[stylist] Comments on Vejas's story

[Bill Outman]

Good afternoon.  

It's your story, Vejas, but I had an idea pop into my head as I read through
this.  

I had an idea for your Augusta character who is having trouble appreciating
her name, to the point where she forgot it.  

Perhaps we could have something in the plot around the fact she discovers
that Augusta is the capital of Maine, and she is glad an important city
bears her name.  

Bill Outman 



-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit
Pollpeter
Sent: Saturday, February 16, 2013 4:34 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] Comments on Vejas's story

Vejas,

Sorry this took so long. Been busy, but here are some comments. I've placed
comments throughout text of story with asterisks and parenthesis along with
comments at end.

I Really Don't Know
by Vejas Vasiliauskas
Chapter 1

"Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh, oh, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down."

(As far as formatting goes, I would do a center alignment for the song
lyrics and italicize)

This song, which the girls at our school had been singing, would have been
encouraging if it hadn't been for the banner hung just inside the school
entranceway, where everyone could see it.  It was a banner that kids went up
to on purpose just so they could laugh.  It read:
WHO's the STUPIDEST SCHOLAR? HOW MUCH ARE you REALLY WORTH?
Contestants: Cecil Hamm, GPA 1.65, Augusta Glider, GPA 1.2 (Probably center
or block quote banner info)

I was not laughing, however.  And the reason that I wasn't amused is because
I am Augusta.
Chapter 2
I used to absolutely hate my name.  It's so old-fashioned.  Apparently, a
long time ago, there were quite a few princesses named Augusta, but not any
more.  But in the past few months I've been appreciating my name a little
more, because I am getting much better at German.  *(new para) My friend,
Sabrina, and I have a horrible teacher, Mrs.
Mecklenberg-Strelitz (which is funny, because that's the name of a German
town), because we have to use a site called word-champ to do drills, and
it's not helpful at all.  *(new para) So Sabrina's dad, who spent 3 solid
years in Germany and talks with a slight accent, is helping us quite a bit.
His whole name is Frederick William, which is also the name of rulers *(what
rulers), and he helped assure me that Augusta wasn't so bad after all.  He
told me that if he'd been born in Germany his name would have been Friedrich
Wilhelm.  He also told me that my name in German is Auguste *(is this
suppose to have an E at end?), which sounds really ugly, so now I'm a little
happier with it as it is*( this sentence is pretty clunky, clean up and
shorten, probably make into 2 or 3 sentences).
You might think that since my GPA is 1.2, I'm a loser.  But I'm not.
The problem is that I have extreme anxiety issues.  I spend 4 hours studying
for tests, but I'm so anxious that I don't remember all the information.
The little information that I do remember, I lose as soon as I take the
test.  *(new para) But when I'm outside school with my friend Sabrina, I'm
just my normal self-just like she is.  In fact, by looking at me outside,
you'd never realize that I was like this.
*(lots of telling and reported scenes, try creating scenes and show) Chapter
3 No, it was not my choice to enter this stupid contest.  Actually, our
school had nominated the 2 of us because we were doing really horribly.
I believe that our school is the most judgmental one, ever.  I heard a rumor
that no adults will be around, whatsoever.  In addition, my friend Sabrina,
who happens to be my only friend and has a 3.6 GPA, is the second-most
bullied girl in the school because her older brother is spreading rumors
about her.  I'm so scared.  Maybe from now on, we are going to be the
laughing-stock of the school.
Sabrina deffinetly *(misspelled, definitely) did not want me to take part in
the contest.

"Look, Augusta, I'm sorry," she said to me.  "I know you don't want to do
this.  My dad would never let me do it, anyway.  I know it's going to be on
your mind a lot.  You can have my IPad for the day."
"No kidding? Seriously?" I asked.
"Of course," Sabrina replied.  "There is a Cd here which I really recommend
you listen to.  When my parents got a divorce, my dad suggested that it
would make me feel better, and it has helped so much."
The Cd was called "All about Loons." There were 2 tracks, one with loons and
windchimes, and another with loons and background noise.
"You mean, you listen to this in school?" I asked.
"Yeah, I just put on the headphones when I'm walking.  I hope it makes you
feel a little bit better.  I'm sory *(misspelled)." With that, she walked
off, and it was time for me to face the day.
Chapter 4
Almost everyone was talking about me behind my back that day.  "I think
Augusta will win," or "Look at them.  They're the contestants.  Are they a
couple?" I just wanted to get this whole thing over with.
When I finally did get into the auditorium, Cecil, the other contestant, and
I sat up on *(the) stage.
"Welcome to the Who's the Stupidest? contest!" the student council
president, LeAnna, said, smiling.  "Our contestants are Cecil Hamm, with a
1.65 GPA that does not even compare to the GPA of Augusta Glider, with a
1.2! Let's begin the contest."
*(do students have to participate? Why doesn't Augusta just not
participate?)
"Augusta, you're first.  How many inches are there in a foot?"
I don't even remember.  This was from first grade.  I said the first number
that came to my head.  "Six!"
*(she really wouldn't remember how many inches in a foot?) "Incorrect!"
LeAnna said.  "Actually, the answer is 12.  Some of the questions are harder
and some easier.  Just hold on and we can keep going."
"Cecil, what are the three types of rocks?"
"Igneous, metamorphic and sediment!" he said, smiling.  He felt that he got
the answer right.
"That's actually incorrect.  You had to say igneous, metamorphic and
sedimentary.  The score is zero to zero!"

"Augusta, what is the German form of the name Louis?"
Oh my Gosh.  I've been taking German forever.  I should know this.  I tried
to think of all the names I know.  Friedrich, Wilhelm, Karl...
for some reason these are the only male ones I can think of.
The buzzer went off.
"The correct answer is," LeAnna said, but before she can *(why switch to
present tense?) say it it *(2 "its") came back to me.
"It's Ludwig," I said quietly.
"Ludwig!" LeAnna said, smiling.  "OK, let's move on.  Cecil, in the novel
The Wick of Wisdom, how many pages, to the decimal, are there?"
"365.9," Cecil replied.
"That's incorrect.  The right answer is 365.89 exactly."
"You're kidding me!" Cecil sounded very frustrated.  "That answer would have
been right because it's rounded.  Augusta and I are trying our best here.
You guys shouldn't judge us!"
*(why are these questions asked for contest? Seem random and not very
connected to piece) After this I felt a little better.  I knew that someone
else was on my side.
"Moving on.  Augusta, what was the theme of the winter formal our school had
last year?"
This one's easy-sort of.  I know it was some sort of animal that's now
extinct.  In fact, now I know that it was either a mammoth or a mastodon
*(misspelled).  I can't remember which, though, because they both have "ma"
in them.
"Mastadon *(misspelled)!" I said triumphantly.
"Nope! Wooly mammoth *(misspelled).  Nobody has any points."
"Cecil, what is 10 times 10?"
"100," Cecil said immediately.
"Coreect *(misspelled)," LeAnna said, but she almost had disappointment in
her eyes.  "One last question for Augusta.  Augusta, what's your name?"
The buzzer ended up going off, and I know you're probably laughing at me,
but for some reason, I could not think straight anymore.  I was just
thinking, I'm stupid, they're right, I'm really stupid.
"The correct answer is Augusta!" LeAnna said.
Chapter 5
Suddenly I heard the auditorium door open.  Our principal, Mrs.
Cormann, came in, looking mad.  She was followed by my friend's dad, the one
who'd helped me so much in German.
"What's going on in there *(shouldn't it be "here")?" Mrs.  Cormann asked.
*(this dialogue tag doesn't work, either drop or reword) Sabrina's father
added, "Sabrina called me at work.  She told me that Cecil and Augusta's
peers were going to make fun of them by asking how stupid they were.  I
think that it was very stupid of the student counsel to have this kind of a
game.  I know Augusta very well, and she's very talented, she just gets
easily anxious."
I felt like I could get off stage *(tense switch) , so I did.  I walked up
to him.  Usually, he is pretty easygoing, but the few times he was mad, he
spoke calmly.  I don't think he ever really gets upset unless it's something
horrible.
"Are you OK?" he asked.
"I got Ludwig wrong! The question was the German form of Louis! You taught
me that one yourself!"
"It's okay.  They had no right to judge you like that.  I'm going to let
your parents know, because they need to know what's going on with you."
"They're dismissed," Mrs.  Cormann said.  "I just wanted *(want) to make one
announcement to the entire school.  You had absolutely no right to judge
these 2 kids.  They're just like you.  We want to make this school a very
safe environment.  They did nothing to deserve this.  And if I hear anything
else about any kind of bullying, there will be serious consequences.  Thank
you, Cecil, Augusta, and Sabrina, for keeping your calm and dealing with
such a tough situation the best you can.  Have a good day."
"I'm SO sorry," *period before quote and make this own sentence) LeAnna
said, but you could tell it was fake.  "It was just a game."
After that, Sabrina's dad took me home.  He said that I was actually very
good at German, and his daughter and I'd learned so much.  *(new
para) And the next few days were actually very tolerable, because more
people came up to me to apologize.  But their apologies, unlike LeAnna's,
were sincere.  Everyone else seemingly *(seemed) regretted the fact that
they had followed LeAnna's lead.  After that, LeAnna became the one without
friends.  *(new para) Cecil and I had our own pages on the school website,
where adults and students gave us things that they liked about us.  I
continued to get better and think positively about myself.  And now I've
healed.
The End

Watch your tense. There are places where you switch tense frm past to
present

Plot needs to be fleshed out more. Contest isn't established either. It was
confusing at times. Feels like things just happen with no real motivation or
reasoning Work on sentence construction, lots of run-on sentences, do
surgical editing where you can get rid of words like to and had etc.
What is motivation for characters? Characters flat, need more development
Watch spelling and paragraph breaks I like the short chapters, works well
here Look where you can create scenes as opposed to just telling reader
stuff Ending feels rushed, and I'm not convinced this was horrible enough to
cause deep damage to Augusta, flesh out and establish characters and plot
more As always, very imaginative, has whimsical feel, consider a more Harry
Potter or Matilda mood, magical realism perhaps?


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