[stylist] BP Sharing writing
Bridgit Pollpeter via stylist
stylist at nfbnet.org
Tue May 27 21:45:29 UTC 2014
You also don't want to repeat other words too much either. Figure could
easily be over-used as well. To me, "they" and "their" are less
innocuous than using figure, or some other word, over and over.
Something to revisit and revise though.
Bridgit
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Barbara
HAMMEL via stylist
Sent: Tuesday, May 27, 2014 3:12 PM
To: Chris Kuell; Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] BP Sharing writing
Now that you mention it, Iagree that "it" probably would work better.
Sent from my iPhone
> On May 27, 2014, at 12:14 PM, "Chris Kuell via stylist"
> <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>
> Hi Bridgit,
>
> In the following passage you use 'a figure' two times, conveying a
> single person or entity. But then you use 'they' and 'their', which I
> understand because you don't know the gender or even species, but
> still I find the plural form offputting. It's probably just me, but I
> thought I'd mention it. You might consider using 'it' or 'the figure'
> or 'the person' or something that suits you.
>
> Twenty-feet in front of me, a figure strides
> towards me. My heart pounds and I glance around, nervous, looking for
> an escape. This is just a dream, so I can wake myself. I've done it
> before. I do it every time I have this dream.
>
> The figure approaches. They are wearing a cloak with a hood that hides
> their face.
>
> I do understand your use of color, and you do tell us early on that
> 'this world gleems with brilliance' and 'technicolor' and too radiant
> to be real' and iridescent'. It just jumped out to me that your
> descriptions focused on color, which is fine, since it's a dream world
> that you are creating.
>
> As to where you are going with it--I guess I'll have to wait and see.
>
> chris
>
>
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