[stylist] suggestions on this short story

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Vejas,

I've pasted your story below with my comments throughout the manuscript.

In-Laws
Gisela and Mylo were a steady couple.  They were both in their twenties,
and it seemed like everything was going well for them.
The couple had first met while at a German-English institute.  Gisela
was from Austria and had near-perfect English, although she really
wanted to improve it.  Mylo, who had come to America from London, had
always been interested in German culture, but had never until then
decided to pursue it.  They smiled at each other, and moved on, Mylo to
the German class and Gisela to the English class.
Four months into class, Gisela's teacher, Mrs.  Hammerstein, explained
that all of the English-learning students were going to write to the
class next-door.  ***A bit of an obvious statement. Perhaps the teacher
can briefly explain in dialogue or just leave it at they will write
letters, but we already know they will be exchanged between students, so
this sentence becomes redundant. It was almost like a pen-pal system
except that the letters would be delivered right away.
One of the students, Agathe, an immigrant from Bavaria, wanted to know
why they had to write, why they couldn't just talk to each other.
***Why bring in a specific new character that will not play any part in
rest of story? Instead of this section, perhaps teacher can briefly
explain in dialogue, cutting out unnecessary characters as well as being
redundant again. The teacher explained that this was not the best idea
because the second purpose of the assignment was for both classes to
practice the other person's native language.  So Gisela's class would
write the letters in English, while Mylo's class would respond to them
in German.  ***new paragraph Gisela picked a name out of the hat and got
Mylo.  She was much better at German, so she wrote an English letter
which, although grammatically correct, was just basic.  She just said
her name, how old she was, that she liked to cook, she enjoyed birds and
she had a younger sister, Adelheid, still in Austria.  She was
pleasantly surprised that Mylo wrote back in almost perfect basic
German.
***You use the phrase, “Almost perfect basic German.” This seems like a
clunky description, I think almost-perfect German suffices, and FYI,
almost and perfect should be hyphenated

Mrs.  Hammerstein announced a week later that the "pen-pals" were going
to meet and spend the day with each other.  They could do whatever they
wanted, as long as they spoke German half of the time and English for
the other half.  ***new para Somehow, Gisela and Mylo got on smoothly.
Mylo, intent on improving his German, was pleased to practice, while
Gisela was pleased to speak her native language.  The English was a bit
more boring.
The couple began seeing each other regularly.  ***This last sentence is
clunky and a run-on Within the next month, they decided to quit the
English-German classes because they felt like it was better for them to
learn from each other rather than spending so much time writing and
re-writing sentences and identifying pictures.
***Maybe instead of vague reported tellings of the beginning of this
relationship, you can create actual scenes of Milo and Gisela
interacting, display the growing relationship, let us see them falling
in love

That December, Gisela took Mylo to Austria.  They skied down the Alps
and Mylo was happy to meet Gisela's parents, Leopold and Elisabeth, and
her younger sister, Adelheid.  ***Would be less clunky to say, “They
were impressed with Milo’s German. They were very impressed by how good
Mylo's German was.
"You have easy parents," Mylo commented after their first meeting.
"Yes, I suppose I do," replied Gisela.

Gisela began to make more of an effort to speak English without an
accent.  She and Mylo were now considering marriage, and both wanted 6
children total.  In America, English was important.
***Up to this point, there’s been no mention of moving to America, just
curious why they hope to move to America

The couple were engaged in Austria, on a second visit to Gisela's
family.  They had taken an easier slope and were skiing side by side
when suddenly Mylo fell.
"I think I dropped something," he said.  "And I think it's yours."
It was a pure diamond engagement ring.  It was beautiful and matched
Gisela perfectly.
The only missing step of the marriage plans was that Mylo had not yet
introduced Gisela to his parents in England.  Gisela had been begging
him to do this ever since they met and Mylo had always found ways to
change the subject.  However, now that they were getting married,
introductions were essential.
Mylo's parents were named Charles and Augusta and they lived in a small
house next-door to a large Victorian ***Less clunky to say, “Milo’s
parents, Charles and Augusta, lived in a small house. due to be taken
down shortly afterwards.  ***Shortly afterwards what? What’s the point
of this information? Details and descriptions need to keep plot moving
and/or work as character development, this piece of info about the house
doesn’t serve either purpose. ***new para They had once lived in
America, too, but eventually moved back to England when all of their
children grew up.
Gisela began to hit it off with them right away.  ***The following
sentence needs to be cut into several sentences, way to clunky and a
run-on.With Charles she shared a love to write (Gisela was more
successful as a writer than her potential father-in-law, so since she
was worried he would become jealous, she played the role of a beginner.)
Augusta liked to sew and cook, and she was a teacher, which Gisela
wanted to be as well.  They told Gisela that her English was excellent.
***You first say Gisela hits it off with the parents only to follow it
up with the statement that she fears making Charles jealous. This
doesn’t make much sense, and this info should be provided much sooner in
story. This is the first we learn about Gisela being a writer, so this
info feels a bit dropped in.
Gisela spent hours there that first day with her possible mother-in-law,
going through photographs of Mylo's siblings.  Mylo was the oldest; his
siblings were named Jim, Maximilian, Lilley, Flora, Monica and Joy.  Jim
and Maximilian were living abroad for a short while, Jim in Malta and
Max in Macedonia.  They'd be back; they just wanted to experience the
culture.  Lilley, who wanted to become a third-grade teacher, was
marrying a man who was also learning German and was currently in Berlin.
Flora and Monica were flight attendants, and Joy, the youngest, fresh
out of college, was working at a little shop which sold items for
meditation and was considering becoming a nun.
***Why so many details about characters not a part of story? We don’t
need details about Milo’s sibling’s lives since they are not active
characters in this story.

"But I bet Mylo already told you a lot of this," Augusta was saying as
she flipped through the album.
Gisela realized with a pang that he hadn't.  In fact, she didn't know
anything about Mylo's siblings at all until now.  She had told him so
much about her own family, and he would say casual things about his, but
she never really felt that she knew them until now.
***This is really the first time Gisela realizes Milo has not been
forthcoming about his family? If I were madly in love with a guy who
hadn’t divulged anything about his family, I would be very curious and
wonder about it long before this point.

She heard a door slam and Mylo walk ***why the tense change? in,
red-faced.
"What happened, darling?" Augusta asked.  "Not another argument with
your father, was it?"
"He wouldn't give me his stupid script for me to read," said Mylo.
"Oh, it should be ready soon," his mother said.  "You just need to be
patient."
Gisela and Mylo left the house shortly afterward to go back to their
hotel.
"Don't you just hate my parents?" asked Mylo.  "They're the worst.
They'll never give me anything I want.  She never leaves you alone."
***Milo sounds like a child here. Not that adults can’t sound like
petulant children, but it just seems odd, in my opinion. Why this sudden
switch to sounding childish? And more dialogue between characters can
help characterize too. So if we saw Milo speak this way earlier, it
might not be so weird here.



"But they were so nice," said Gisela.  "Both of them."
"How can you like them?" Mylo asked, sounding furious.  "Sitting and
staring at photo albums is the equivalent of re-taking a year in
European history.  And if I have to hear about the Austro-Hungarian
empire one more time, I'll..."
"Excuse me, but please do not insult my country," Gisela said firmly.
"You're living in America now.  Your old country shouldn't matter to
you," replied Mylo.
After a moment of silence, Mylo asked, "Gisela, do you know what I would
do if my dad gave me his writing?"
"What would you do?" Gisela asked hopefully.
"Oh, I'd send it to a publisher," replied Mylo.  "And write on it just
how bad it is.  I've done it before.  They reject it right away without
reading it because of what I write and because they have such limited
time." He laughed.
"That's awful," replied Gisela.
For the remaining part of the drive, the couple remained quiet.  Just as
they were parking into their hotel, Gisela asked, "So Mylo, I was
thinking we could move to Austria.  I think it would be a good idea
because then we can speak German to our children.  You love it, and I
love it, and our English is wonderful but we should give them the best
of both worlds."
Mylo became angry again.  "I hate German," he told her.
Gisela was confused.  "But you're getting so good at it, Mylo!"
"The only reason I wanted to learn German was because my sister Lilley
is marrying a Germam man and I wanted to get closer to her," replied
Mylo.  "But I just found out that she's not going to learn it after all.
She and her husband will use English with their children, they'll
strongly encourage them to learn German in school but that's it.  I'll
be right back, Gisela."
***Milo’s dialogue above sounds stinted and not realistic at all. People
don’t generally speak this way in real life.

He left Gisela, confused and stunned, sitting in her seat.
Mylo came back a minute later and seemed calmer.  "Gisela, I got us
separate hotel rooms.  I just told them that we need another room.  I'll
pay for it.  I'll buy you a ticket to Austria so you can go back for
good."
"Oh Mylo, are we done?"
***Do people really say “oh” like this? Again, doesn’t sound realistic,
more old-fashioned. If you want Gisela to speak old-fashioned, that’s
fine, but you need to establish it sooner.

"Yes we are.  I'm sorry, Gisela, but I have problems I need to work out.
I just found out today that I have to stay in London, as my parents are
going to pay for me to take anger management classes.  And I really
thought that I would get the hang of German.  I really wanted to love
it.  You don't have to believe me."
***This information is completely jarring. We have no clue about any of
it, and it feels inorganic here. Milo is displaying split-personality
like things here. Up to this point, we’ve learned nothing about his past
or realy his personality, so to here him make this melodramatic
statement, it just doesn’t feel natural to the story.

Gisela had to smile in spite of her sadness.  She could go back to
Austria for good, and her mother knew a friend who was a teacher who
could help her get a position.  She also felt that Mylo was being
amazingly nice to her.
***Really? Milo is being amazingly nice? He sounds like a big A-hole
jerk who is treating his fiancé like crap.

"Thank you," she said.
This was the last time Gisela and Mylo saw each other.

***Very anti-climatic ending


I agree with Chris that this story isn’t so much about romantic love or
the relationship between Milo and Gisela, but that it’s about a guy and
his issues, and Gisela is just a person who joins his life for a time.

This story has merit, but we really need more up front. You tell us a
lot of things about this couple but we never experience them together.
When you actually start displaying some personality in Milo and Gisela,
it’s half-way through the story. We really need to see personalities
come out sooner, especially in interactions between your two main
characters. Think of it this way, when you meet new people, do you feel
you know them the best after others tell you things about their life, or
after you spend time with them, talking to them, observing them in
various situations? You need to consider this in creative writing. This
is what we mean between tell vs. show.

There’s no real reason why Milo feels this way about his parents. Milo
can be this way, that’s okay, but we need stuff earlier in story
demonstrating that Milo is petty and childish and takes things way out
of proportion. It’s not real believable at this point. Milo’s parents
seem lovely and generous, so why is Milo this way? Again, he can be this
way, but then we need to understand why he’s this way.

Your dialogue isn’t always realistic. It’s not horrible, but work to
make dialogue realistic and consistent. Think about how you and your
friends talk and model dialogue after that.

I still wonder why you chose to write about a boyfriend and girlfriend
in their twenties. This doesn’t seem to reflect anything in your life,
in terms of being in your 20’s and in love, making it difficult to write
about something you haven’t experienced. Why not a relationship between
teens? And why romantic love at all? In this story, I actually don’t see
indications of romantic love; Milo and Gisela seem more like really good
friends than a romantic couple. Milo and Gisela could be teens who fall
in love just as much as they are twenty-somethings. You could keep
certain elements closer to home, as it were, so you are writing about
experiences you are more familiar with, this will help bring credibility
to your writing.

FYI, watch your tense, I noticed a couple of places where you switched
tenses. Keep an eye out for this in the editing process.

And BTW, this isn’t from a female perspective at all. It’s a
third-person omniscient point of view with a lot of authorial
intervention, meaning you, as author, provide a lot of information in
the narration.

Really be careful about becoming redundant especially in the narration,
which are the sections where you tell us info that is not done in
dialogue or scenes. Some things can be obvious, and nothing needs to be
stated more than once, and this includes re-telling in dialogue,
descriptions, narration, etc.

Make sure details and descriptions serve a purpose. We only need to see
and hear what drives plot forward or characterization. Unnecessary
details and descriptions just bog a story down, serving no real purpose.
This will also help make your writing more succinct.

Over-all, one of your better stories. You show that you're trying to
focus on characters as opposed to plot only, and in ways, I see you
trying to capture a credible, believable voice. For the assignment, this
story may suffice, but as a writer, you may want to consider everyone’s
comments and see how this story can grow and find more depth.



Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Vejas
Sent: Saturday, February 01, 2014 2:35 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] suggestions on this short story


Hi all,
I am writing a story for class about love.  I would really like 
suggesttions on it.
I have never been in a relationship, so don't know how good my 
descriptions are.  Also I really don't like my ending-so I'd 
really like some suggesttions.
Also note that although this is a third-person narrative, this is 
largely written using the girl's thoughts.
I have to turn it in in 10 days, so there's time.
Thanks.
Vejas