[stylist] a very short story

Tue Oct 1 15:50:17 UTC 2013

When I say details, I don't mean personal details like age and name, but
details one could learn from the video clip. Vejas describes what's
happening in the video, but I think a more emotional description can be
found so the reader feels the same emotion as Isabel. I wasn't
particularly moved by the description of the man's plight. Likewise, I
wasn't totally incensed by Maria's insensitivity based on this
description. I intellectually get this and recognize the emotions, but
as an invested reader, I wasn't moved; I didn't have an emotional
response to what is suppose to be a dark, emotional scene. So I think
Vejas can work more to do this. I think he's on the right track. It's
the difference between reading a report of facts and a creative
narrative drawing upon pathos of those same facts.

And as for the friendship, if it were a simple matter of Isabel and
Maria drifting apart, that's one thing, but we are led to believe they
are really good friends, and up to this point, Maria hasn't done
anything so weird or unto wards to make Isabel end their friendship. In
fact, Isabel comments on how Maria always sends really funny video
clips, so we know this isn't anything new, and Isabel looks forward to
watching them. So why the sudden change? Up to this point, Isabel hasn't
had any warning signs that Maria is like this, evident in the fact that
Isabel enjoys the clips Maria sends, and after watching this clip,
Isabel immediately resolves to stop the friendship. So why would Maria
find this funny, or why now reveal this side of her humor? As I said, a
single sentence or two could provide a reason, and it doesn't have to be
a detailed reason or logical one, but in creative writing, things need
intent even if the purpose and intent doesn't make much sense to us, but
it needs to be there nonetheless. Maybe Maria is just trying to be cool,
or maybe she's been hanging with a rough crowd, and this side of her was
opened. Whatever, you can't really just expect a reader to digest this
without some explanation. No, Maria isn't the main character, but she's
a big part of it since we get so much information about her. She's
Isabel's best friend; she's known for sending funny video clips; Isabel
up to this point has always enjoyed the videos sent. So with all this
info, it is important to have some understanding or sense as to why
Maria would find this funny and send it.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Barbara
Hammel
Sent: Tuesday, October 01, 2013 8:53 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] a very short story

Many people have what seems like great friendships until something
happens 
to make them wonder why.
As far as details, she wouldn't know his name or age by a random video.
You 
could perhaps put something in about, say, how his shoulder-length hair 
floated around him or any other description you can think of.  I'd have
to 
work on learning some of those things, too, not seeing them myself.
Barbara

Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.--Robert
Frost -----Original Message----- 
From: Vejas
Sent: Monday, September 30, 2013 11:51 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] a very short story

Hi.
Thank you so much for commenting on my story.
I had a question about something that you said.  What are some ways that
I can describe the man drowning? Like, should I mention his name, his
age, what color hair he had? How could I make it more emotional? (My
eyes were watering when I wrote this, but I suppose it's just because
I'm the writer.) You actually gave me something really good to think
about, with Isabel and Maria.  You're right about Maria having a twisted
sense of humor; Often people think the saddest things are funny, and we
can't explain why.  I suppose it's kind of a test in friendship, like,
are they really your friend? You're right though, why was Isabella
friends with Maria to begin with? I'll have to think of a way to
describe it. Thanks again. Vejas

----- Original Message -----
From: Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Mon, 30 Sep 2013 22:19:27 -0500
Subject: Re: [stylist] a very short story

Vejas,

Your start is strong.  Try to keep this kind of pacing throughout.

This isn't so much a wrong thing as a personal thing for me, but I don't
like the word, "got," and I would prefer something different, but in
creative writing, many rules and traditions are loose, so it's what
works for you, smile.

You need a comma before and after Maria in this sentence: She saw that
her friend Maria had posted...

The following sentence is way too long and clunky: Isabella prepared for
a good laugh and thought about the last video that Maria had sent her,
which was a group of men and women, dressed and otherwise, showing off
by purposely dancing in a whole kitchenful of banana peels to energetic
music.

And you have, "kitchenful," which should be, "kitchen-full."

In the description of the video of the drowning man, you could push it
further with details, though keep it germane to the piece.  The reader
may feel more for this situation if we had even more details.  It
doesn't have to be long and wordy, but something that hits home
emotionally more than this.

Another run-on sentence that's too clunky: Isabella wondered why someone
who had just lost their house and all but a few articles of clothing,
and who had looked so depressed before, why someone, in the midst of
screaming, yelling and carrying on, would smile.  -----Original
Message-----

And pay attention to your comma use.  Make sure you're placing commas in
appropriate places and vice versus.

Can we get any info as to why Maria would think this funny? Even a
single sentence could point to or imply something that would be helpful
to know Maria's motivation.  It would seem this is out of character for
her, especially since Isabel is still her friend at the beginning.  So
why would Maria suddenly have such a twisted sense of humor?

Also watch your paragraph breaks.  If it's just the formatting of the
email, I apologize, but if not, there's a lot of places needing para
breaks.

Over-all, this is one of your better-written pieces you've posted on
Stylist.  I can see you're implementing suggestions made here.  I think
you can go further and "show" more, but not bad.  I didn't feel a real
emotional pull in this piece, but that will come with practice for you.
Good job.

Bridgit
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Vejas
Sent: Monday, September 30, 2013 8:12 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] a very short story

Hi.
First of all, I just wanted to say thank you for all of my comments
about my lost story.  I went back into the archives and found the
attachment. I have a very short story which I wanted to share.  It's
more intense than my usual writing.  I really tried to do the "show
don't tell", but I wonder if I did too much of it? Any comments are
welcome.  This story is short enough that I can post it at the bottom of
the e-mail. Vejas The Flood

Isabella got home from school and raced to her computer.  She was
addicted to Twitter, and being only 12, her parents would not give her a
phone.  She saw that her friend Maria had posted a funny video (or so
she claimed.) Having had a bad day, Isabella eagerly opened up Maria's
post.  Maria had written: "LOL I laughed so hard that I almost died I
mean like come on seriously doesn't that guy look so stupid and
ridiculous?" Isabella prepared for a good laugh and thought about the
last video that Maria had sent her, which was a group of men and women,
dressed and otherwise, showing off by purposely dancing in a whole
kitchenful of banana peels to energetic music.  Every time they had been
ready to slip, she had laughed harder.  But she was a link away from
something completely different. Click...  and then she watched the video
load and play.  She was shocked.  The video clip took place in Alabama
in the center of an intense flood.  Houses were falling.  One man came
out of his house looking helpless, a green shirt and a pair of blue
jeans in his hand plus a couple clothes on him.  He swam slowly, not
knowing exactly which direction to go, it seemed.  His spare shirt and
jeans were soaking wet, but it didn't seem to matter to hm; all he
wanted was to keep his clothes.  After a while it seemed like the man
was just going to give up, and he began to sink more than swim, though
he was still lightly treading water. A couple of seconds later he was
still sinking, and his shirt was pulled out of his hands by the strong
water.  Then, more sinking. There was a small amount of time where it
looked like the man was going to live again.  Isabella saw him treading
water violently, splashing around to get up.  Good for him, she thought.
The man was finally able to get his mouth out of the water, and he
smiled.  Isabella wondered why someone who had just lost their house and
all but a few articles of clothing, and who had looked so depressed
before, why someone, in the midst of screaming, yelling and carrying on,
would smile.  And then she figured it out.  She looked closer into the
man's smile; he looked calm and peaceful.  He was going to give up.  She
had known he would from the very beginning when he had not known which
direction to go but hadn't wanted to admit it to herself.  And sure
enough, he began to sink again, slowly, as the flood continued to get
worse. This time he made absolutely no effort to keep swimming.  And
then he was gone and the video stopped abruptly.  Isabella began to cry.
She vowed she would never again be friends with such a girl who thought
that that man's pain was her pleasure.  That poor man!

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/bpollpeter%4
0hotmai
l.com

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/alpineimagin
ation%40gmail.com

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for 
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/poetlori8%40msn.com

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/bpollpeter%40hotmai
l.com