[stylist] Comments on Vejas's story

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Vejas,

Sorry this took so long. Been busy, but here are some comments. I've
placed comments throughout text of story with asterisks and parenthesis
along with comments at end.

I Really Don't Know
by Vejas Vasiliauskas
Chapter 1

"Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh, oh, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down."

(As far as formatting goes, I would do a center alignment for the song
lyrics and italicize)

This song, which the girls at our school had been singing, would have
been encouraging if it hadn't been for the banner hung just inside the
school entranceway, where everyone could see it.  It was a banner that
kids went up to on purpose just so they could laugh.  It read:
WHO's the STUPIDEST SCHOLAR? HOW MUCH ARE you REALLY WORTH?
Contestants: Cecil Hamm, GPA 1.65, Augusta Glider, GPA 1.2
(Probably center or block quote banner info)

I was not laughing, however.  And the reason that I wasn't amused is
because I am Augusta.
Chapter 2
I used to absolutely hate my name.  It's so old-fashioned.  Apparently,
a long time ago, there were quite a few princesses named Augusta, but
not any more.  But in the past few months I've been appreciating my name
a little more, because I am getting much better at German.  *(new para)
My friend, Sabrina, and I have a horrible teacher, Mrs.
Mecklenberg-Strelitz (which is funny, because that's the name of a
German town), because we have to use a site called word-champ to do
drills, and it's not helpful at all.  *(new para) So Sabrina's dad, who
spent 3 solid years in Germany and talks with a slight accent, is
helping us quite a bit.  His whole name is Frederick William, which is
also the name of rulers *(what rulers), and he helped assure me that
Augusta wasn't so bad after all.  He told me that if he'd been born in
Germany his name would have been Friedrich Wilhelm.  He also told me
that my name in German is Auguste *(is this suppose to have an E at
end?), which sounds really ugly, so now I'm a little happier with it as
it is*( this sentence is pretty clunky, clean up and shorten, probably
make into 2 or 3 sentences).
You might think that since my GPA is 1.2, I'm a loser.  But I'm not.
The problem is that I have extreme anxiety issues.  I spend 4 hours
studying for tests, but I'm so anxious that I don't remember all the
information.  The little information that I do remember, I lose as soon
as I take the test.  *(new para) But when I'm outside school with my
friend Sabrina, I'm just my normal self-just like she is.  In fact, by
looking at me outside, you'd never realize that I was like this.
*(lots of telling and reported scenes, try creating scenes and show)
Chapter 3
No, it was not my choice to enter this stupid contest.  Actually, our
school had nominated the 2 of us because we were doing really horribly.
I believe that our school is the most judgmental one, ever.  I heard a
rumor that no adults will be around, whatsoever.  In addition, my friend
Sabrina, who happens to be my only friend and has a 3.6 GPA, is the
second-most bullied girl in the school because her older brother is
spreading rumors about her.  I'm so scared.  Maybe from now on, we are
going to be the laughing-stock of the school.
Sabrina deffinetly *(misspelled, definitely) did not want me to take
part in the contest.

"Look, Augusta, I'm sorry," she said to me.  "I know you don't want to
do this.  My dad would never let me do it, anyway.  I know it's going to
be on your mind a lot.  You can have my IPad for the day."
"No kidding? Seriously?" I asked.
"Of course," Sabrina replied.  "There is a Cd here which I really
recommend you listen to.  When my parents got a divorce, my dad
suggested that it would make me feel better, and it has helped so much."
The Cd was called "All about Loons." There were 2 tracks, one with loons
and windchimes, and another with loons and background noise.
"You mean, you listen to this in school?" I asked.
"Yeah, I just put on the headphones when I'm walking.  I hope it makes
you feel a little bit better.  I'm sory *(misspelled)." With that, she
walked off, and it was time for me to face the day.
Chapter 4
Almost everyone was talking about me behind my back that day.  "I think
Augusta will win," or "Look at them.  They're the contestants.  Are they
a couple?" I just wanted to get this whole thing over with.
When I finally did get into the auditorium, Cecil, the other contestant,
and I sat up on *(the) stage.
"Welcome to the Who's the Stupidest? contest!" the student council
president, LeAnna, said, smiling.  "Our contestants are Cecil Hamm, with
a 1.65 GPA that does not even compare to the GPA of Augusta Glider, with
a 1.2! Let's begin the contest."
*(do students have to participate? Why doesn't Augusta just not
participate?)
"Augusta, you're first.  How many inches are there in a foot?"
I don't even remember.  This was from first grade.  I said the first
number that came to my head.  "Six!"
*(she really wouldn't remember how many inches in a foot?)
"Incorrect!" LeAnna said.  "Actually, the answer is 12.  Some of the
questions are harder and some easier.  Just hold on and we can keep
going."
"Cecil, what are the three types of rocks?"
"Igneous, metamorphic and sediment!" he said, smiling.  He felt that he
got the answer right.
"That's actually incorrect.  You had to say igneous, metamorphic and
sedimentary.  The score is zero to zero!"

"Augusta, what is the German form of the name Louis?"
Oh my Gosh.  I've been taking German forever.  I should know this.  I
tried to think of all the names I know.  Friedrich, Wilhelm, Karl...
for some reason these are the only male ones I can think of.
The buzzer went off.
"The correct answer is," LeAnna said, but before she can *(why switch to
present tense?) say it it *(2 "its") came back to me.
"It's Ludwig," I said quietly.
"Ludwig!" LeAnna said, smiling.  "OK, let's move on.  Cecil, in the
novel The Wick of Wisdom, how many pages, to the decimal, are there?"
"365.9," Cecil replied.
"That's incorrect.  The right answer is 365.89 exactly."
"You're kidding me!" Cecil sounded very frustrated.  "That answer would
have been right because it's rounded.  Augusta and I are trying our best
here.  You guys shouldn't judge us!"
*(why are these questions asked for contest? Seem random and not very
connected to piece)
After this I felt a little better.  I knew that someone else was on my
side.
"Moving on.  Augusta, what was the theme of the winter formal our school
had last year?"
This one's easy-sort of.  I know it was some sort of animal that's now
extinct.  In fact, now I know that it was either a mammoth or a mastodon
*(misspelled).  I can't remember which, though, because they both have
"ma" in them.
"Mastadon *(misspelled)!" I said triumphantly.
"Nope! Wooly mammoth *(misspelled).  Nobody has any points."
"Cecil, what is 10 times 10?"
"100," Cecil said immediately.
"Coreect *(misspelled)," LeAnna said, but she almost had disappointment
in her eyes.  "One last question for Augusta.  Augusta, what's your
name?"
The buzzer ended up going off, and I know you're probably laughing at
me, but for some reason, I could not think straight anymore.  I was just
thinking, I'm stupid, they're right, I'm really stupid.
"The correct answer is Augusta!" LeAnna said.
Chapter 5
Suddenly I heard the auditorium door open.  Our principal, Mrs.
Cormann, came in, looking mad.  She was followed by my friend's dad, the
one who'd helped me so much in German.
"What's going on in there *(shouldn't it be "here")?" Mrs.  Cormann
asked.
*(this dialogue tag doesn't work, either drop or reword) Sabrina's
father added, "Sabrina called me at work.  She told me that Cecil and
Augusta's peers were going to make fun of them by asking how stupid they
were.  I think that it was very stupid of the student counsel to have
this kind of a game.  I know Augusta very well, and she's very talented,
she just gets easily anxious."
I felt like I could get off stage *(tense switch) , so I did.  I walked
up to him.  Usually, he is pretty easygoing, but the few times he was
mad, he spoke calmly.  I don't think he ever really gets upset unless
it's something horrible.
"Are you OK?" he asked.
"I got Ludwig wrong! The question was the German form of Louis! You
taught me that one yourself!"
"It's okay.  They had no right to judge you like that.  I'm going to let
your parents know, because they need to know what's going on with you."
"They're dismissed," Mrs.  Cormann said.  "I just wanted *(want) to make
one announcement to the entire school.  You had absolutely no right to
judge these 2 kids.  They're just like you.  We want to make this school
a very safe environment.  They did nothing to deserve this.  And if I
hear anything else about any kind of bullying, there will be serious
consequences.  Thank you, Cecil, Augusta, and Sabrina, for keeping your
calm and dealing with such a tough situation the best you can.  Have a
good day."
"I'm SO sorry," *period before quote and make this own sentence) LeAnna
said, but you could tell it was fake.  "It was just a game."
After that, Sabrina's dad took me home.  He said that I was actually
very good at German, and his daughter and I'd learned so much.  *(new
para) And the next few days were actually very tolerable, because more
people came up to me to apologize.  But their apologies, unlike
LeAnna's, were sincere.  Everyone else seemingly *(seemed) regretted the
fact that they had followed LeAnna's lead.  After that, LeAnna became
the one without friends.  *(new para) Cecil and I had our own pages on
the school website, where adults and students gave us things that they
liked about us.  I continued to get better and think positively about
myself.  And now I've healed.
The End

Watch your tense. There are places where you switch tense frm past to
present

Plot needs to be fleshed out more. Contest isn't established either. It
was confusing at times. Feels like things just happen with no real
motivation or reasoning
Work on sentence construction, lots of run-on sentences, do surgical
editing where you can get rid of words like to and had etc.
What is motivation for characters? Characters flat, need more
development
Watch spelling and paragraph breaks
I like the short chapters, works well here
Look where you can create scenes as opposed to just telling reader stuff
Ending feels rushed, and I'm not convinced this was horrible enough to
cause deep damage to Augusta, flesh out and establish characters and
plot more
As always, very imaginative, has whimsical feel, consider a more Harry
Potter or Matilda mood, magical realism perhaps?