[stylist] Obituaries gone wild

[EvaMarie Sanchez]

Well, I said it would be a while, but I am not good at holding things in
when they perculate. So, here is my try at obituaries... of a sort.
Enjoy.
Eve


Obituaries



S. Crow

                He always had great ambition to learn, but he was a
brainless twit. His life could have taken any direction if he would have
been able to make a choice. Instead, he was stuck in a career of
agricultural security. He was a true and loyal friend though, and a
fantastic traveling companion. His hobbies included singing and dancing. He
lived life as best as he knew how to until the day that he was eviscerated
by flying monkeys and left for fodder.

                The memorial service is canceled due to his remains being
stolen by the first little pig.



S. L. Pig

                Joined in death by his brother, F. L. Pig. Survived by his
brother, T. L. Pig, and his mother.

                He spent his days playing, singing and dancing. He rarely
took life seriously and was a stickler for living on the edge. He had just
recently become a homeowner and that is where the tragedy starts. He, along
with his brother, was killed when his new house blew down around them. The
bodies were difficult to identify after Big Bad Wolf brutally ravaged them,
presumably in his grief.  His fearless nature will be sorely missed, all
the way to the hairs on our chinny chin chins.



B.B. Wolf

                Alone, he died in the hospital where he was being treated
for trichinosis, a parasitic infection caused by eating raw pork.  A quiet
death for a violent life.



Grandmother

                Loving mother and grandmother, she lived alone in the
woods. Grandmother was often found baking cookies for her family’s visits.
A gentle woman, she was the victim of a brutal killing by the Woodcutter.
She was split open with his axe while talking with her granddaughter, Red.

                “It was horrible.” Red had told the police. “Grandmother
had been suffering from what appeared to be an allergic reaction. Her eyes,
ears and nose were swollen and she could not properly close her mouth,
causing it to look as if her teeth were very large. We were talking about
it when he just burst in and attacked her.”



E. Green

                Cut down in her youth, Ever Green had barely laid down her
roots. She loved birds and woodland creatures and enjoyed decorating for
the holidays. She is survived by her boyfriend, Pinocchio, who is pining
for her now, though his father says “All is not lost.”



Crime Log

                APB: Be on the lookout for W. Cutter. He is suspected in
two murders. Armed and dangerous. Believed to be suffering from a mental
breakdown. Was last seen at Grandmother’s house in the woods and was heard
saying it was a mistake. “I thought she was B. B. Wolf.” he had yelled as
he ran from the scene.



 President, National Federation of the Blind Northern Arizona
President, National Federation of the Blind Writers' Division
Member, Slate & Style Editing Team
Editor, Tapestry, a TAWN publication
"You do not need to have vision to see the stars."