[stylist] a very short story

Tue Oct 1 16:50:42 UTC 2013

Vejas,

Personal details aren't what I mean, and obviously you probably wouldn't
get such details from a video like this. I mean that I think you can
write with more grit and provide a more emotional description while
still using the show vs. tell style. I'm not suggesting you use sappy
descriptions, but find a chord connecting the facts of the video with
the emotions Isabel feels. Try studying an author you enjoy who has done
this. What about that writing makes you feel an emotional response? How
can you emulate this?

As writers, we all will feel something in our writing that may not
translate to others. I once wrote a short story and thought it full of
raw emotion, but when I workshopped  it with peers, no one else got it.
So I had to figure out what it was that I felt and try again to
recapture it on the page. Sometimes we get it, sometimes we don't.

I think you gave yourself a lot of questions to answer about the
friendship between Isabel and Maria.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Vejas
Sent: Monday, September 30, 2013 11:51 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] a very short story

Hi.
Thank you so much for commenting on my story.
I had a question about something that you said.  What are some 
ways that I can describe the man drowning? Like, should I mention 
his name, his age, what color hair he had? How could I make it 
more emotional? (My eyes were watering when I wrote this, but I 
suppose it's just because I'm the writer.)
You actually gave me something really good to think about, with 
Isabel and Maria.  You're right about Maria having a twisted 
sense of humor; Often people think the saddest things are funny, 
and we can't explain why.  I suppose it's kind of a test in 
friendship, like, are they really your friend? You're right 
though, why was Isabella friends with Maria to begin with? I'll 
have to think of a way to describe it.
Thanks again.
Vejas

 ----- Original Message -----
From: Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Mon, 30 Sep 2013 22:19:27 -0500
Subject: Re: [stylist] a very short story

Vejas,

Your start is strong.  Try to keep this kind of pacing 
throughout.

This isn't so much a wrong thing as a personal thing for me, but 
I don't
like the word, "got," and I would prefer something different, but 
in
creative writing, many rules and traditions are loose, so it's 
what
works for you, smile.

You need a comma before and after Maria in this sentence: She saw 
that
her friend Maria had posted...

The following sentence is way too long and clunky: Isabella prepared for
a good laugh and thought about the last video that Maria had sent her,
which was a group of men and women, dressed and otherwise, showing off
by purposely dancing in a whole kitchenful of banana peels to energetic
music.

And you have, "kitchenful," which should be, "kitchen-full."

In the description of the video of the drowning man, you could 
push it
further with details, though keep it germane to the piece.  The 
reader
may feel more for this situation if we had even more details.  It 
doesn't
have to be long and wordy, but something that hits home 
emotionally more
than this.

Another run-on sentence that's too clunky: Isabella wondered why 
someone
who had just lost their
house and all but a few articles of clothing, and who had looked so
depressed before, why someone, in the midst of screaming, yelling and
carrying on, would smile.  -----Original Message-----

And pay attention to your comma use.  Make sure you're placing 
commas in
appropriate places and vice versus.

Can we get any info as to why Maria would think this funny? Even 
a
single sentence could point to or imply something that would be 
helpful
to know Maria's motivation.  It would seem this is out of 
character for
her, especially since Isabel is still her friend at the 
beginning.  So
why would Maria suddenly have such a twisted sense of humor?

Also watch your paragraph breaks.  If it's just the formatting of 
the
email, I apologize, but if not, there's a lot of places needing 
para
breaks.

Over-all, this is one of your better-written pieces you've posted 
on
Stylist.  I can see you're implementing suggestions made here.  I 
think
you can go further and "show" more, but not bad.  I didn't feel a 
real
emotional pull in this piece, but that will come with practice 
for you.
Good job.

Bridgit
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of 
Vejas
Sent: Monday, September 30, 2013 8:12 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] a very short story

Hi.
First of all, I just wanted to say thank you for all of my comments
about my lost story.  I went back into the archives and found the
attachment. I have a very short story which I wanted to share.  It's
more intense than my usual writing.  I really tried to do the "show
don't tell", but I wonder if I did too much of it? Any comments are
welcome.  This story is short enough that I can post it at the bottom of
the e-mail. Vejas The Flood

Isabella got home from school and raced to her computer.  She was
addicted to Twitter, and being only 12, her parents would not give her a
phone.  She saw that her friend Maria had posted a funny video (or so
she claimed.) Having had a bad day, Isabella eagerly opened up Maria's
post.  Maria had written: "LOL I laughed so hard that I almost died I
mean like come on seriously doesn't that guy look so stupid and
ridiculous?" Isabella prepared for a good laugh and thought about the
last video that Maria had sent her, which was a group of men and women,
dressed and otherwise, showing off by purposely dancing in a whole
kitchenful of banana peels to energetic music.  Every time they had been
ready to slip, she had laughed harder.  But she was a link away from
something completely different. Click...  and then she watched the video
load and play.  She was shocked.  The video clip took place in Alabama
in the center of an intense flood.  Houses were falling.  One man came
out of his house looking helpless, a green shirt and a pair of blue
jeans in his hand plus a couple clothes on him.  He swam slowly, not
knowing exactly which direction to go, it seemed.  His spare shirt and
jeans were soaking wet, but it didn't seem to matter to hm; all he
wanted was to keep his clothes.  After a while it seemed like the man
was just going to give up, and he began to sink more than swim, though
he was still lightly treading water. A couple of seconds later he was
still sinking, and his shirt was pulled out of his hands by the strong
water.  Then, more sinking. There was a small amount of time where it
looked like the man was going to live again.  Isabella saw him treading
water violently, splashing around to get up.  Good for him, she thought.
The man was finally able to get his mouth out of the water, and he
smiled.  Isabella wondered why someone who had just lost their house and
all but a few articles of clothing, and who had looked so depressed
before, why someone, in the midst of screaming, yelling and carrying on,
would smile.  And then she figured it out.  She looked closer into the
man's smile; he looked calm and peaceful.  He was going to give up.  She
had known he would from the very beginning when he had not known which
direction to go but hadn't wanted to admit it to herself.  And sure
enough, he began to sink again, slowly, as the flood continued to get
worse. This time he made absolutely no effort to keep swimming.  And
then he was gone and the video stopped abruptly.  Isabella began to cry.
She vowed she would never again be friends with such a girl who thought
that that man's pain was her pleasure.  That poor man!

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