[stylist] balancing with fiction

[Donna Hill]

Hi Vejas,
Great to hear from you.

Well, Chris can tell us for sure, but I thought he was the bartender
Donna 

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of vejas
Sent: Thursday, March 28, 2013 9:28 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] balancing with fiction

Hi Chris,
I read through your piece and I liked it.  But I don't understand who
Valmore is.  Is he the philosopher (I'm basing this on your
title?)
Vejas



 ----- Original Message -----
From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net
To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Thu, 28 Mar 2013 21:05:47 -0400
Subject: [stylist] balancing with fiction

There's been a lot of poetry on the list of late, which is great.  
But I thought I'd balance the mix with an experimental piece of fiction.
Just beware--the language is rated R.

Barroom Philosopher



By Chris Kuell



Valmore is a towering five-foot-six, bald, with a mortar-block neck.  His
shoulders are broad and strong, like a fireman, or a long shoreman, or the
foreman of a coal mining crew.  You've seen him bounce druggies, skin-heads,
wanna-be prize fighters--bend a quarter with his bare hands.



Valmore says, "One more."



Valmore says he thinks the Giants may pull it out this year, and never
underestimate the Red Sox.



Valmore says be good to your mother.  Help her out.  Explain the 
DVD player, again, and no back talk.



Valmore says that the most wonderful sight in the world is the 
head of a trout as it breaks the surface of the water and 
swallows the mayfly on the end of your line.



Valmore puts down a fresh beer and says, "This one's on the 
house."



Valmore says wind is the most under-estimated element, and grass 
shacks are flat shacks.  People who buy waterfront property get 
what they deserve.



Valmore says to stay away from high tech stocks for a while.  Put 
your money on Chinese imports and wind mills.



Valmore says Giuliani is dangerous, says this while toweling the 
bar--polishing, whispering, lilting, raving--that thick stump of 
a head turned down your way and cocked to one side.



Valmore says the finest moment in the world is when you walk out 
of a stuck elevator and breathe in fresh air, even if it's full 
of second hand smoke, the stench of leftover kimchi from 
somebody's lunch, and some old lady's overly-floral perfume.



Valmore says that if you're lost, ask a blind guy for 
directions-they always know where they are.



Valmore says, "One more."



Valmore says the most complicated thing in the world is to lead a 
simple life, so you'd better be starting.  And always wear a tie 
to a funeral.



Valmore says don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of 
the night.  Never advise someone to go to war, or to get married.



Valmore says the city is no place for a dog.



Valmore says he's never had a bad blowjob.  Some were better than 
others, but he's never had a bad one.



Valmore says to keep track of the shadows that come up behind you 
on the sidewalk, because the bastards are waiting to kill you.



Valmore says, "Last one."



Valmore says nothing is as far away as one minute ago.  And 
regret over wasted time is more wasted time.



Valmore says to beware of young doctors and old barbers.  Never 
let a doctor with a big class ring give you a rectal exam.



Valmore turns the lights down, pours himself a shot and says the 
best thing you can do is comfort a crying child.  Hold her hand, 
make him laugh, give 'em a hug.  Fuck what anybody else says.



Valmore says, "Go home."




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