[stylist] Try The Baklava (revised and cleaned up I hope)

Mon Mar 17 01:50:55 UTC 2014

No problem, Thea. I also like that you showed a conversation between you and the waitress. Well done.

Alyssa

Sent from my iPhone

> On Mar 16, 2014, at 7:30 PM, "Miss Thea" <thearamsay at rogers.com> wrote:
> 
> Thanks, Alyssa.
> I appreciate your feedback.
> I thought I might go from repetition to deleting a clue or two. Hehehehe.
> That's okay, though.
> I'll fix her up.
> Thea
> 
> -----Original Message----- From: Alyssa Frierson
> Sent: Sunday, March 16, 2014 7:34 PM
> To: Writer's Division Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Try The Baklava (revised and cleaned up I hope)
> 
> Hi, Thea.
> I think this piece reads better than the first. You do a really good
> job of putting the reader right there with you. One tiny critique,
> though. You wrote:
> The announcer spoke energetically between songs about the gorgeous
> day. People around me began talking just a little louder, laughing, as
> if they, too had been affected by the first decent day in the year.
> The happiness spread through me. The Eggs Bennie came, and I
> concentrated on the homemade breakfast.
> 
> I know from the previous version that the "announcer" is a radio
> announcer, but if I were reading this for the first time, I'd be
> confused about where the announcer was speaking from. Maybe just add
> that the announcer was a radio announcer to make that clear.
> Otherwise, this is a good second draft. Thanks for sharing, and good job!
> 
> Alyssa
> 
> 
>> On 3/15/14, Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com> wrote:
>> Thea,
>> 
>> I haven't had a chance to read the first version, so my comments will
>> only pertain to this piece.
>> 
>> I like your use of sensory descriptions. The opening para is strong.
>> 
>> Much better job of para seperation with this piece as opposed to the
>> dating scam piece.
>> 
>> Not a big deal, but not sure why you need to repeat the name in the
>> following section when you already state it earlier. I made sure to tell
>> my server that I would return to Terry's Restaurant and Bar.
>> 
>> Much more concise writing too than the scam piece.
>> 
>> My only critique, watch for places where you can change the passive
>> voice.
>> 
>> I did not notice repetition, grin.
>> 
>> Bridgit
>> 
>> 
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Miss Thea
>> Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2014 5:09 PM
>> To: Writer's Division Mailing List
>> Subject: [stylist] Try The Baklava (revised and cleaned up I hope)
>> 
>> 
>> As this was the shorter of the two articles, I thought I'd go for a
>> revision. This article falls just short of 600 words. Please let me know
>> if I've begun to overcome my tendency to repetition. Thanks for any
>> help. Thea
>> 
>> Try The Baklava
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> On the first above-zero day in March, the sun called me out of my
>> isolation. After an appointment, I white-caned it down the quiet street,
>> the afternoon stretching out before me. The cool, sunny air sent waves
>> of savory come-ons. I walked into the first place in the plaza, Terry's
>> Restaurant and Bar.
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> I pushed my way through a glass door, and found a seat by the entrance.
>> 
>> Soon after I sat down, a friendly server came by and asked if I'd like a
>> cup of coffee. I asked for Decaf, but as the kitchen was too small to
>> carry two coffee-makers, I chose orange juice on ice.
>> 
>> I opened the musty, fragrant Braille book I'd brought and placed it on
>> the table. The left edge touched the leftmost wall. Shafts of sun came
>> through the metal Venetian blinds to warm my fingers. I started to read.
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> While reading, I sat back in my chair and listened to the place. People
>> spoke from two rows of tables-the one I was sitting at, and one to my
>> right, with nice walking space between.
>> 
>> "Here's your orange juice, hon," she said, startling me a little, as I
>> didn't realize she was there.
>> 
>> "Thanks." Ah. The first, tangy sip of vitamins refreshed my throat.
>> 
>> "What would you like to eat?"
>> 
>> "What's on offer?"
>> 
>> I chose the Eggs Bennie, reserving the Suvlaki for the next time I
>> visited Terry's Restaurant and Bar.
>> 
>> I read, listened to the quiet conversation, and Toronto's at-work
>> station. It suited the cozy place quite well, The uncluttered feel
>> relaxed me.
>> 
>> The announcer spoke energetically between songs about the gorgeous day.
>> People around me began talking just a little louder, laughing, as if
>> they, too had been affected by the first decent day in the year. The
>> happiness spread through me. The Eggs Bennie came, and I concentrated on
>> the homemade breakfast.
>> 
>> "Everything here is homemade," said the server, as she placed the dish
>> in front of me.
>> 
>> Throughout the meal, she stopped by to ask if things were satisfactory.
>> 
>> "You bet," I replied each time.
>> 
>> I'd heard my server talking to others, heard them choosing from a wide
>> variety that included burgers, chicken suvlaki and Greek salad.
>> 
>> "Is this a Greek restaurant?" I asked when she came to take the clean
>> plate away
>> 
>> "Not really," she said, "though it's Greek-owned. This is a family-owned
>> restaurant. Can I interest you in dessert?"
>> 
>> "In lieu of a filthy rich lifestyle? Sure."
>> 
>> It was a toss-up between the honey walnut cake, and the baklava. The
>> baklava won out.
>> 
>> My server presented me with a roughly triangular pile of onion-skin thin
>> phyllo pastry layered with crushed almonds and walnuts, saturated in
>> syrup. The honey and cinnamon smell wafted up to me. It didn't stand a
>> chance. I slid my fork under a layer of phyllo. I'd heard of it before,
>> but had never known exactly what the pastry was like. It was so
>> delicate, and unbelievably thin. After that, I tasted the contrasting
>> meaty nuts. The rest of it was savored, bite by bite, in all its
>> glorious layers.
>> 
>> It had the taste of some of those grain cereals lathered in honey.
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> I made sure to tell my server that I would return to Terry's Restaurant
>> and Bar.
>> 
>> Though I never sampled the bar, I found the restaurant with its friendly
>> server, its low-key crowd, and its unobtrusive music, a thoroughly
>> enjoyable way to spend an afternoon.
>> 
>> Not only that, the very capable chef gave me a piece of baklava to take
>> home.
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