[stylist] Flash fiction

[Atty Rose]

Thanks! I was thinking of submitted it to Daily Science Fiction and will 
take your suggestions!
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, March 27, 2014 8:22 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] Flash fiction


> Hey Atty,
>
> This is a very clever, creative, and funny story. I really like how you 
> took seeds from some of the conversations on this list (at least, I think 
> you might have) and let them grow intothis piece. I love the idea of the 
> e-cat and the litter scooper and it's olifactory plug-in. And the back and 
> forth between brother and sister is just great.
>
> I don't know if you plan on doing anything with this, but you could 
> probably tighten it a little (for instance, get rid of the word 'and' in 
> many sentences, and break them into shorter, snappier sentences) and add 
> just a little visual detail. The girl's expression when the litter scooper 
> is on her bed, Desmond's face when he first walks in, what does e-girl 
> look like? A touch of visual detail will help make it real (not e-real) 
> for the reader.
>
> A couple of other things:
>
> Desman Burst into Karly's bedroom, banging the wall with the door. Mom 
> says it's your turn to clean the litter box." - you are missing an opening 
> quotation mark here
>
> sixteen year old  should be hyphenated: sixteen-year-old...
>
> halfway is one word
>
> He tucked the scoop under his arm, pulled out his phone and texted her, 
> "I'm not doing it and don't expect me to babysit for your e-brats." - you 
> should have a period instead of a comma after 'texted her'. And, for 
> tightness, you don't need the word 'for' in the text message.
>
> The door popped open enough to show Karly's face. "OK, I'll do it if... - 
> spell out 'okay'
>
> Great job, Atty. I love the last line. Thanks for sharing.
>
> chris
>
>
>
>
>
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