt: re-post

 Hi,
I sent my prompt in on Friday, but I'm not sure whether anyone got it.  I'm
thinking that possibly my subject of "my short story" wasn't very clear,
since it was right in the middle of other threads.  Or maybe my story's just
too long (1556 words).
Here it is again, with spelling corrections, in case anyone still wants to
look at it.
I'd really appreciate your feedback on it, and I want to say thank you to
anyone who looks at it.  I'm sorry if there were any problems.
Thanks.
Vejas