[stylist] short story

[Vejas Vasiliauskas]

Hi Bridgit,
Thank you so much for your comments.  I'll definitely take them 
into consideration.  They've given me a lot to think about.
In answer to some of your questions:
I will be more descriptive (type of sport, type of band, etc).
About Anna's comment to Carl about him being helpful: I meant her 
to be very submissive and naive as you said.  But you're right 
that characters are not one-dimensional.  When I wrote of them I 
thought of a rather traditional modern family, similar to that of 
the 1950's.  Man works, feels chores are "woman's work" and 
besides that does whatever he wants.  Woman stays home, cooks, 
cleans.  So I thought of Carl as loud, rude, controlling, and 
obnoxious, and Anna as friendly, always someone who obeys and, I 
andppose, unintelligent.  I may have stereotyped them too much.
I'm a bit confused by something you wrote:
 "I know you want to drive home how disgusting Carl is, but 
sometimes it
starts feeling like your making a point instead of showing us a 
character."
What do you mean by "making a point?" Should I not
put the scene about the pasta sauce at all?
I'd never thought about the fact that Carl would want to make 
sure his daughter is cleaned up first.  Now that I think about it 
he'd do it thoroughly.
My sentence "They do." is, you're right, unnecessary.  By that I 
meant that when Carl asked his girls if they want root beer, they 
agree to it.
Finally, your statement about the blogs gave me something to 
think about too.  Yes, Anna would need to be more familiar with 
more than just the comanduter.  I was thinking that some people 
like Carl have some friends, these just like him (they're out 
there), these that feel sorry for him and these who think he's 
really nice (but you're right, if they read his blog they'd know 
what an A-hole he is).
I really do plan to work more on this and re-think some things.  
Thank you again.
Vejas
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter" <bkpollpeter at gmail.com
To: "'Vejas Vasiliauskas'" 
<alpineimagination at gmail.com>,"'Writers' Division Mailing List'" 
<stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Wed, 7 Jan 2015 11:28:51 -0600
Subject: RE: [stylist] short story

Vejas,

Like Chris, I've seen so much improvement in your writing.  You 
are also
beginning to develop a more mature voice and a distinct way of 
writing.

Nothing to major, but watch your paragraph breaks.  Some paras 
can be broke
into a new para.

Good description in opening para.  Like Chris, I agree about 
specifics.
Stories rely on specifics.  When you can be really specific, do 
it.  Don't
just say sports, give us a specific sport.  This also helps with 
character
development.  Same with other places such as the name of the band 
and the
specific song lyrics.  You can even make this stuff up, but give 
us
specifics.

This is just a suggestion, but in my writing workshops, the one 
comment
always given was to find places where we can do more showing 
versus telling.
Maybe it will work, maybe not, but it doesn't hurt.  For example, 
when Carl
takes his shoes off, is there anyway to demonstrate that his feet 
are stinky
as opposed to just telling us? Again, not necessarily anything 
wrong, just a
writing exercise, and maybe you will find it works in various 
places.
Whenever you tell the reader something, see if you can instead 
show us.  An
entire story needs a balance of showing vs.  telling, but trying 
to find
places to show is a great exercise.

When Anna thinks Carl is being helpful about dinner, I don't see 
it this
way.  Carl just seems like a macho jerk to me, especially in 
moments like
this.  Does Anna really feel like he's being helpful, or is this 
just a way
of showing Anna's character as a super naïve, submissive wife?

I mean, Anna by this point would know the type of person Carl is, 
and would
she really think he was being helpful? Or would she see it for 
what it is, a
sarcastic, rude comment?

You can cut the line, "The conversations begin." It's not 
necessary.  Just
begin the dialogue.

Another example of showing: We don't need the explanation of why 
Carl is
burping.  We've already seen him grab a beer, and it would also 
be in
character for him to burp without saying excuse me.  Also, here's 
a moment to
try just showing us how he will become mad if the girls or Anna 
correct him.
Demonstrate it in this scene or show a quick flashback to a time 
when he got
mad when they corrected his manners.

Why para break? "We have a rock concert today, honey, remember?" 
Anna asks.

Why the break in paras between last par and this following one? 
They should
be part of same para.  "You've been looking forward to it all the 
time."

"Of course I remember!" Carl says, insulted.  "One of my pals is 
in the
band.  Hey Anna, you really overdid the sauce.  It's disgusting!"

I know you want to drive home how disgusting Carl is, but 
sometimes it
starts feeling like your making a point instead of showing us a 
character.
This is a time when I feel this can be accomplished.  Can Carl 
simply reply
he remembers the concert, or again, show us vs.  tell us how rude 
he's being.
But you also want complexity in your characters.  There's always 
exceptions,
but most people are complex.  Even the worse people have their 
moments.  Can
Carl have a little complexity, and if so, where can we see this? 
Where can
Carl have moments of complexity?

I find it interesting there's no reaction from Carl's daughter 
when he dumps
the sauce on her head.  Even if it's just her sitting still and 
in fear, but
I'm curious as to why you just jump into the next scene.  Nothing 
wrong with
what you did, just curious about the choice.

Watch tense switches.  You use turned at end instead of turns.  
"Hi," Stanley
says to the family.  Then he turned to Malena.

Would they really not have cleaned Molina up? Some people would 
have doen
this, sure, but since Carl is trying to put on an act like he's 
father of
the year, you would think he would clean his daughter up before 
taking her
out in public.  Just something to consider.

We don't need authorial interjection about Carl over-doing it; we 
can see it
ourselves.  "Of course! And I must not forget my 2 BEAUTIFUL 
daughters!" Carl
is really overdoing it.  "Would you 2 lovely ladies desire 
rootbeer as
well?"

What does it mean, "They do," in short para following last? 
Another
unnecessary bit of info.

You say Anna becomes emotional for personal reasons, but emotions 
are
personal, not sure we need to be told that, so maybe re-work that 
sentence.
Also, another perfect moment to simply show us instead of showing 
us.  Try
creating a scene here.

Would Anna really have a rival blog with her husband?

Anna can blog but has no idea how to use a computer? I don't know 
how
believable this is.  Typically, to create and write a blog, you 
need some
level of computer proficiency.

If Carl is such a jerk on his blog, then other people outside his 
family
would realize how horrible he is.  Would he really have many 
friends, and
would people buy his act in public?

In your exposition, can we have a scene rather than a reported 
one? This is
a good place to expand the story, and more opportunity for 
character
development.

I don't mind the point of view switch in the end, but it feels 
like you're
just trying to wrap up.  I want to see these moments, see the 
emotions.
Another opportunity for scenes and character development.

Vejas, this is one of your better written stories.  Truly, you've 
grown leaps
and bounds in your writing skills.  Good job.

Work on scenic development along with characterization.

One last thought, if this attitude is new to Carl, and it's most 
likely due
to an injury, you have ample opportunity to show some complexity 
for Carl.
Maybe he feels guilty at times, maybe he realizes how bad he's 
being; this
doesn't mean he still can't behave this way, but maybe this is a 
way to show
Carl as a complex person.

You can also give Anna some complexity too.  Especially if Carl 
hasn't always
been like this, maybe Anna can have moments of deviance or anger.  
Maybe she
can dish it out just like Carl at times.  Regardless, Anna can be 
more
complex too.

Over-all, good start.  And I like your choice of tense.

Bridgit
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of 
Vejas
Vasiliauskas via stylist
Sent: Tuesday, January 06, 2015 7:17 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] short story

Hi,
We haven't written short stories in quite a while, so I decided I 
would post
one that I wrote for class last year.  I then expanded upon it a 
bit later
to improve on it.  I've attached it and, for these who can't read
attachments, will try to paste it in the bottom of the e-mail (if 
the whole
thing doesn't go through I'll send a part 2).
The assjgnment was to create a character and write about them.
My title comes from the fact that millions of families look fine 
from the
outside but not from within.
The last thing I have to say is that I hope I created a good 
character even
though my family aren't like this.  However, I knew someone for 
many years
who is like this character, and the way he talks about his family 
gave me a
pretty accurate idea.
Any suggesttions welcome.
Vejas
A Typical Day for Millions
by Vejas Vasiliauskas
  Carl pounds on his front door, wanting to be let in.  If he 
wanted to, he
could pull out his key, but he doesn't feel like it.  It is 4:00 
PM on a
cold September evening-colder still because he misplaced his 
coat, though
what he will probably say if asked is that one of his daughters 
took it.
Usually he doesn't get home until 6:00 but there is a sports game 
that he
desperately wants to watch.
His wife, Anna, comes running to open the door for him.  "Hi, 
Carl.  I
didn't know you were going to be home early."
He ignores her and runs into the TV room.  His daughter, Malena, 
is watching
cartoons, and another daughter, Dana, is playing with trucks.  
Carl, who has
always felt that cartoons are stupid, snatches the remote from 
Malena
without even saying hi and switches the channel to the game, then 
yells,
"QUIET!" His daughters, frightened, run away and Carl smiles with 
glee.  He
plops down on the couch, flips off his shoes, and even goes so 
far as taking
his socks off, creating added stink in the room.
He spreads his large body on the whole couch, to make sure nobody 
else can
sit there.  If his pals are there, he'd move for them to make 
room, but he
has that luxury of being by himself.
Anna comes over.  "You forgot your chips, Carl," she says, 
handing him 3
bags of jalapeno chips.  Carl just grunts in response and begins 
crunching
on the chips loudly.
Two hours later, the game is over, and it's time for dinner.
"You made me spaghetti, didn't you?" Carl asks.  "Because you 
better have."
"Of course I did, sweetie," says Anna.
"And did you use parmesan and mozzarella cheese like I said?"
asks Carl.
"Of course.  What else would I use?"
"Well, you could use cheddar, if you wanted.  That would be 
interesting."
Anna is surprised at how helpful her husband is being.  That's 
rare these
days.  "Really, Carl? That sounds amazing!"
Carl repeats it louder.  "You could use cheddar if you wanted 
to." Then he
adds, "But then, I'd have to kick you out of the house!"
Anna stiffens, and Carl smiles.
Carl lumbers up to get a cold beer from the refrigerator.  He 
comes back to
the table and begins eating.
The conversations begin.
"Mommy, I'd like to be a goblin for Halloween," Malena says.
"Really? That would be wonderful."
"Can you get me a costume?"
Before Anna can respond, Carl, probably influenced by the bubbles 
in his
beer, lets out a long, loud burp.  He doesn't excuse himself; he 
only does
that out in public.  And if any of the females said "Excuse you", 
then Carl
would definetly have made sure that their head would be added to 
the next
batch of spaghetti.
"We have a rock concert today, honey, remember?" Anna asks.
"You've been looking forward to it all the time."
"Of course I remember!" Carl says, insulted.  "One of my pals is 
in the
band.  Hey Anna, you really overdid the sauce.  It's disgusting!"
"It's really not that bad," Malena says.
Oops.
"I said, it's DISGUSTING!" repeats Carl.  "But since you like it, 
I'll..."
He interrupts himself, then pours all of his sauce on his 
daughter's head.
When Carl and his family arrive at the concert, they decide to 
join a mutual
friend, Stanley, who is also there.  Stanley, who has known Carl 
for a
while, shares his love for music, but has always been stone-cold 
sober.
"Hi," Stanley says to the family.  Then he turned to Malena.
"What happened with the spaghetti?"
Before Malena can respond, Carl answers for her.  "Oh, it was 
nothing.  She
spilled it on herself by accident, and you know, there was no 
time for her
to shower, so she's just like that." He turns to Anna.  "Can I 
get you
anything to drink, honey?"
Anna knows this isn't sincere.  But she loves it anyway.  "Could 
you get me
a root-beer?"
"Of course! And I must not forget my 2 BEAUTIFUL daughters!" Carl 
is really
overdoing it.  "Would you 2 lovely ladies desire rootbeer as 
well?"
They do.
During the concert, Anna becomes emotional about the lyrics of 
one of the
songs, for personal reasons.  She tries not to, but she 
eventually does,
cry.
"What's wrong, honey?" Carl asks, putting his arm around her.
This isn't the Carl Anna knows from home.  At home, he would have 
called her
a "sissy", and much more.
Carl gets his wife a tissue, which she uses, then clumsily drops 
on the
ground.  He even goes so far as to pick it up for her.  At home, 
if Carl
dropped his own tissue he'd probably step on it, smashing it into 
little
bits for Anna to pick up.
When Anna and Carl get home, they update their blogs.  They 
actually have
rival blogs.  Anna's is called "Housemaid Married to a Pig." 
There, she
pours out all of her woes.  She states everything Carl did that 
day, and how
unfair life is.  She used to have supportive friends who read the 
blog whom
she would e-mail, but they all got tired of the fact that Anna 
always
complained and never followed their advice or did anything to 
better her
life.  Anna also can't spell (or won't spell-check), which gives 
Carl more
ammunition.
There are usually four or five comments on Anna's blog during 
each entry.
Since she has lost friends, most of them are usually from 
sympathetic Google
searchers that don't know her very well.
There is also always one comment from Carl himself, criticizing 
her even
more.  Anna, whose only ability on the computer is to write the 
blog and
read e-mails, has never seen these comments.
What Anna doesn't know is that Carl has a blog too.  It's called 
"Pig
Democrat." He always waits for Anna to finish so he can comment 
on her blog,
and then he updates his blog.  He always makes sure to 
spell-check because
he wants to make himself seem intelligent.  Carl will not only 
write about
how bad Anna is, but he will also write about casual things, such 
as the
weather, and get into political debates.  He is basically open to 
any
political debate with a friend.  He allows any friend to disagree 
with him
on his blog, though he always has a comeback for it and always 
tries to make
that comeback twice as long.
Anna thinks to herself that it didn't used to be this way.  Carl 
used to be
a lot nicer, and sometimes he still is.  He has often apologized 
after
making comments, but he has never been willing to change, always 
making
excuses for himself and siting depression for his anger.  She 
thinks part of
this behavior, which started last year, has to do with the fact 
that his
back is constantly giving out-and then she thinks sympathetically 
of what
the poor man must go through every day.
This is just a typical day for the poor family.  Little will Anna 
know that
tomorrow, her life will be thrown upside-down again; Carl will be 
killed and
smashed flat like a pancake after crashing his car, and she will 
become sad,
not able to think for herself.  She will then feel a sense of 
longing for
the life before.  She will miss her provider.