[stylist] Poem - "The Relevance of Thunder" - Final Draft (Maybe)

[William L Houts]

On 7/9/2015 11:18 AM, Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter via stylist wrote:
> >Bill,
> >
> >Here are some thoughts after reading this a couple of times.
>
> >Hearing hells of thunder, like
> >Bridgit: I assume this is a play on words? Instead of bells, you use hells?

I was thinking about sound here a bit more than I was thinking about 
sense;  I like the alliteration of "hearing hells".  Besides, "hells of 
thunder", I think, is at least a little bit scary, whereas "bells of 
thunder" is just silly.
> >our yellow sun's protest:kicking feet, gagged
> >Bridgit: Another play on words with sun? Not entirely sure about connection
> >of sun's protest and kicking feet gagged, unless specific to painting, which
> >I'm not as familiar with

It is related to the painting a little bit, though I think it may 
require a little leap, like much of this poem.  Probably the best way to 
explain it is to say that in this line, the speaker imagines the sun as 
a kind of god being abducted by the personified thunder, though it's 
suggested by the image of the sun being bound and gagged rather than 
stated explicitly.
> >with planets, and bound with the darkest dark matter,
>
> >kidnapped and shipped off for feeding
>
> >to that blackest of maws,the murderous drain star,
> Bridgit: what, or whom, is the star?

> The "drain-star" here is the supermassive black hole at the Milky Way's core, which is a matter of scientific fact.  I imagine it as a kind of raging, devouring mouth, which is, I hope, a bit of poetic trasnformation.

> >the galaxy's axis and ultimate end:

> >Bridgit: Just curious about punctuation choices, notice you often use
> colons, why over commas or periods? Nothing wrong, just curious

> That's a great question, Brigit.  I'm currently working out my use of colons, semicolons and commas.  I'll get back to you when I've got a definitive answer, heh.

> >the massive mad throatat star spiral's core.
> >Bridgit: great imagery here
>
> >The notion brings ice to our short-designed spines,
> B>ridgit: Like above line, great imagery and can feel that chill up the spine
>
> >and yet there's a thrill of myth in it:
> >Bridgit: Again, like above line
>
> >the grief in Goya's grim father,
> >Bridgit: Interesting depiction in above line, read this line quite a few
> >times, like
>
> >the Tartarus shock in his eyes: misaligned, mad
> >Bridgit: Tartarus is a place, I believe, a place in Hades or something, so
> >not quite sure what tartarus shock means

You're right about Tartarus, Brigit:  it's the deepest level of Hades.  
"Tartarus shock", I'm thinking is the spiritual state you're in when the 
worst thing imaginable is happening to you.

>Also, thought misaligned was spelled correctly, but JAWS cannot pronounce it
>correctly, so double checked spelling, and, for some reason, JAWS just >can't
>say it right, so if anyone else gets tripped up on this, it's spelled
>correct, JAWS is just stupid, LOL!

>as he his own offspring consumes; reversing their birth,
>Bridgit: As he his own offspring is a bit clunky and doesn't really make
>sense, not to mention is not grammatically correct, otherwise, I like this
>description


Brigit, I'm glad you like this description; it means I haven't failed 
you entirely.  But I differ with you about the grammar.  It's somewhat 
archaic syntax, but I don't think it's actually wrong.
> >O nature obscened in this wrath backwards dined.
>
> >Devour, devour:mouth who preys, mouth which takes in,
>
> >unconscious,thoselamps of space, a solar feast,
> >Bridgit: Googled thoselamps, and at least for me, no definition came up,
> >what does it mean?

In my draft of the poem, it's "those lamps", not "thoselamps", so those 
pesky netfleas have infested my work once again.
> >And so we greet the thunder's toll
>
> >one part of shudder, one of glee combined:
> >Bridgit: again, like the subtle indications that we both love and hate this
> >kind of thing, myth and truth, violence, etc.
>
> >cosmic hole and horror's throne dismissed,
>
> >our hostage sun released.
>
> >Bridgit: As usual, I like how you work to create description and meaning
> >through imagery and metaphor, however, sometimes the word choice doesn't
> >always make sense for me, or I don't connect the metaphors. Playing with
> >diction and phrasing is great and I encourage it, but always have an eye out
> >for tighter control of imagery and metaphor and just use of diction in
> >general, and make sure it's grammatically correct too. Sometimes I think
> >you're stretching to far for this and it doesn't get hit out of the ball
> park, to use a lame metaphor, LOL! Otherwise, I always enjoy reading your
> >poetry, keep it up.
>
> >Bridgit

Thanks so much for your incisive reading of this poem.  As always, you 
give a clear, sane accounting for your reading of my poems, which I 
always consider and appreciate even where I don't agree. You're a 
scholar and a poet, and I always love to read your critiques.


--Bill




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-- 


"Oh, Sophie!  Whyfore have you eated all de cheeldren?"