[stylist] try at a rondeau

[Jacqueline Williams]

Barbara,
I had saved your poem to critique and just got to it. It is difficult when I
cannot see it, but after spending much time and many repetitions, here is
what I found. 
First, let me say I think it is an amazing poem. For all the times I saw a
rainbow in the past, I would never have thought of such an original and
unique way of interpreting this phenomenon. It gives a whole new way to
relate. So an A for the content.
Secondly, your rhyme scheme, while perhaps not perfect   with "burrow, and
and marrow, you still have rhymed the last syllable, so close enough to not
detract. So an A-minus, and only if it is entered in a contest with a
stickler for a judge.
Third. In my guidelines it says that the lines can be from 8 to 10
syllables. You have two 7's, mostly 8's, and two 9's. The two 6's are meant
to be that way as a refrain. If something seems wrong to you you could give
a second look at the two shorter lines.
Fourth. Most of your lines are iambic. You have only three lines that are
mixed, that is a few words that do not keep the iambic wythmic sound. This,
again, can give you the feeling of discomfort. But my guidelines do not say
it has to be iambic throughout. 
You have the choice to fiddle a bit with the line length, increasing the
sevens to meet a judge's requirement, you can find substitute words to make
it iambic throughout for your own inner smootness, or you can not label it a
Rondeau, and submit it as an exceptional poem. If you do not label the form,
you will not be judged by the technicalities of the form, but on the poem
itself.
While it never hurts to keep tweaking a poem, I think you can submit this as
is for an exceptional poem.
I like it very much, and feel it shows talent that is growing in your
approach to poetry.
Keep going. It is great to see this. If you would like my definition of a
Rondeau, please let me know. Various books vary sometimes.
Jackie



-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Barbara
Hammel
Sent: Sunday, January 06, 2013 8:48 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] try at a rondeau

Okay, here's my first attempt at a rondeau.  I think it's terrible and
something is wrong with it but I can't figure out how to fix it.

A rondeau is a fifteen-line poem, each line generally consisting of eight
syllables but that's not set in stone.  The rhyme scheme is: quintet is a a
b b a, quatrain is a a b r(efrain wich is the beginning of line one), the
sestet is a a b b a r.
First of all, I started out with perfect rhyme but ran out of wrods - this
would be the end words: sorrow, tomorrow, borrow, marrow and burrow.  Does
this detract from it as much as I think it does?
Well, here's the poem, and I'll attach it, too.
Barbara


     PIECES



PIECES of the rainbow lie there,

Bits of color everywhere,

Fragments of forgotten sorrow,

Shards of hopes for joys tomorrow,

>From darkest blues to pinks so fair.



Once, this rainbow graced the air,

A shimmering arc with shine to spare,

Plenty of hues one could borrow,

Pieces of the rainbow.



But gravity was wont to share,

So grabbed the whole without a care,

And buried it within Earth's marrow,

Shattering it in its burrow,

A puzzle seeming past repair.

Pieces of the rainbow.






Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance. -- Carl Sandburg