[stylist] Angel Eyes-Something different Please critique

[Applebutter Hill]

Mike,
Interesting. My initial thoughts are that the beginning should be tightened
up a bit. It's like we've got the idea and the suspense is being sustained
beyond a point at the cost of the reader's patience. Look for the best and
edit out the rest. You use unnecessary adverbs like "now" and "almost" a
lot, and you could keep your good ideas and imagery by rewriting the
sentences in a more succinct manner. You do some strange things with
semicolons, and I'd double-check for extra/unnecessary words.

Also, I would have personally ended the story when the secretary shows her
the appointment book or even before when she tells her she didn't have an
appointment. I didn't see that coming, and I think the surprise ending is
great, but when you continue after that, it loses its punch.

In terms of the ideas in the last part (after she realizes she didn't have
an appointment), it feels like the outline or summation of a longer piece
rather than a part of the story above it.
Good job,
Donna

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Michael via
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Sent: Wednesday, April 29, 2015 12:17 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] Angel Eyes-Something different Please critique

Angel Eyes!
Insights To Beyond
By Michael M. Tickenoff C

It is not often that the wind of change is known to blow. Few are they who
come to know its change and so it was on one strange day in a most different
way.

Doctor Irene Applestene slowly pulled back from her Ophthalmoscope, somewhat
bewildered while looking around at her examining room to make sure she was
where she was meant to be. Her clear piercing eyes of deep emerald green
scanned the decorated wall, as a skilled gemologist would examine a rare
stone. Within this momentary glance, she was reassured of her knowledge and
abilities, for they were the keystone and the compass needle of her life.
They were filled with years of hard earned degrees and enough tagged on
post-nominal letters to create several alphabets in moldable languages. The
wall of her awards of excellence and commendations of international praise
were arranged around one jeweled centerpiece. She sighed as her keen eye
riveted onto that most prestigious and notable memorial of excellence, the
golden plaque of prominence from the United Nations itself.

She squeezed the bridge of her nose, squinting her large green eyes while
thinking. It was supposed to be a smooth good day which was to move along
without too many complications, didn't her patients know this, she
reflected? After all, she had a hundred engagements to keep and a thousand
schedules to fulfill. Maybe it was time for her to take that long awaited
vacation: enough article writing for the medical journals, enough traveling
from one international  seminar to  another, and certainly enough building
up of her clinic's reputation.

Who was this new patient, how did he get an appointment and who might have
recommended him? She sat back and wondered. Oh yes, the Universal Sight
Institute, a Doctor Kindleburger, the name came back to her now.
Surely this had to be someone of significance if Kindleburger himself had
recommended him. However, something strange was going on here and it was
making strong mental demands on her, bewildering her intelligence and
certainly irritating her famous prestige. Perhaps she was a bit tired after
that long weekend at last week's Seattle International Retina Seminar, but
still this did not account for this very unusual occurrence being shown
within this patients dilated eyes. She continued to ponder.

Surely puzzled, she came to regain her professional acuity and rational
balance while looking around her office with some doubt in what she had seen
in Mortin  Jacobs eyes. Taking stock of her surroundings and as if letting
them go; she once again adjusted her latest million dollar high resolution
retina camera scope and moved in to examine the inner eye of her new
patient.
This Jacobs was a younger man, well groomed and well mannered, pleasant as a
patient but there was something different about this youthful person. His
examination started as all of her standard examinations began. Reading with
the Specular Microscope, testing with the high resolution optical
refractors, measuring his cornea and lenses, all seemed well; but now,
looking beyond and into his retina through her latest high intensity
Ophthalmoscope, she wondered if it might be acting up, or something very
mysterious was going on deep in this man's eyes.
Whatever it was, it was beyond the reach of the most expensive instruments
that money could buy. Doctor Applestene went back over all her preliminary
tests in her mind and could not recall anything unusual with the first set
of tests. But still now, what was baffling her?

Looking again, closer for the third time, and with her formally disciplined
eye, she could not come to grips intellectually with what she was now seeing
in the depths of her patient. Time for this patient's examination had
already lapsed and her assistant had notified her of several other
appointments now waiting their scheduled times. But her scientific
inquisitiveness would not allow her to pull herself away from the
incredible, unidentified and unimaginable events, and yes, that is the only
way she could describe what was taking place inside these strange eyes of
events.

Doctor Irene Applestene was one of the world's top specialists in her field.
She had not only studied, but practiced, under some of the most renowned
optometry surgeons and specialists in the world but nothing had prepared her
for this challenge. Her long years of practice and headline breakthroughs in
retina restoration had helped her establish her own clinic, now well
accepted; and she was most notable for her extraordinary research and
accomplishments. But all this somehow seemed to be placed on a cliff and
ready to be blown away by some strange wind of change.

She had been on one of the top teams in one of the world's greatest visual
and sight clinics, experiencing everything there was to experience in the
field of vision, but nothing ever like this. She had heard some very strange
stories of medical phenomenology and psychical nerve conjections but this
was totally off the eye chart and beyond her credential filled wall. Her
forth and fifth look into these eyes only took her further into another
world. The patient, Mortin Jacobs was completely relaxed, trusting in her
professional skills and scholarly abilities and sat quietly with a calm but
anxious smile on his face.

At first she began to consider what she had eaten for lunch; maybe something
had been slipped into her high-energy protein drink; but no, that was not it
-- she had not yet eaten lunch. This new retina camera system was the latest
and most sophisticated and costly instrument in its field. She tapped it
lightly, readjusted every setting, but no change.
Maybe someone was playing games with her through this instrument; but no,
that was impossible, she concluded. Never before had she ever been filled
with such awe and wonder, it was nearly unbelievable. For there in the deep
recesses of this man's eyes, there danced and appeared hoards of what she
could only consider to be strange phenomena. The only word that came to mind
that might describe this extraordinary event, came back to her from years
past out of a long forgotten religion class, once required by her
university.
She could not quite bring herself to even think that this phenomenon might
be called angels. The only recollection of what an angel might resemble was
from rare paintings she had seen in the European galleries.
The best thing she could do to keep perspective was to stand back for a
moment and come back to reality by once again reading all her accredited
documentations, focusing in on those hard earned post-nominal letters.
Each one of those multiple letters, nearly equaling the entire alphabet, had
cost her years of her life and endless, what seemed to be ages, of research.
Yes, they were there hanging with each credential certifying her title after
her name, with not just years, but decades of accumulated Letters, framed
neatly as icons, and now nearly covering the larger wall off to the side.

Huh, she laughed, as the thought of how many angels could fit on the head of
a pin came to mind. This is childish she nearly growled. But the more
intellectual question continued to force itself across her neural tabula.
She was somehow asking her incredible intellect, not just asking but
actually engaged in a fight, demanding how many angels could dance, streak
and fly around on a human retina.

This was getting out of hand, what would such a presentation do to her
reputation, no less her World famed Applestene Retina Center. In reality,
these were unidentified flying objects, and she almost burst out laughing at
this thought.UFO's? And no less, UFO's in my office, or worse, in my
patients eyes, O heavens, why me?

Somehow she had to get rid of this guy, but first one more look. Her mind
was now locked onto the inner eye of her patient. For some reason now, she
was now feeling comfortable and without a doubt, she was mesmerized and
soon found that she was being as if observed from something inside these
eyes. These observances, were what she had come to remember, well, by the
name angels! Her years of training kept bringing her back to the foundation
of everything she knew, it was she who was suppose to be doing the
observing!  Like flashes of fire they flew, back and forth, somehow
disappearing deep into the coils of nerves winding back into the optic
nerve, moving into the brain and disappearing there into the inner sanctum
of mind. With her own vision, she could trace the flight or flash of each
light, well, she did not yet want to distinguish anything as an angel. She
was drawn by what seemed to be some kind of observance, not of the patient;
but it was undeniable and a positive understanding of some sort of
observance of herself, by what she saw or was now classifying, having no
choice, as angels. Every other second or so, she would catch a glimpse of a
form out of the flashing light and even a shining face might show itself.
"Outrageous," she screamed inwardly, she was actually attaching names to
these faces and flashes: Genasendon, Sontranoyn  , Hijanduroun and other
strange names she had never even dreamed about.
They seemed to be delivering their observations back through the tunnel of
the optic nerve and disappearing into the brain and then into the mind, out
of her visual reach.

As she stared in amazement, she was  filled with an unusual awareness  of
silent messages being transferred into her own thoughts; especially when the
brightest light would move right up to her own vision and suddenly
disappear. Doctor Irene Applestene was so enthralled with her observances,
it was as if she wanted to chase these lights or beings back to their hiding
place deep in the recesses of this mind.
However, she knew this was impossible. Especially as she watched these
lights continually bringing forth treasures, that might only be described as
thousands of terabytes of precious and rare intelligence; placing all of it
softly there within her own mind. One beautiful treasure after another,
arranged so orderly, almost like a library of never before published volumes
of wisdom, waiting to be placed upon the shelves of her empty mind. It was
as if she had become an empty hard-drive and was now being written upon for
the first time, she almost laughed as she thought of being a virgin but this
was too serious. This was impossible, but she could not break away from the
visions of this wonder. There was no fear attached to this transfer of
knowledge, it was more wondrous than fearful.  A strange new knowledge in
some manner floated into her mind, flashed around and  then settled there,
almost like star dust being delivered from a falling star. No professor or
book had ever even come close to touching this indescribable experience.

Finally, her trance was broken by Mortin's clearing of his throat and he
asked, "Is everything alright in there Doctor Applestene?"

She suddenly stood back almost in a noticeable daze, rubbing her own eyes,
not knowing exactly what to say. She hesitantly answered in a slow,
drawn-out voice, "Well, you certainly have some unusual activity going on in
there Mr. Jacobs."

With earnest concern in his voice he asked, "Is it serious?"

Serious, beyond measure she thought, if she could even report any of this to
the academic world, they would classify her well, insane! She chuckled to
herself nearly crying out with a propitious declaration and asked, Mortin,
let me ask you a few questions here," as she pulled up a high stool to be
eye level with this man.
She ran her fingers across her forehead as if removing any sweat and making
sure her hair was still in place; she asked in a meek voice of civility,
"What exactly are you seeing that makes you wonder that something might be
wrong with your sight?

Mortin casually gesticulated with his shoulders and seemed not to want to
give any in-depth answer. He looked away, undergoing what Doctor Applestene
registered as planned reluctance. After a few moments of pregnant silence,
he turned to her, stared directly into her wide open blue eyes,  and simply
stated, "Well, Doctor Applestene I have been seeing flashes of light and
this has me somewhat concerned."

"Tell me about these flashes of light, when did they begin? the Doctor
inquired casually. She wanted to know for herself if her patient knew of
what was going on inside his eyes.
"I don't really know how to say this, but it started a few weeks back when I
visited my great grandmother just before she died."

"Oh really, tell me about this." She really had her curiosity up and running
now.

"Well, my grandmother Emily, was a very unusual woman. She requested that I
come to her home and when I did, we talked and then she told me that she
wanted to speak words for me. She then laid hands over my eyes and began to
murmur in strange words not known to me. That was the only event that I can
remember to be, well unusual, in my recollections back.
It was a few days after this, she passed away. Then shortly thereafter,
well, in fact, right at her funeral these things began inside me. I began to
see flashes of light. It started with tiny flashes but slowly increased and
weird visions and strange dreams began to come to my attention and they have
not stopped."

Applestene was now leaning forward, looking at Mortin, steadying herself
trying to appear casual. Her small delicate hand was supporting her chin
while her fingers were nervously tapping her cheek. It was more than obvious
that she was intensely listening. And within her there was a curiosity so
strong that it could have powered a good sized city for a week. Her
scientific inquisitiveness would not back down, it was almost ready to
explode within herself but she did not want her patient to become aware of
her inner frustrations. Somehow her years of professional training managed
to help her, calmly and professionally keep her composure, except for biting
her tongue. She nonchalantly inquired further, "Besides the religious thing,
what made your great grandmother Emily, so different in your opinion?"

"I don't know, but I do know she was a good woman, more than a giving
person, strange in her old fashioned ways. And from what I know of her she
was actually a close relative of Einstein!"

Several flashes instantly went off in Doctor Applestene's own head. She sat
straight up and now realized that this interaction with this man was
provoking her, way more than just in creating some scientific interest.
For Irene knew that she also, was somehow tied into the Einstein family by
her distant long past grandfather. Now again, her mind was swinging back
through her family tree, but it had been so long ago since she had even
visited her old parents or had thought of her roots and a hidden guilt came
to her mind.
Mortin did not want to say more, but Doctor Applestene seemed genuinely
concerned and pressed on with further questions. "What type of visions or
strange dreams came to you?"

Mortin knew that this questioning was out of the Doctors professional scope,
but knew now he had to proceed, "I don't know, just all kinds of things. At
first it seemed as though I could read other peoples thoughts and had all
kinds of unusual feelings going on in my head and it was as if I knew the
future and it was as if I could be in two places at once."

The future, she smiled; sure, she thought; then pressed on. "What kind of
feelings," Irene asked.

"Feelings of knowing things, distances, sort of spaced out, and feelings of
some kind of affection that I never felt before. Sometimes it seemed as
though I had a rushing river in my head, other times I was as if flying.
Just all kinds of odd forms, strange lists and formulas, and weird dot-like
pixels."

Interesting enough, he was describing some of the very feelings she had
received while looking into his eyes, "What has you bothered about this?
Irene Inquired.

"I really want to get my pilot's license but I am afraid if my eyes are
messed up, then I won't be able to get my license."

Applestene had to laugh within, thinking that with these angel eyes, you
won't ever need to fly anywhere again! She then suddenly caught her
thoughts, she was already concluding that these were angelic somethings.

Doctor Irene Applestene now sat there as if in great contemplation,
wondering if she should tell any of her colleagues about this. She finally
decided that she would now begin taking a series of pictures of Mortin's
inner eye and possibly capture this most incredible phenomena on film. For
if she were to tell someone about this, surely they would consider her going
off into the wild blue yonder, chasing UFO's! But with actual pictures, she
would have some proof of what she had seen. This evidence was vital in her
profession and of course in the courtroom of the medical professionals,
considered the saintly judges and critics of all things true. Just then her
office secretary entered the examination room and once again reminded her of
her other waiting patients.
Doctor Applestene slowly turned to her assistant and said, "Please Marry,
cancel all my appointments for the day, just say that I was taken ill and
had to leave."

Her assistant gave her a worried glance and was puzzled over the strange
look upon the doctors face.
Her assistant looked around the room and asked, "Are you sure, Doctor
Applestene? Many of these people have been waiting a long time for their
visits, is everything all right with you?"
She sat there rubbing her temples and uttered in a distant voice, "Yes, I am
sure, just let me be for now; I'll be alright."

The door closed and Doctor Applestene sat down across from Mortin just
staring at him; not sure of her next move.
Morton soon sat forward and shifted himself up straight and smiled, waiting
for a special moment, then said in a distinct, well understood tone,
dragging his words out very slow and precise, "You know---don't you?"

For the first time since she was a child she humbly looked up from her
charts and slowly nodded her reluctant yes. Finally saying, "Yes, somehow I
know, but exactly what I know I cannot say, none of my so-named Letters of
knowledge can give me an explanation. Can you provide me with some
reasonable comprehension of this. She pointed to her own eyes for emphasis
while sincerely asking for his input.

"All I can say is that now that you know, nothing will ever be the same for
you again."

She stomped her foot, which she realized was the beginning of one of her
childish tantrums and  was taken back by this: this was not the answer she
wanted to hear. This could not be, "What do you mean by this? I have a
profession, a world famous clinic and a clinic to run, it is something I've
spent my entire life on, and it is more than important to me and to many
others," she blurted out!

"I'm sorry, if this will not do for you, but I cannot tell you any more than
this. You'll learn what is really important on your own."

"But why did you come to me." She probed, "Why me?"

Mortin was quiet for a time, he looked around and stared at all her
credentials on the wall, and then said softly, "Somehow I just knew to come
to you. I have to somehow give opportunity to these lights or entities," and
he pointed to his eyes. They seem to have a work or an agenda of their own.
How many of them are there, I do not know; but certainly there are too many
for me to handle and this is the only way I was told to transfer them."

Doctor Irene Applestene, while sitting there, just bent her head down
contemplating this strange experience.
She began watching within herself, hundreds of wondrous visions and flashes
of beautiful lights pouring through her mind! It was as though the millions
of unpublished manuscripts in her thoughts were now revealing their wisdom
to her intellect. Incredibly enough she somehow began to see not only the
future but everything that had made the future what it was! She could
actually project her thoughts as far into the future as she thought and
discovered the end of nations, the melting of mountains, the world changes,
even the presidential wins. What frightened her the most was that she
wondered who would be the fifth president from now and found that there
would be none! After some time had passed and strangely enough she had lost
track of it; she came to her senses and looked up.

When her eyes cleared and she came to her right mind, Mortin had stepped out
of the room!
Doctor Applestene quickly opened the door, looked through the other waiting
rooms, not seeing him, and in near panic ran down the hallway into the front
office and looked around for Mortin, but he was nowhere to be seen. She saw
her secretary and assistant looking at her and before they could ask, she
inquired, "Where did my last patient, Mortin Jacobs, go to?"

The secretary and Marry her assistant looked at each other puzzled, and were
taken back with some concern and replied, "What patient, you did not have a
patient. In fact we were baffled that you told us to cancel all your
appointments and we rescheduled them for next week."

Doctor Irene Applestene looked around at the empty waiting room, and for the
first time in her life she was staggered back and all her senses were shaken
to the core as she asked, "What do you mean? Mortin was just in my
examination room. Look on the books for his appointment."
The two assistants turned the appointment book around to their boss, the
head and creator of this famous clinic, Doctor Irene Applestene. They
pointed out the day and time; there was no one, nor any appointment, listed
for a Mortin Jacobs.

She stood there astonished, puzzled and awed at the same time and realized
that she had not taken any pictures, thus no proof!
Then she remembered, "Get hold of the Universal Sight Institute, to a Doctor
Kindleburger and put me through, right now," she snapped!

While she waited nervously in one of her office chairs, trying to piece it
all together, her secretary was on the phone to the Universal Sight
Institute, searching for a Doctor Kindleburger and soon hung up. With the
utmost concern, she turned to her friend and fellow colleague saying, Irene,
there is no such person as a Doctor Kindleburger, nor do they know of any
such person!
Her assistant quietly asked her if they should call a doctor, but Irene
Applestene arose slowly, shook her head from side to side and walked back to
the examination room to review all her degrees and letters of certification,
while mumbling, "No, it's alright but I'll never be the same."

To begin with, this was a terrible burden upon her thinking, for she learned
that an answer to any question she inquired about would be given.
She quickly learned not to ask certain questions, or think on certain
subjects, specifically concerning the world or in the political area, for
the answers were often too mind boggling. In time she became very
disciplined in her thinking and kept her thoughts secret on things
concerning her field of expertise.

>From that day forward, Doctor Irene Applestene, one of the most brilliant
eye specialists in the world slowly had her clinical dreams reduced, along
with her entire life, down to that of a child. She learned, never to accept
any patient over seven years old. For herself she too, somehow, was enabled
the awesome opportunity to come into contact with only the privileged few
where this incomprehensible transfer might take its course. She somehow
knew, that angels in the wrong eyes could be very dangerous. She learned
that the angels would never allow themselves to be photographed or known by
just anyone. They simply dwelled within, and were without name and they made
no extraordinary demands on her. As was spoken to her by Mortin Jacobs, her
life would never be the same and so it was!

Slowly, as time proceeded into the future, her hard earned prestige, along
with her once great name in the scholarly realm, began to fall into
obscurity. However, Irene Applestene's life had so changed and adjusted
around her new knowledge, she was almost unaware of old age creeping up on
her endless journeys into secret realms. Now and then she might consider
regret of such changes but her quest for knowledge quenched any thought of
remorse, for her new inner scholastic masters never left her alone to think
of unfulfilled dreams. She was continuously satisfied and overflowed with
intellect so far beyond what science considered reality that most fellow
scholars avoided her unusual insights to just about everything. Her ultimate
gratification and realization of self worth came in the reception and work
with the hundreds and maybe thousands of those special children who somehow,
over the years, came into her clinic. How many angels or stars of intellect
danced from her eyes into theirs she would never know. She did know that
these children went home to their villages, their towns, their cities and
back to their nations, and with each went a living intelligence. This
intelligence would grow with each child, transforming minds into vaults of
wisdom and incredible new concepts. Each of these new citizens of light
would grow and carry on and transmit the knowledge and the wisdom of a new
heaven and a new earth.
Somehow, the powers to be would never allow the knowledge of the coming
times to disappear or be forgotten; and so it is to this day; everywhere
around us!
The End!

TickPub Thanks You,
All The Best And More,
Regards And Respect From Michael!
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