[stylist] could anyone read this please?

Thu Apr 2 17:30:55 UTC 2015

Vejas,

Another thing that occurred to me is to use more direct quotes from the book
to better illustrate your points. You currently only have one quote, but
when reviewing and analyzing written work, it's best to use direct quotes to
help demonstrate the point you are trying to make. Don't burden your review
with quotes, but find ones to help strengthen your argument.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris Kuell
via stylist
Sent: Thursday, April 02, 2015 8:00 AM
To: 'Vejas Vasiliauskas'; 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] could anyone read this please?

Hi Vejas,

I think this reads pretty well for a first draft. I have no problem with a
negative book review, although you might want to point out what others may
like about the book. For example (and of course, I haven't read the book)
you were looking for more descriptions of culture, but the book focused on
interpersonal relationships. So, if that's what people like, maybe they'll
love the book. And how was the writing? Was it engaging? Was it compelling?
Or slow and boring?

Now, a more general thought is that while Sally was born in England, it
seems like she spent most of her life in other countries--England the least.
So, is it really surprising that she doesn't give more cultural descriptions
about the UK?

In the following, you definitely have a run-on sentence. Plus, you have her
going to Portugal again without ever leaving it. So you'll want to
straighten that out.

After a while they moved to Portugal.  
While in Portugal, Sally gained a little sister, and her stepfather left the
family.  Sally, her mother and sister moved to Portugal, and then to Georgia
in the United States, then later back to Portugal, the UK and finally back
to the US, this time in Virginia, where she finished high school.  

I agree with you that fictionalizing her mother as a teenager isn't
appropriate for a memoir. Be sure to tell the reader who her mother is
earlier (you just drop in the names Sylvia and Grace) and consider quoting
from that section of the book to help illustrate why you gathered that Grace
was gay.

Overall, I think this is a very good start. Good luck with it.

Chris

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