[stylist] Try The Baklava (revised and cleaned up I hope)

[Miss Thea]

Thanks, Alyssa.
I appreciate your feedback.
I thought I might go from repetition to deleting a clue or two. Hehehehe.
That's okay, though.
I'll fix her up.
Thea

-----Original Message----- 
From: Alyssa Frierson
Sent: Sunday, March 16, 2014 7:34 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Try The Baklava (revised and cleaned up I hope)

Hi, Thea.
I think this piece reads better than the first. You do a really good
job of putting the reader right there with you. One tiny critique,
though. You wrote:
The announcer spoke energetically between songs about the gorgeous
day. People around me began talking just a little louder, laughing, as
if they, too had been affected by the first decent day in the year.
The happiness spread through me. The Eggs Bennie came, and I
concentrated on the homemade breakfast.

I know from the previous version that the "announcer" is a radio
announcer, but if I were reading this for the first time, I'd be
confused about where the announcer was speaking from. Maybe just add
that the announcer was a radio announcer to make that clear.
Otherwise, this is a good second draft. Thanks for sharing, and good job!

Alyssa


On 3/15/14, Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com> wrote:
> Thea,
>
> I haven't had a chance to read the first version, so my comments will
> only pertain to this piece.
>
> I like your use of sensory descriptions. The opening para is strong.
>
> Much better job of para seperation with this piece as opposed to the
> dating scam piece.
>
> Not a big deal, but not sure why you need to repeat the name in the
> following section when you already state it earlier. I made sure to tell
> my server that I would return to Terry's Restaurant and Bar.
>
> Much more concise writing too than the scam piece.
>
> My only critique, watch for places where you can change the passive
> voice.
>
> I did not notice repetition, grin.
>
> Bridgit
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Miss Thea
> Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2014 5:09 PM
> To: Writer's Division Mailing List
> Subject: [stylist] Try The Baklava (revised and cleaned up I hope)
>
>
> As this was the shorter of the two articles, I thought I'd go for a
> revision. This article falls just short of 600 words. Please let me know
> if I've begun to overcome my tendency to repetition. Thanks for any
> help. Thea
>
> Try The Baklava
>
>
>
> On the first above-zero day in March, the sun called me out of my
> isolation. After an appointment, I white-caned it down the quiet street,
> the afternoon stretching out before me. The cool, sunny air sent waves
> of savory come-ons. I walked into the first place in the plaza, Terry's
> Restaurant and Bar.
>
>
>
> I pushed my way through a glass door, and found a seat by the entrance.
>
> Soon after I sat down, a friendly server came by and asked if I'd like a
> cup of coffee. I asked for Decaf, but as the kitchen was too small to
> carry two coffee-makers, I chose orange juice on ice.
>
> I opened the musty, fragrant Braille book I'd brought and placed it on
> the table. The left edge touched the leftmost wall. Shafts of sun came
> through the metal Venetian blinds to warm my fingers. I started to read.
>
>
>
>
> While reading, I sat back in my chair and listened to the place. People
> spoke from two rows of tables-the one I was sitting at, and one to my
> right, with nice walking space between.
>
> "Here's your orange juice, hon," she said, startling me a little, as I
> didn't realize she was there.
>
> "Thanks." Ah. The first, tangy sip of vitamins refreshed my throat.
>
> "What would you like to eat?"
>
> "What's on offer?"
>
> I chose the Eggs Bennie, reserving the Suvlaki for the next time I
> visited Terry's Restaurant and Bar.
>
> I read, listened to the quiet conversation, and Toronto's at-work
> station. It suited the cozy place quite well, The uncluttered feel
> relaxed me.
>
> The announcer spoke energetically between songs about the gorgeous day.
> People around me began talking just a little louder, laughing, as if
> they, too had been affected by the first decent day in the year. The
> happiness spread through me. The Eggs Bennie came, and I concentrated on
> the homemade breakfast.
>
> "Everything here is homemade," said the server, as she placed the dish
> in front of me.
>
> Throughout the meal, she stopped by to ask if things were satisfactory.
>
> "You bet," I replied each time.
>
> I'd heard my server talking to others, heard them choosing from a wide
> variety that included burgers, chicken suvlaki and Greek salad.
>
> "Is this a Greek restaurant?" I asked when she came to take the clean
> plate away
>
> "Not really," she said, "though it's Greek-owned. This is a family-owned
> restaurant. Can I interest you in dessert?"
>
> "In lieu of a filthy rich lifestyle? Sure."
>
> It was a toss-up between the honey walnut cake, and the baklava. The
> baklava won out.
>
> My server presented me with a roughly triangular pile of onion-skin thin
> phyllo pastry layered with crushed almonds and walnuts, saturated in
> syrup. The honey and cinnamon smell wafted up to me. It didn't stand a
> chance. I slid my fork under a layer of phyllo. I'd heard of it before,
> but had never known exactly what the pastry was like. It was so
> delicate, and unbelievably thin. After that, I tasted the contrasting
> meaty nuts. The rest of it was savored, bite by bite, in all its
> glorious layers.
>
> It had the taste of some of those grain cereals lathered in honey.
>
>
>
> I made sure to tell my server that I would return to Terry's Restaurant
> and Bar.
>
> Though I never sampled the bar, I found the restaurant with its friendly
> server, its low-key crowd, and its unobtrusive music, a thoroughly
> enjoyable way to spend an afternoon.
>
> Not only that, the very capable chef gave me a piece of baklava to take
> home.
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