[stylist] Answers to Vejas Questions (Off Topic)
Atty Rose
attyrose at cox.net
Thu Feb 6 18:51:22 UTC 2014
Hi there,
Bill did a wonderful job of answering this question. I have a friend who
gives me a ride to chorus once a week. Since I do energy work I offer her a
free session once a month. I charge fourty dollars for my sessions. It does
not take 10 dollars in gas to get to chorus, but it works for us.
I do the same thing with another friend who gives me rides once a week to a
club I belong to. Exchange is just as valuable as money.
A bus both ways is going to cost about three bucks roud trip to just about
anywhere, which is a gallon of gas. That is not a lot to ask or give. Lots
of my friends say forget it, but I have been known to stuff the money,
usualy a 5, in their pocket, purse or glove box, unless I know they
absolutely do not want or need it. But I always offer.
Atty
----- Original Message -----
From: "justin williams" <justin.williams2 at gmail.com>
To: <meekerorgas at ameritech.net>; "'Writer's Division Mailing List'"
<stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, February 06, 2014 12:12 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] Answers to Vejas Questions (Off Topic)
> I've found the offering people driving you to church usually results in
> all
> but offending them; as if god is watching. I've never had a lot of money
> anyway, so may times if I had to help with gas I wouldn't have gone to
> church, or to the group gathering. However, I have found that picking up
> the dinner tab every how and again, or some such strategically placed
> money
> drop is effective. I've usually not had toe monty to be really helpful.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Cheryl
> Orgas
> & William Meeker
> Sent: Thursday, February 06, 2014 1:05 PM
> To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Answers to Vejas Questions (Off Topic)
>
> Dear Vejas,
>
>
> You ask if we think that people expecting money for gasoline when they
> give
> you a ride is reasonable. You also say that you think that a true friend
> or
> charitable person shouldn't want money. They should just do it out of the
> goodness of their hearts. Your questions are important because they speak
> to the essentials of human relationships. So I want to answer your
> questions by telling you a little of what I've learned about the dynamics
> of
> relationships over the years.
>
> First, relationships are based upon a series of interactions, or
> transactions between two or more people. And in order to interact, people
> must want, or be motivated to do so.
>
>
> Second, relationships come in different depths and complexity of
> interactions. A relationship between you and a taxi driver is am
> uncomplicated money motivated one. A relationship between you and a
> member
> of your church who is giving you a lift is more complex in that it may be
> motivated by the desire to do a good act for a fellow church member, a
> desire to get to know you better during the ride, a hope that you'll
> supplement her income by offering a little cash, or maybe something else.
>
> On your side, you determine the degree and depth that you want to interact
> with another person. You may want from a taxi driver nothing more than
> expeditious transportation to your destination, courteous treatment, and a
> reasonable fare. You may want something more than transportation from a
> member of your church, such as meaningful conversation, a friendship, or
> something else.
>
> Third, any relationship deeper and longer lasting than a simple financial
> transaction requires varying degrees of equality and satisfaction between
> those involved in it. A friendship requires personal disclosures,
> interest
> in the friend, the willingness to listen attentively, and not least
> important, a feeling that you are satisfied with what you receive from the
> friend in relation to what you give. Such giving includes both intangible
> and tangible things. The things you give in a relationship will help
> define
> how you are perceived by the other person(s) and in turn, the
> relationship's
> depth and longevity. In my experience, relationships in which one person
> continues giving more than he receives does not last.
>
>
> My deciding whether or not to offer gas money is more important than
> whether
> a driver's Expecting gas money in exchange for a ride is reasonable. It
> depends on what I want the relationship to be and how I want to be
> perceived. When I was younger, whether or not I offered gas money
> sometimes
> depended on my ability to pay. I also found it helpful to clarify an
> unfamiliar driver's desires by offering money.
>
>
> An example. I ride to the symphony with a friend and his wife. I like
> this
> man and want to nurture our friendship. So I pay for parking. He
> accepts.
> He doesn't need the money. He earns more in retirement than I do. He
> also
> understands that the tangible $10 is also an intangible demonstration that
> I
> consider myself an equal to him and that I want to contribute to the
> friendship.
>
> Another example. A friend and I often go shopping. He will not accept
> gas
> money. He likes good wine. So occasionally I send him wine and liquor
> reviews and every so often buy him a bottle of wine. It's a tangible way
> that I contribute equally to the friendship.
>
>
> People offering a ride as a charitable act may happen from time to time.
> But repeated acts of charity result in the recipient being perceived as
> an
> object of charity. And in my experience, the power differential that
> results almost always prevents one from being perceived as an equal and
> from
> any deeper relationship developing. So what you want a relationship to
> become and how you want to be perceived will determine when, and how
> forcefully you will offer money for rides.
>
>
> I had to learn this stuff through failures over a period of years. I got
> better with thought and practice. You will too.
>
>
> Sometimes knowing something about a person helps one to feel more
> comfortable with what he says. I am 65 years old and retired from the
> Federal Department of Labor. I live in a small suburb bordering
> Milwaukee.
> My wife works and my son is in Utah embarking on a wildland firefighting
> career. And my wife and I are both blind. I hope what I've said gives
> you
> some useful background when you have to decide about when to offer money
> for
> rides.
>
>
> Bill Meeker
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Vejas
> Sent: Wednesday, February 05, 2014 9:52 AM
> To: Writer's Division Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [stylist]
> Here'smyattemptatbeingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
>
> That's so sad about your sister.
> I'm curious about everyone's opinions on the following. My parents told
> me
> that when I grow older and live away from them, I can ride with someone
> and
> help them with their gas.
>
> So I have 2 questions. First, if someone insists that you shouldn't pay
> them, should you pay them anyway, or just leave it?
> Second, do you think that people expecting money is considered reasonable?
> This is just my opinion, but I think that a true friend or charitable
> person
> shouldn't want money. They should just do it out of the goodness of their
> hearts. (But I volunteer at my church, so what do I know.) I know there's
> not one answer, but I'd like to know your differing opinions on these two
> things.
> Vejas
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com
> To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org Date sent: Wed,
> 5
> Feb 2014 04:51:52 -0600
> Subject: Re: [stylist]
> Here'smyattemptatbeingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
>
> Donna,
>
> Generally I wouldn't shy away from a confrontation like that, but without
> going into the long, sordid history, it's better to leave such things
> alone
> in my family. I learned my lesson a while ago that saying something gets
> me
> nowhere. In my family, we can't rationally, logically discuss things,
> instead we have to go at one another like fighting dogs, going for the
> jugular each time. Doesn't matter the topic, situation, person. It's sad
> but the reality. I mean, a few years ago, my sister raked me across the
> coals online because I differed with her about the weather. This was
> literally what set her off. She said a storm was coming, and I said I'm
> currently watching the news and it says no storm, and I was turned into
> the
> Wicked Witch of the West, and I'm downplaying what happened. And as for
> the
> gas guzzler, as it were, this particular person would never question why I
> do something, but they do take advantage when they can. And I am
> referring
> to someone in my immediate family. I could go on and on but it's not
> really
> my way. I already am feeling a bit vulnerable for sharing this much, but
> clearing the air doesn't do much in my family. Usually, especially when
> it
> comes to me, I'm crazy, the bad guy and all manner of horrible things my
> family has to put up with. So seething about gas money is actually the
> least stressful option in this circumstance, but rest assured that I don't
> use this person much for rides, and when I do, I try to have cash on hand.
>
> Bridgit
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Applebutter
> Hill
> Sent: Tuesday, February 04, 2014 3:16 PM
> To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's
> myattemptatbeingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
>
>
> Bridgit,
> Ugh! Sounds like you have a real predator in your family. I'd give them
> cash; never give your debit card to anyone! It's a recipe for disaster in
> any case and should be avoided as a matter of habit.
>
> If you use the same driver again and they question why you didn't give
> them
> the debit card, tell them you don't do that anymore or that you stopped
> using debit cards in light of the Target credit breach.
> I'd have
> to say something about the fact that when you and Ross tallied up your
> accounts for the month you noticed that on the days they gave you rides,
> more money was deducted from your account than you had agreed to pay them.
> That's me though; I understand that family dynamics are very difficult and
> differ greatly one family to another. Donna
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit
> Pollpeter
> Sent: Tuesday, February 04, 2014 3:18 AM
> To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my
> attemptatbeingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
>
> Really? I always here people say drivers don't want to take their money,
> but
> the few people Ross and I use for rides always want some kind of
> compensation. I have no problem with this and always at least offer gas
> money, but we've had some experiences.
>
> A family member who use to frequently give me rides was taking more gas
> money than was being offered. I would hand over my debit card, tell them
> how much to take, and they would even give me the receipt. When Ross
> would
> go through transactions, he would notice large amounts of money used at
> the
> gas station we usually stopped at. At first, we thought it was an
> accident,
> but after the second time, we figured they were taking advantage of the
> situation. I mean, we are talking about at the most, going the distance
> of
> 1-1/2 miles, and I would offer like $10 or
> 12 in
> gas, but they were taking $20 and a couple of times more. I started
> carrying cash to use when this person gave me rides, so they couldn't take
> more than I offered. We should have said something, but with my family,
> it's very awkward to broach these subjects, especially when the involve
> money.
>
> Another crazy story, same family member. When Declan was in the NICU,
> Ross
> and I were spending as much time at hospital as we could.
> Often
> Ross couldn't get up there until after work, so we stayed late.
> We used
> cabs a lot since it was so late, but to cut down on cost, we did ask some
> people every now and then for a ride. One night, I decided to stay over
> night with Declan, so said family member picked Ross up.
> Ross
> offered gas, but they said not to worry about it. Literally a week later,
> I
> had a voicemail from family member asking if they could get that gas money
> now. An entire week after the ride was given and gas offered at that
> point.
> In my opinion, an offer for something like gas must be accepted when it's
> offered. I'm not here to fill your tank when you need it. If you choose
> to
> not take me up on the offer when it's made, then you forfeit that gas
> money.
> But maybe I'm the crazy one.
>
> I've yet to have non-family members do anything so crazy. In fact, the
> whole six weeks Declan was in the NICU, the only person we had reliable
> transportation from was a friend. He even offered to get us in the middle
> of the night if necessary, and he was, and still is, the only person to
> refuse our money.
>
> So needless to say, if we had problems finding rides to get up to hospital
> to visit our newborn, you can imagine what it's like finding rides for
> shopping or doctor visits or activities.
>
> And I know I'm only 32, but I've lerned to never say never. I've changed
> a
> lot even since my mid and late 20's. Most for the good, but I don't think
> 22 year-old Bridgit would totally recognize 32-year-old Bridgit.
> I've learned a lot, grown a lot and made a lot of discoveries along the
> way.
> One of the big ones being that I'm worth a lot more as a person than I use
> to think, and that I can have a voice and share opinions and express my
> thoughts, and oh yeah, your husband doesn't lose interest in you just
> because you don't wear make-up and sexy clothes every day, grin. And you
> can also do certain bodily functions that all humans do and still have
> you're your partner be maddly in love with you, LOL!
>
> Bridgit
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Applebutter
> Hill
> Sent: Monday, February 03, 2014 2:20 PM
> To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt
> atbeingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
>
>
> After our experience with neighbors and friends around here being so
> willing
> to drive us places, I think I could (or already have
> really)
> built up such a network that I wouldn't have to rely on one person for
> everything. Often, I can get a ride with someone going to town anyway and
> if I'm not coming back at the same time they are, there's someone else who
> can pick me up on their way home from work. For jobs though, I'd have to
> insist that they take some payment. They've been impossible about that;
> they don't even want gas money
> -- we managed to sneak a couple of $20s into one of those little
> compartments in the center console of the gal who did so much for us.
>
> I have a hard time with thinking about moving from here. I'm a real
> home-body, and with the pond and the gingerbread-style pond shelter that
> Rich built, well, I don't think it would be easy. On the other hand,
> everyone's getting Lyme disease and it's virtually impossible to really
> prevent it. I never say never though, because I know that there are
> things
> I swore I'd never do at certain points of my life, and then I ended up
> changing my mind -- like cancer treatments for instance.
> Donna
> -----Original
> Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit
> Pollpeter
> Sent: Sunday, February 02, 2014 1:13 AM
> To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at
> beingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
>
> Seriously though, you don't need a live-in chauffeur or full-time driver,
> but you could advertise for a driver and establish what days and times you
> may call upon a person to drive and settle upon a payment that's
> reasonable
> to both parties. You could even have a couple of drivers at your
> disposal.
> Say Mike can drive every Tuesday if necessary and Carol can drive every
> other Saturday between 10 am and 2 pm.
> Then
> you can make arrangements around those days and times. I mean, it's a
> possible option.
>
> Bridgit
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Applebutter
> Hill
> Sent: Saturday, February 01, 2014 5:19 PM
> To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being
> tactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
>
>
> Lynda,
> Yes, the full-time driver could live with the rest of the castle
> staff.*grin*
> Donna
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Lynda
> Lambert
> Sent: Saturday, February 01, 2014 6:08 PM
> To: Writer's Division Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being tactile
> tothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
>
> This would be my situation, too, living on the opposite side of PA. The
> only cab here would be about an hours drive from where we live.
> So, it
> isn't possible at all. I guess one solution would be to have a full time
> driver, and keep him in a carriage house on the property - at my beck and
> call. haha just kidding about that. Lynda
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Applebutter Hill" <applebutterhill at gmail.com
> To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org
> Sent: Saturday, February 01, 2014 3:18 PM
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being tactile to
> thefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
>
>
> Bridgit,
> While a cab is definitely an option in many cases, it is not for us. A
>
> cab from here in the sticks to Wilkes-Barre would be well over
> $100
> each way, and there is only one cab in Tunkhannock, our closest real
> town,
> which is a half hour away -- it doesn't operate after 6p.m..
>
> I tried responding to several folks who wrote in about my response a week
> ago, but the messages sat in my Out Box and never got sent.
> Hoping I have better luck with this. *grin* Donna
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit
>
> Pollpeter
> Sent: Saturday, January 25, 2014 1:43 PM
> To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being tactile to
> thefolkswhowant everything for nothing
>
> If the university is willing to pay, a cab is an option, and this way no
> person has to take a day or afternoon to drive. Just throwing out
> options.
> A
> bus may be another option, though a bus certainly isn't the most
> convenient
> option.
>
> Bridgit
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Lynda
> Lambert
> Sent: Saturday, January 25, 2014 7:38 AM
> To: Writer's Division Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being tactile to the
> folkswhowant everything for nothing
>
>
> Yes, this is very important. People just do not realize at all that it
>
> takes something more than just getting in our car and leaving home so
> that
> we can be somewhere. Not only is it our time, it is someone else's time.
> When I go to the pottery studio to work, it is an hour long dive each
> way.
> Then, I am there 3-4 hours working. That is a six hour day for TWO
> people,
> plus all the expenses involved that April listed. Not only is it very
> inconvenient for the person who is taking
>
> us places, it is expensive, too. This is our reality and one that a
> sighted person would never even think about for a
>
> second.
> Lynda
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "April Brown" <aprilbrownshade at gmail.com
> To: <stylist at nfbnet.org
> Sent: Saturday, January 25, 2014 6:53 AM
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being tactile to the folks
>
> whowant everything for nothing
>
>
> Hi Donna,
>
> I think it's great. I'd emphasize one line though.
>
> "I have to get someone else to drive." Emphasize that you have to pay
> them out of pocket for time, gas, and wear and tear on the car.
>
> Congrats!
>
> April Brown
>
> Writing dramatic adventure novels uncovering the myths we hide behind.
>
>
>
>
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