[stylist] short story

[Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter]

Vejas,

Like Chris, I've seen so much improvement in your writing. You are also
beginning to develop a more mature voice and a distinct way of writing.

Nothing to major, but watch your paragraph breaks. Some paras can be broke
into a new para.

Good description in opening para. Like Chris, I agree about specifics.
Stories rely on specifics. When you can be really specific, do it. Don't
just say sports, give us a specific sport. This also helps with character
development. Same with other places such as the name of the band and the
specific song lyrics. You can even make this stuff up, but give us
specifics.

This is just a suggestion, but in my writing workshops, the one comment
always given was to find places where we can do more showing versus telling.
Maybe it will work, maybe not, but it doesn't hurt. For example, when Carl
takes his shoes off, is there anyway to demonstrate that his feet are stinky
as opposed to just telling us? Again, not necessarily anything wrong, just a
writing exercise, and maybe you will find it works in various places.
Whenever you tell the reader something, see if you can instead show us. An
entire story needs a balance of showing vs. telling, but trying to find
places to show is a great exercise.

When Anna thinks Carl is being helpful about dinner, I don't see it this
way. Carl just seems like a macho jerk to me, especially in moments like
this. Does Anna really feel like he's being helpful, or is this just a way
of showing Anna's character as a super naïve, submissive wife?

I mean, Anna by this point would know the type of person Carl is, and would
she really think he was being helpful? Or would she see it for what it is, a
sarcastic, rude comment?

You can cut the line, "The conversations begin." It's not necessary. Just
begin the dialogue.

Another example of showing: We don't need the explanation of why Carl is
burping. We've already seen him grab a beer, and it would also be in
character for him to burp without saying excuse me. Also, here's a moment to
try just showing us how he will become mad if the girls or Anna correct him.
Demonstrate it in this scene or show a quick flashback to a time when he got
mad when they corrected his manners. 

Why para break? "We have a rock concert today, honey, remember?" Anna asks.

Why the break in paras between last par and this following one? They should
be part of same para. "You've been looking forward to it all the time."

"Of course I remember!" Carl says, insulted.  "One of my pals is in the
band.  Hey Anna, you really overdid the sauce.  It's disgusting!"

I know you want to drive home how disgusting Carl is, but sometimes it
starts feeling like your making a point instead of showing us a character.
This is a time when I feel this can be accomplished. Can Carl simply reply
he remembers the concert, or again, show us vs. tell us how rude he's being.
But you also want complexity in your characters. There's always exceptions,
but most people are complex. Even the worse people have their moments. Can
Carl have a little complexity, and if so, where can we see this? Where can
Carl have moments of complexity?

I find it interesting there's no reaction from Carl's daughter when he dumps
the sauce on her head. Even if it's just her sitting still and in fear, but
I'm curious as to why you just jump into the next scene. Nothing wrong with
what you did, just curious about the choice.

Watch tense switches. You use turned at end instead of turns. "Hi," Stanley
says to the family.  Then he turned to Malena.  

Would they really not have cleaned Molina up? Some people would have doen
this, sure, but since Carl is trying to put on an act like he's father of
the year, you would think he would clean his daughter up before taking her
out in public. Just something to consider.

We don't need authorial interjection about Carl over-doing it; we can see it
ourselves. "Of course! And I must not forget my 2 BEAUTIFUL daughters!" Carl
is really overdoing it.  "Would you 2 lovely ladies desire rootbeer as
well?"

What does it mean, "They do," in short para following last? Another
unnecessary bit of info.

You say Anna becomes emotional for personal reasons, but emotions are
personal, not sure we need to be told that, so maybe re-work that sentence.
Also, another perfect moment to simply show us instead of showing us. Try
creating a scene here.

Would Anna really have a rival blog with her husband?

Anna can blog but has no idea how to use a computer? I don't know how
believable this is. Typically, to create and write a blog, you need some
level of computer proficiency.

If Carl is such a jerk on his blog, then other people outside his family
would realize how horrible he is. Would he really have many friends, and
would people buy his act in public?

In your exposition, can we have a scene rather than a reported one? This is
a good place to expand the story, and more opportunity for character
development.

I don't mind the point of view switch in the end, but it feels like you're
just trying to wrap up. I want to see these moments, see the emotions.
Another opportunity for scenes and character development.

Vejas, this is one of your better written stories. Truly, you've grown leaps
and bounds in your writing skills. Good job.

Work on scenic development along with characterization.

One last thought, if this attitude is new to Carl, and it's most likely due
to an injury, you have ample opportunity to show some complexity for Carl.
Maybe he feels guilty at times, maybe he realizes how bad he's being; this
doesn't mean he still can't behave this way, but maybe this is a way to show
Carl as a complex person.

You can also give Anna some complexity too. Especially if Carl hasn't always
been like this, maybe Anna can have moments of deviance or anger. Maybe she
can dish it out just like Carl at times. Regardless, Anna can be more
complex too.

Over-all, good start. And I like your choice of tense.

Bridgit
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Vejas
Vasiliauskas via stylist
Sent: Tuesday, January 06, 2015 7:17 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] short story

Hi,
We haven't written short stories in quite a while, so I decided I would post
one that I wrote for class last year.  I then expanded upon it a bit later
to improve on it.  I've attached it and, for these who can't read
attachments, will try to paste it in the bottom of the e-mail (if the whole
thing doesn't go through I'll send a part 2).
The assjgnment was to create a character and write about them.  
My title comes from the fact that millions of families look fine from the
outside but not from within.
The last thing I have to say is that I hope I created a good character even
though my family aren't like this.  However, I knew someone for many years
who is like this character, and the way he talks about his family gave me a
pretty accurate idea.
Any suggesttions welcome.
Vejas
A Typical Day for Millions
by Vejas Vasiliauskas
  Carl pounds on his front door, wanting to be let in.  If he wanted to, he
could pull out his key, but he doesn't feel like it.  It is 4:00 PM on a
cold September evening-colder still because he misplaced his coat, though
what he will probably say if asked is that one of his daughters took it.
Usually he doesn't get home until 6:00 but there is a sports game that he
desperately wants to watch.
His wife, Anna, comes running to open the door for him.  "Hi, Carl.  I
didn't know you were going to be home early."
He ignores her and runs into the TV room.  His daughter, Malena, is watching
cartoons, and another daughter, Dana, is playing with trucks.  Carl, who has
always felt that cartoons are stupid, snatches the remote from Malena
without even saying hi and switches the channel to the game, then yells,
"QUIET!" His daughters, frightened, run away and Carl smiles with glee.  He
plops down on the couch, flips off his shoes, and even goes so far as taking
his socks off, creating added stink in the room.  
He spreads his large body on the whole couch, to make sure nobody else can
sit there.  If his pals are there, he'd move for them to make room, but he
has that luxury of being by himself.
Anna comes over.  "You forgot your chips, Carl," she says, handing him 3
bags of jalapeno chips.  Carl just grunts in response and begins crunching
on the chips loudly.
Two hours later, the game is over, and it's time for dinner.
"You made me spaghetti, didn't you?" Carl asks.  "Because you better have."
"Of course I did, sweetie," says Anna.
"And did you use parmesan and mozzarella cheese like I said?" 
asks Carl.
"Of course.  What else would I use?"
"Well, you could use cheddar, if you wanted.  That would be interesting."
Anna is surprised at how helpful her husband is being.  That's rare these
days.  "Really, Carl? That sounds amazing!"
Carl repeats it louder.  "You could use cheddar if you wanted to." Then he
adds, "But then, I'd have to kick you out of the house!"
Anna stiffens, and Carl smiles.
Carl lumbers up to get a cold beer from the refrigerator.  He comes back to
the table and begins eating.
The conversations begin.
"Mommy, I'd like to be a goblin for Halloween," Malena says.
"Really? That would be wonderful."
"Can you get me a costume?"
Before Anna can respond, Carl, probably influenced by the bubbles in his
beer, lets out a long, loud burp.  He doesn't excuse himself; he only does
that out in public.  And if any of the females said "Excuse you", then Carl
would definetly have made sure that their head would be added to the next
batch of spaghetti.
"We have a rock concert today, honey, remember?" Anna asks.  
"You've been looking forward to it all the time."
"Of course I remember!" Carl says, insulted.  "One of my pals is in the
band.  Hey Anna, you really overdid the sauce.  It's disgusting!"
"It's really not that bad," Malena says.
Oops.
"I said, it's DISGUSTING!" repeats Carl.  "But since you like it, I'll..."
He interrupts himself, then pours all of his sauce on his daughter's head.
When Carl and his family arrive at the concert, they decide to join a mutual
friend, Stanley, who is also there.  Stanley, who has known Carl for a
while, shares his love for music, but has always been stone-cold sober.
"Hi," Stanley says to the family.  Then he turned to Malena.  
"What happened with the spaghetti?"
Before Malena can respond, Carl answers for her.  "Oh, it was nothing.  She
spilled it on herself by accident, and you know, there was no time for her
to shower, so she's just like that." He turns to Anna.  "Can I get you
anything to drink, honey?"
Anna knows this isn't sincere.  But she loves it anyway.  "Could you get me
a root-beer?"
"Of course! And I must not forget my 2 BEAUTIFUL daughters!" Carl is really
overdoing it.  "Would you 2 lovely ladies desire rootbeer as well?"
They do.
During the concert, Anna becomes emotional about the lyrics of one of the
songs, for personal reasons.  She tries not to, but she eventually does,
cry.
"What's wrong, honey?" Carl asks, putting his arm around her.
This isn't the Carl Anna knows from home.  At home, he would have called her
a "sissy", and much more.
Carl gets his wife a tissue, which she uses, then clumsily drops on the
ground.  He even goes so far as to pick it up for her.  At home, if Carl
dropped his own tissue he'd probably step on it, smashing it into little
bits for Anna to pick up.
When Anna and Carl get home, they update their blogs.  They actually have
rival blogs.  Anna's is called "Housemaid Married to a Pig." There, she
pours out all of her woes.  She states everything Carl did that day, and how
unfair life is.  She used to have supportive friends who read the blog whom
she would e-mail, but they all got tired of the fact that Anna always
complained and never followed their advice or did anything to better her
life.  Anna also can't spell (or won't spell-check), which gives Carl more
ammunition.
There are usually four or five comments on Anna's blog during each entry.
Since she has lost friends, most of them are usually from sympathetic Google
searchers that don't know her very well.  
There is also always one comment from Carl himself, criticizing her even
more.  Anna, whose only ability on the computer is to write the blog and
read e-mails, has never seen these comments.
What Anna doesn't know is that Carl has a blog too.  It's called "Pig
Democrat." He always waits for Anna to finish so he can comment on her blog,
and then he updates his blog.  He always makes sure to spell-check because
he wants to make himself seem intelligent.  Carl will not only write about
how bad Anna is, but he will also write about casual things, such as the
weather, and get into political debates.  He is basically open to any
political debate with a friend.  He allows any friend to disagree with him
on his blog, though he always has a comeback for it and always tries to make
that comeback twice as long.
Anna thinks to herself that it didn't used to be this way.  Carl used to be
a lot nicer, and sometimes he still is.  He has often apologized after
making comments, but he has never been willing to change, always making
excuses for himself and siting depression for his anger.  She thinks part of
this behavior, which started last year, has to do with the fact that his
back is constantly giving out-and then she thinks sympathetically of what
the poor man must go through every day.
This is just a typical day for the poor family.  Little will Anna know that
tomorrow, her life will be thrown upside-down again; Carl will be killed and
smashed flat like a pancake after crashing his car, and she will become sad,
not able to think for herself.  She will then feel a sense of longing for
the life before.  She will miss her provider.