[stylist] short story

[Chris Kuell]

Hi Vejas,

I just finished reading your story, and my first comment is to say how much
I've enjoyed seeing your writing improve over the last couple of years. I
know you've been working on it, and it shows. Nice job.

You have already received some good comments on your piece. I also think you
did a good job portraying Carl--a guy most of us, unfortunately, know in
some way or another. One suggestion I have for you is to be more specific in
certain places. For example, you say that Carl wants to watch a sporting
event. This is totally vague and generic. If you said Carl wanted to watch
football, that's more real to the reader. And, if you said Carl wanted to
watch the Rams and the Packers, that's even better. Another place is where
you say rock concert. Again, that's vague. Make up a band, or use a real
band, but give us their name, which helps the scene become realistic. After
all, you don't want to  go see a music performance next Saturday--you want
to see Taylor Swift, or Fall Out Boys, or JZ, or the Electric Pins. And
later, you have Anna getting sad over a song. Here, in my opinion, is a
great place for you to show us more of her character. What was the line that
made her sad? And why did it make her sad? Maybe it was about a flower that
couldn't grow because of the big tree that took all the sunlight, and that
reminded her of herself and Carl. You're the writer, come up with something
that will make Anna more real, and make your reader feel even more for her.

Lastly, like others, I'm not thrilled with your ending. Well, let me revise
that--I'm not thrilled with the execution of your ending. You change tense
all of a sudden, which is jarring to the reader, and makes it seem like you
were tired of this story and blammo--here's your ending. Consider instead
something like having the doorbell ring, Anna answers it, and there's a
state trooper who tells her of the terrible accident her husband was in that
day. And as he talks, her internal dialogue races in her head--Carl... gone?
My love? My tormentor? My provider? My two-faced  asshole of a mate? Should
I cry? How much life insurance did he have? Should I go to Disneyland?!

These are just a few ideas I had. Thanks for sharing your story, and good
luck with it.

Chris