[stylist] balancing with fiction

[Chris Kuell]

There's been a lot of poetry on the list of late, which is great. But I thought I'd balance the mix with an experimental piece of fiction. Just beware--the language is rated R.

Barroom Philosopher

 

By Chris Kuell

 

Valmore is a towering five-foot-six, bald, with a mortar-block neck. His shoulders are broad and strong, like a fireman, or a long shoreman, or the foreman of a coal mining crew. You've seen him bounce druggies, skin-heads, wanna-be prize fighters--bend a quarter with his bare hands.

 

Valmore says, "One more."

 

Valmore says he thinks the Giants may pull it out this year, and never underestimate the Red Sox.

 

Valmore says be good to your mother. Help her out. Explain the DVD player, again, and no back talk. 

 

Valmore says that the most wonderful sight in the world is the head of a trout as it breaks the surface of the water and swallows the mayfly on the end of your line.

 

Valmore puts down a fresh beer and says, "This one's on the house."

 

Valmore says wind is the most under-estimated element, and grass shacks are flat shacks. People who buy waterfront property get what they deserve.

 

Valmore says to stay away from high tech stocks for a while. Put your money on Chinese imports and wind mills.

 

Valmore says Giuliani is dangerous, says this while toweling the bar--polishing, whispering, lilting, raving--that thick stump of a head turned down your way and cocked to one side.

 

Valmore says the finest moment in the world is when you walk out of a stuck elevator and breathe in fresh air, even if it's full of second hand smoke, the stench of leftover kimchi from somebody's lunch, and some old lady's overly-floral perfume. 

 

Valmore says that if you're lost, ask a blind guy for directions-they always know where they are.

 

Valmore says, "One more."

 

Valmore says the most complicated thing in the world is to lead a simple life, so you'd better be starting. And always wear a tie to a funeral. 

 

Valmore says don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night. Never advise someone to go to war, or to get married.

 

Valmore says the city is no place for a dog.

 

Valmore says he's never had a bad blowjob. Some were better than others, but he's never had a bad one.

 

Valmore says to keep track of the shadows that come up behind you on the sidewalk, because the bastards are waiting to kill you.

 

Valmore says, "Last one."

 

Valmore says nothing is as far away as one minute ago. And regret over wasted time is more wasted time. 

 

Valmore says to beware of young doctors and old barbers. Never let a doctor with a big class ring give you a rectal exam. 

 

Valmore turns the lights down, pours himself a shot and says the best thing you can do is comfort a crying child. Hold her hand, make him laugh, give 'em a hug. Fuck what anybody else says. 

 

Valmore says, "Go home."