[stylist] No greater love

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

RJ,

Here are thoughts and comments:

This may just be for the list, but it's not necessary to state a
flashback. Visually, the white space works to indicate a change, and the
writing itself should provide this info to readers.

Here's an example of a clunky sentence: "John sat in the restaurant when
in the door came a tall, slender, 28 year old white girl with a muscular
build."

First, a comma should come before when, but this sentence can use some
surgical editing. Example: "John was sitting in the restaurant when a
tall, slender, white girl about twenty-eight-years-old walked in. She
had a muscular build."

And 28 years old needs hyphens, example, twenty-eight-years-old. When
writing ages this way, you need the hyphens.

Question: You say this girl looks like a professional wrestler, but the
sentence before she's described as slender. I know some female wrestlers
are more the divas, but when you just say pro wrestler, I picture Chyna
or Sable. You may want to consider describing her differently.

Dialogue should be it's own paragraph. And why the exclamation point?
Exclamation points should be used sparingly, and used only when
something is truly an exclamatory statement.

Also be careful with dialogue tags. Instead of the dialogue tag, try to
show an emotion or tone or characteristic with strong verbs, creating an
action.

You need to work on paragraph breaks. You have a lot of sections that
need to have para breaks. Especially the dialogue. Actions attributed to
a speaker are contained within the same para as the dialogue, but
otherwise, you need para breaks.

It's confusing when you say John lusted after Ashley, but then in the
following para, he says he's in love. Then he asks her when will she
realize John is the one she would love and not Jesus, but didn't they
just meet? If we are out of the flashback at this point, you need a
clearer indicator. Otherwise, it seems odd that John would confess love
for a girl he just met.

Again, work on actions as opposed to dialogue tags.

The following is a good descriptive sentence with a good metaphor: "She
looked into the mirror and she could see tears like little raindrops
falling onto the Bible."

Except it needs a little clean up: "She looked into the mirror, watching
her tears fall onto the Bible like little rain drops."

When Ashley spills info about her past, this would be a great place for
a flashback. Create a scene, placing readers into Ashley's world instead
of just telling us.

Consider paraphrasing the Bible story. It is a bit long for a direct
quote, and it takes the reader out of the story for a moment. Especially
since it's KJ and not a more contemporary version.

Ashley's story about the blind pastor is just too unrealistic, and it
plays like a morality play. I don't believe it was that easy for Ashley
to accept Jesus, or for her pimp to be arrested like that. In reality,
this situation would probably have been way more dramatic and intense. I
feel no intensity in this scene.

Sections like this need to go: "Ashley turned off the computer and
walked into the bathroom to shower, brush her teeth, shave her legs and
get ready for bed."
It's unnecessary information. Every little thing you write needs to
either further the plot or assist with character development.
Descriptions like this do neither and should be cut.

There needs to be way more character development. These characters are
not three-dimensional nor is there relationship. We need more to make us
believe the relationship and the characters in general, Both are a
little flat right now and need some life breathed into them. Work on
developing fully-realized characters before adding in the plot.

Okay, a couple of things about this section: First, stop using their
proper names over and over. Close friends don't say each others name
each time they speak. And this reads with a constant, "John, Ashley,
John, Ashley, etc." It is distracting. And it's one of the many, many
sections needing para breaks. Example:

All that week, John couldn't sleep. John 15-13 still ringing in his head

Para break: It was three in the morning on Friday when he
loged*(logged)*  in to Skype. To his surprise Ashley was on line. She
called and John answered.

Para break: "Hello?" John's voice was shaking.

Para break: "John, you sound upset." Ashley said out of concern.

Para break: "Ashley I can't get those words out of my head! You know.
the laying down your life for your friends? Ashley does this mean.
does."

Para break: John Ashley said calmly I'd give anything for you.

Para break: " Ashley, John said, you said we were just friends!
Stephanie."

Para break: *(And who is Stephanie?)* "John, you'll understand in time.
When God is ready, he'll reveal it."

Para break: John cried "Ashley, why do I have to weight?" 

Para break: *(need quotes)* John, patients is the best teacher." Ashley
said softly. She continued. John, I love you with a love that is over
reaching. Agape love is the kind of love Jesus is talking about in John.
Agape is a sacrificial love. It is the same love that brought Jesus to
the cross."

Para break: John was lost and he knew it. All his life he had been
brought up to believe Christianity was a list of do this and don't do
that's. Never before had he heard of God ever loving anyone.

Para break: John finally said, " Ashley, I'm loging *(it's spelled
logging)* off, I'm going to try to get some sleep."

Para break: *(And too much dialogue like this that does nothing for plot
or character development)* "Alright John. See you Sunday." Ashley said
removing her head phones.

Para break: The next day, Ashley showed up at John's house around 10A.M.
*( I think you mean ten o' clock)* She was wearing shorts and a sourt *(
do you mean short)* sleeve shirt. 

Para break: John answered the dore. "Hi Ashley! *(Why an exclamation
point?)* Come in! John said reaching for her.

You get the drift here. You have too many sections like this that need
multiple para breaks.

And I'm not sure why you use exclamation points so frequently. When
greeting a friend, you usually don't say it in an exclamatory way. As
mentioned before, use sparingly and only for statements that are truly
exclamatory.

In this sentence, "stand" should be "standing.": John was surprised to
see gale stand there.

Watch point of view and tense. You switch a lot, so be mindful
especially of the tense switches because they don't seem to be
intentional.

You have a rather abrupt ending. Can you have a smoother ending?

As for plot, it's too preachy and not believable at this point. Your
bare bones have potential. A lost soul seeking love; a terrified atheist
needing a transplant; two unlikely friends, one in love with the
other... This can make a good story, but you need to have some balance
and complexity with both the plot and the characters. Your writing is
rough, but I would focus on character development before anything else.
And remember, in fiction, a good, well-developed scene can have more
impact than exposition. We are told too much instead of seeing it,
placing us in the moment instead of merely observing it.

Focus on your two main characters and their individual situations. Just
write stuff about them and between them even if it won't be a part of
the story. This may help bring some fullness to the characters, provide
some depth.

And the plot is just too much of a morality story, which usually has no
complexity or depth. What is the intent of this story? To proselytize or
create a compelling story with John and Ashley? I need more depth, more
back-story, more complexity and balance.

Like I said though, the initial outline has potential and is ripe with
possibilities. I would love to see a rewrite if you plan to do one.

Bridgit