[stylist] Answers to Vejas Questions (Off Topic)
Bridgit Pollpeter
bpollpeter at hotmail.com
Fri Feb 7 17:49:48 UTC 2014
I really like how you articulate this. A potential Braille Monitor
article? I think this is a really good thing for people to consider. And
something I often think but rarely articulate out loud or so concisely.
Bridgit
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Cheryl
Orgas & William Meeker
Sent: Thursday, February 06, 2014 12:05 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] Answers to Vejas Questions (Off Topic)
Dear Vejas,
You ask if we think that people expecting money for gasoline when they
give you a ride is reasonable. You also say that you think that a true
friend or charitable person shouldn't want money. They should just do
it out of the goodness of their hearts. Your questions are important
because they speak to the essentials of human relationships. So I want
to answer your questions by telling you a little of what I've learned
about the dynamics of relationships over the years.
First, relationships are based upon a series of interactions, or
transactions between two or more people. And in order to interact,
people must want, or be motivated to do so.
Second, relationships come in different depths and complexity of
interactions. A relationship between you and a taxi driver is am
uncomplicated money motivated one. A relationship between you and a
member of your church who is giving you a lift is more complex in that
it may be motivated by the desire to do a good act for a fellow church
member, a desire to get to know you better during the ride, a hope that
you'll supplement her income by offering a little cash, or maybe
something else.
On your side, you determine the degree and depth that you want to
interact with another person. You may want from a taxi driver nothing
more than expeditious transportation to your destination, courteous
treatment, and a reasonable fare. You may want something more than
transportation from a member of your church, such as meaningful
conversation, a friendship, or something else.
Third, any relationship deeper and longer lasting than a simple
financial transaction requires varying degrees of equality and
satisfaction between those involved in it. A friendship requires
personal disclosures, interest in the friend, the willingness to listen
attentively, and not least important, a feeling that you are satisfied
with what you receive from the friend in relation to what you give.
Such giving includes both intangible and tangible things. The things you
give in a relationship will help define how you are perceived by the
other person(s) and in turn, the relationship's depth and longevity. In
my experience, relationships in which one person continues giving more
than he receives does not last.
My deciding whether or not to offer gas money is more important than
whether a driver's Expecting gas money in exchange for a ride is
reasonable. It depends on what I want the relationship to be and how I
want to be perceived. When I was younger, whether or not I offered gas
money sometimes depended on my ability to pay. I also found it helpful
to clarify an unfamiliar driver's desires by offering money.
An example. I ride to the symphony with a friend and his wife. I like
this man and want to nurture our friendship. So I pay for parking. He
accepts. He doesn't need the money. He earns more in retirement than I
do. He also understands that the tangible $10 is also an intangible
demonstration that I consider myself an equal to him and that I want to
contribute to the friendship.
Another example. A friend and I often go shopping. He will not accept
gas money. He likes good wine. So occasionally I send him wine and
liquor reviews and every so often buy him a bottle of wine. It's a
tangible way that I contribute equally to the friendship.
People offering a ride as a charitable act may happen from time to time.
But repeated acts of charity result in the recipient being perceived as
an object of charity. And in my experience, the power differential that
results almost always prevents one from being perceived as an equal and
from any deeper relationship developing. So what you want a
relationship to become and how you want to be perceived will determine
when, and how forcefully you will offer money for rides.
I had to learn this stuff through failures over a period of years. I
got better with thought and practice. You will too.
Sometimes knowing something about a person helps one to feel more
comfortable with what he says. I am 65 years old and retired from the
Federal Department of Labor. I live in a small suburb bordering
Milwaukee. My wife works and my son is in Utah embarking on a wildland
firefighting career. And my wife and I are both blind. I hope what
I've said gives you some useful background when you have to decide about
when to offer money for rides.
Bill Meeker
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Vejas
Sent: Wednesday, February 05, 2014 9:52 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist]
Here'smyattemptatbeingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
That's so sad about your sister.
I'm curious about everyone's opinions on the following. My parents told
me that when I grow older and live away from them, I can ride with
someone and help them with their gas.
So I have 2 questions. First, if someone insists that you shouldn't pay
them, should you pay them anyway, or just leave it? Second, do you think
that people expecting money is considered reasonable? This is just my
opinion, but I think that a true friend or charitable person shouldn't
want money. They should just do it out of the goodness of their hearts.
(But I volunteer at my church, so what do I know.) I know there's not
one answer, but I'd like to know your differing opinions on these two
things. Vejas
----- Original Message -----
From: Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org Date sent:
Wed, 5 Feb 2014 04:51:52 -0600
Subject: Re: [stylist]
Here'smyattemptatbeingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
Donna,
Generally I wouldn't shy away from a confrontation like that, but
without going into the long, sordid history, it's better to leave such
things alone in my family. I learned my lesson a while ago that saying
something gets me nowhere. In my family, we can't rationally, logically
discuss things, instead we have to go at one another like fighting dogs,
going for the jugular each time. Doesn't matter the topic, situation,
person. It's sad but the reality. I mean, a few years ago, my sister
raked me across the coals online because I differed with her about the
weather. This was literally what set her off. She said a storm was
coming, and I said I'm currently watching the news and it says no storm,
and I was turned into the Wicked Witch of the West, and I'm downplaying
what happened. And as for the gas guzzler, as it were, this particular
person would never question why I do something, but they do take
advantage when they can. And I am referring to someone in my immediate
family. I could go on and on but it's not really my way. I already am
feeling a bit vulnerable for sharing this much, but clearing the air
doesn't do much in my family. Usually, especially when it comes to me,
I'm crazy, the bad guy and all manner of horrible things my family has
to put up with. So seething about gas money is actually the least
stressful option in this circumstance, but rest assured that I don't use
this person much for rides, and when I do, I try to have cash on hand.
Bridgit
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of
Applebutter Hill
Sent: Tuesday, February 04, 2014 3:16 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's
myattemptatbeingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
Bridgit,
Ugh! Sounds like you have a real predator in your family. I'd give them
cash; never give your debit card to anyone! It's a recipe for disaster
in any case and should be avoided as a matter of habit.
If you use the same driver again and they question why you didn't give
them the debit card, tell them you don't do that anymore or that you
stopped using debit cards in light of the Target credit breach.
I'd have
to say something about the fact that when you and Ross tallied up your
accounts for the month you noticed that on the days they gave you rides,
more money was deducted from your account than you had agreed to pay
them. That's me though; I understand that family dynamics are very
difficult and differ greatly one family to another. Donna
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit
Pollpeter
Sent: Tuesday, February 04, 2014 3:18 AM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my
attemptatbeingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
Really? I always here people say drivers don't want to take their money,
but the few people Ross and I use for rides always want some kind of
compensation. I have no problem with this and always at least offer gas
money, but we've had some experiences.
A family member who use to frequently give me rides was taking more gas
money than was being offered. I would hand over my debit card, tell
them how much to take, and they would even give me the receipt. When
Ross would go through transactions, he would notice large amounts of
money used at the gas station we usually stopped at. At first, we
thought it was an accident, but after the second time, we figured they
were taking advantage of the situation. I mean, we are talking about at
the most, going the distance of 1-1/2 miles, and I would offer like $10
or 12 in gas, but they were taking $20 and a couple of times more. I
started carrying cash to use when this person gave me rides, so they
couldn't take more than I offered. We should have said something, but
with my family, it's very awkward to broach these subjects, especially
when the involve money.
Another crazy story, same family member. When Declan was in the NICU,
Ross and I were spending as much time at hospital as we could.
Often
Ross couldn't get up there until after work, so we stayed late.
We used
cabs a lot since it was so late, but to cut down on cost, we did ask
some people every now and then for a ride. One night, I decided to stay
over night with Declan, so said family member picked Ross up.
Ross
offered gas, but they said not to worry about it. Literally a week
later, I had a voicemail from family member asking if they could get
that gas money now. An entire week after the ride was given and gas
offered at that point. In my opinion, an offer for something like gas
must be accepted when it's offered. I'm not here to fill your tank when
you need it. If you choose to not take me up on the offer when it's
made, then you forfeit that gas money. But maybe I'm the crazy one.
I've yet to have non-family members do anything so crazy. In fact, the
whole six weeks Declan was in the NICU, the only person we had reliable
transportation from was a friend. He even offered to get us in the
middle of the night if necessary, and he was, and still is, the only
person to refuse our money.
So needless to say, if we had problems finding rides to get up to
hospital to visit our newborn, you can imagine what it's like finding
rides for shopping or doctor visits or activities.
And I know I'm only 32, but I've lerned to never say never. I've
changed a lot even since my mid and late 20's. Most for the good, but I
don't think 22 year-old Bridgit would totally recognize 32-year-old
Bridgit. I've learned a lot, grown a lot and made a lot of discoveries
along the way. One of the big ones being that I'm worth a lot more as a
person than I use to think, and that I can have a voice and share
opinions and express my thoughts, and oh yeah, your husband doesn't lose
interest in you just because you don't wear make-up and sexy clothes
every day, grin. And you can also do certain bodily functions that all
humans do and still have you're your partner be maddly in love with you,
LOL!
Bridgit
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of
Applebutter Hill
Sent: Monday, February 03, 2014 2:20 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt
atbeingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
After our experience with neighbors and friends around here being so
willing to drive us places, I think I could (or already have
really)
built up such a network that I wouldn't have to rely on one person for
everything. Often, I can get a ride with someone going to town anyway
and if I'm not coming back at the same time they are, there's someone
else who can pick me up on their way home from work. For jobs though,
I'd have to insist that they take some payment. They've been impossible
about that; they don't even want gas money
-- we managed to sneak a couple of $20s into one of those little
compartments in the center console of the gal who did so much for us.
I have a hard time with thinking about moving from here. I'm a real
home-body, and with the pond and the gingerbread-style pond shelter that
Rich built, well, I don't think it would be easy. On the other hand,
everyone's getting Lyme disease and it's virtually impossible to really
prevent it. I never say never though, because I know that there are
things I swore I'd never do at certain points of my life, and then I
ended up changing my mind -- like cancer treatments for instance.
Donna
-----Original
Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit
Pollpeter
Sent: Sunday, February 02, 2014 1:13 AM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at
beingtactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
Seriously though, you don't need a live-in chauffeur or full-time
driver, but you could advertise for a driver and establish what days and
times you may call upon a person to drive and settle upon a payment
that's reasonable to both parties. You could even have a couple of
drivers at your disposal. Say Mike can drive every Tuesday if necessary
and Carol can drive every other Saturday between 10 am and 2 pm.
Then
you can make arrangements around those days and times. I mean, it's a
possible option.
Bridgit
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of
Applebutter Hill
Sent: Saturday, February 01, 2014 5:19 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being
tactiletothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
Lynda,
Yes, the full-time driver could live with the rest of the castle
staff.*grin*
Donna
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Lynda
Lambert
Sent: Saturday, February 01, 2014 6:08 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being tactile
tothefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
This would be my situation, too, living on the opposite side of PA. The
only cab here would be about an hours drive from where we live.
So, it
isn't possible at all. I guess one solution would be to have a full
time driver, and keep him in a carriage house on the property - at my
beck and call. haha just kidding about that. Lynda
----- Original Message -----
From: "Applebutter Hill" <applebutterhill at gmail.com
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org
Sent: Saturday, February 01, 2014 3:18 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being tactile to
thefolkswhowanteverything for nothing
Bridgit,
While a cab is definitely an option in many cases, it is not for us. A
cab from here in the sticks to Wilkes-Barre would be well over $100
each way, and there is only one cab in Tunkhannock, our closest real
town, which is a half hour away -- it doesn't operate after 6p.m..
I tried responding to several folks who wrote in about my response a
week ago, but the messages sat in my Out Box and never got sent. Hoping
I have better luck with this. *grin* Donna
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit
Pollpeter
Sent: Saturday, January 25, 2014 1:43 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being tactile to
thefolkswhowant everything for nothing
If the university is willing to pay, a cab is an option, and this way
no person has to take a day or afternoon to drive. Just throwing out
options. A bus may be another option, though a bus certainly isn't the
most convenient option.
Bridgit
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Lynda
Lambert
Sent: Saturday, January 25, 2014 7:38 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being tactile to the
folkswhowant everything for nothing
Yes, this is very important. People just do not realize at all
that it
takes something more than just getting in our car and leaving
home so
that we can be somewhere. Not only is it our time, it is
someone
else's time. When I go to the pottery studio to work, it is an
hour
long dive each way. Then, I am there 3-4 hours working. That
is a six
hour day for TWO people, plus all the expenses involved that
April
listed. Not only is it very inconvenient for the person who is
taking
us places, it is expensive, too. This is our reality and one
that a
sighted person would never even think about for a
second.
Lynda
----- Original Message -----
From: "April Brown" <aprilbrownshade at gmail.com
To: <stylist at nfbnet.org
Sent: Saturday, January 25, 2014 6:53 AM
Subject: Re: [stylist] Here's my attempt at being tactile to the
folks
whowant everything for nothing
Hi Donna,
I think it's great. I'd emphasize one line though.
"I have to get someone else to drive." Emphasize that you have
to
pay them out of pocket for time, gas, and wear and tear on the
car.
Congrats!
April Brown
Writing dramatic adventure novels uncovering the myths we hide behind.
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