[stylist] Flash fiction

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Atty,

Chris sums it up well. Not much to add. Clever and funny. Agree you can
tighten things up in a revision, but solid otherwise.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris
Kuell
Sent: Thursday, March 27, 2014 8:22 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Flash fiction


Hey Atty,

This is a very clever, creative, and funny story. I really like how you
took 
seeds from some of the conversations on this list (at least, I think you

might have) and let them grow intothis piece. I love the idea of the
e-cat 
and the litter scooper and it's olifactory plug-in. And the back and
forth 
between brother and sister is just great.

I don't know if you plan on doing anything with this, but you could
probably 
tighten it a little (for instance, get rid of the word 'and' in many 
sentences, and break them into shorter, snappier sentences) and add just
a 
little visual detail. The girl's expression when the litter scooper is
on 
her bed, Desmond's face when he first walks in, what does e-girl look
like? 
A touch of visual detail will help make it real (not e-real) for the
reader.

A couple of other things:

Desman Burst into Karly's bedroom, banging the wall with the door. Mom
says 
it's your turn to clean the litter box." - you are missing an opening 
quotation mark here

sixteen year old  should be hyphenated: sixteen-year-old...

halfway is one word

He tucked the scoop under his arm, pulled out his phone and texted her,
"I'm 
not doing it and don't expect me to babysit for your e-brats." - you
should 
have a period instead of a comma after 'texted her'. And, for tightness,
you 
don't need the word 'for' in the text message.

The door popped open enough to show Karly's face. "OK, I'll do it if...
- 
spell out 'okay'

 Great job, Atty. I love the last line. Thanks for sharing.

chris


 


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