[stylist] Dealing with frustration memories!

Mon Apr 20 05:06:33 UTC 2015

Michael,

I am in my fifties—okay, mid fifties, and am going through the very difficult transition between having limited sight and no sight at all. I have RP and it has progressed to the point where my remaining vision in my left eye fades from time to time and takes longer to recover. This frightens the heck out of me. So many wonderful people have taken the time to show me how to use the computer without sight, but I have been fighting this process, and as a result, have not retained the valuable information and skills that were taught to me. Now, I’m facing reality and my life has come to a crossroads. I either need to accept my blindness or drown in the frustration of not being prepared. 

I cannot begin to relate my emotions about this new endeavor on which I’m about to embark. Like a spoiled child who never really appreciated the time I had been given, I’m still digging my heels in. Why? Who knows? On good days, I keep my eyes closed and force myself to practice the skills that I had been shown. It is hard, but necessary to prepare for the ultimate darkness when the light refuses to return. It will happen, it’s just a matter of when. 

I have lost friends, have been made to feel worthless at times, and have nearly drowned in my own pity parties, but that is a natural process, or so I’m told. All I can say is thank God for all the wonderful blind people who have offered their hand and have shown me that life is not lost. I can still do most of the things I love. I just need to relearn a new way of experiencing things. 

For example, my deaf husband and I really wanted to learn how to scuba dive. We could not find any dive masters who were willing to teach a deaf man and his blind wife how to survive under water. Not giving up hope, we ended up going to Belize and obtained our advanced diving credentials. Where i could not see underwater, I could feel the life around me. It was surreal and provided a rare experience that I will never forget. The nice thing was that I was the only one who was not afraid to go night diving. Ha, go figure. See, blindness does have its advantages. 

I love to drive and miss the experience very much. My husband is taking me to the beach next week where i can drive our new Jeep Wrangler. Believe me, I intend to share that experience with you all upon its conclusion. 

Hope that adds a bit of insight. 

R o w e n a  P o r t c h
Author of the Spirian Saga

RowenaPortch.com <http://rowenaportch.com/>

View the Book Trailer for The Spirian Saga, a new paranormal romance <http://youtu.be/XeNmJkXyJv0>
On Apr 19, 2015, at 3:49 PM, Applebutter Hill via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:

Michael,
You raise an interesting subject which unfortunately has as many answers as
there are blind people. A few points occur to me. First, as blind people we
have the same mix of abilities to deal with emotions as the general public;
people have different temperaments, different beliefs about expressing
feelings, different sets of consequences that we have experienced for
expressing strong emotions, different philosophies about the proper way to
handle situations and different basic physiological make-upps. We all have
to deal with blindness on a fundamental emotional and spiritual level from a
place that is unique to us, and I believe we should not be so quick to
either condemn someone else for not doing as well as we think they should be
doing or to assume that there is a one-size-fits-all approach to the
problem.

While I agree with the idea that sighted people have things that push their
buttons, and I envy anyone who truly can put it all in a box and come up
with the idea that blind people don't differ from the general public in
having anger issues all that much, I find that explanation doesn't work very
well for me. Prejudice is piled on in addition to all of the normal things
that can push a person over the edge. Unlike people who experience prejudice
because of their inclusion in racial, ethnic or religious groups, blind
people do not have the benefit of being geographically and physically
surrounded in their day-to-day worlds by others who can understand,
intelligently counsel and comfort them. The only other group which deals
with this type of isolation within the core groups to which we should all
naturally belong are gays. Though gay kids experience many of the horrors of
bullying and isolation like blind and visually impaired kids do, they
ultimately seem to be more efficient at seeking out others like themselves.

As for your question about the value of adaptive skills in helping you deal
with your anger, I will say this. If the anger is based upon your inability
to move forward into a successful, independent and happy life without sight
in which you see yourself as fundamentally equal as the sighted people in
your world, then, yes, blindness skills can help. It is a challenge to feel
worthy and independent if you cannot independently perform the skills of
daily living and move forward on your chosen path (and not as a second-rate
alternative). If you have a nagging sense that you are simply "faking it,"
let that be a guide to you and get on a path to master the skills that any
adult (regardless of their sight) should be capable of. When you find
yourself giving credence to the idea that this or that activity or goal is
no longer possible because of your blindness, stop yourself and make sure
you are not misinformed. I am routinely shocked that so many intelligent,
blind people have no idea about the many fields of employment and leisure
activity which are open to them.

That said, there are other factors. People (and most blind people fall into
this category) who grow up fully sighted and who are normally integrated
into family, school, community life, who then lose their sight, also often
lose much of their stature within the social structures they were integrated
into. This is problematic and difficult to deal with on a long-term basis.
Most people don't ever have to deal with anything like the rejection,
humiliation and ongoing despair that many blind people face. When the
recession hit in 2009, many "normal" people found themselves thrust from
the essence of their daily lives, their professions, coworkers,
neighborhoods, friends and even families when they lost their jobs and
homes. Many had no way of dealing with it, no experience with moving on from
such a loss. They found it difficult, even when it lasted for less than a
year.

Many blind people spend their whole lives trying to break through an
invisible wall of prejudice. To their credit, some develop enough internal
strength to weather the situation with a minimal destruction of their hearts
and souls and often with below average financial resources. The stress of
having to tackle such a task cannot be overstated. I personally think the
sighted world could learn a lot about perseverance, and many other good
virtues from blind people who have pursued the good fight instead of giving
in to the pervasive public opinion that we simply can't expect much and
should learn to stay in our place, accept the help and kindness of others
and give up on our longing for success and independence.

Another issue comes when a person grows up in the gray world between
blindness and sight. It is not uncommon for people in this situation to have
only marginal grounding in  society. Families, church communities, schools,
etc.  are notoriously unsupportive, contributing to denial of blindness and
actively working against a nonvisual approach to education. Unlike the
people who grew up fully sighted, they do not have a memory of being
included, accepted, etc. This is not necessarily easier or harder, but
simply different.
Donna
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Michael via
stylist
Sent: Thursday, April 16, 2015 3:11 AM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] Dealing with frustration memories!

Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Hello All Fellow Readers of this Exchange!

A note to Helen Kobek and her recent publication, "Everyday Cruelty". I have
not yet red your book but the title immediately aroused a memory within me.
I hope to get a copy of your book along the way.

The memory that returned to me, even though it not be one of my better
moments, I would still   like to share this cruel moment that came my
way. I cannot find the printed version of this story but I do have it in an
audio versioned. It is in an MP3 file and it deals with a blind persons
frustrations and how that frustration manifested. I just wonder how many
others who are partially sighted or blind come to deal with their
frustrations. I know I had to learn that there are many different ways to
deal with this anxiety. A near blind life is tough enough without having
others take you to task, not knowing all the facts! If there is anyone out
there that would like an MP3 copy which runs about 15 minutes, let me know
and I'll pass my personal experience of years ago unto you.

The most interesting part of this whole matter is that I am not a violent
person. But the lesson in this narrative, is be careful when you start
messing with someone's frustration, no less a blind mans woes!

I don't know if this group allows this type of input but I thought it might
be interesting to someone who has had to deal with confrontations.
I am wondering if any blind skills would have helped me through this
situation. Sometimes, action is better than skills.maybe!

Forgive me if i am out of line here!
Michael
stylist at nfbnet.org

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