[stylist] Poem - "The Relevance of Thunder" - Final Draft (Maybe)

Fri Jul 10 16:53:10 UTC 2015

For Bridgit and Bill, 
What a magnificent critique filled with detail and understanding. You are
fortunate, Bill, to have one of our writers take the time to do what she
did, and so clearly share her response to your writing.
I will save my comments for your poem on coffee. I did run the spell check
on this reply, and while you get a pass on your invented words, the common
error remains, the space between words.
I agree, keep writing.
Jackie Lee

Time is the school in which we learn.
Time is the fire in which we burn.
Delmore Schwartz	 

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit
Kuenning-Pollpeter via stylist
Sent: Thursday, July 09, 2015 11:18 AM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
Cc: Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Subject: Re: [stylist] Poem - "The Relevance of Thunder" - Final Draft
(Maybe)

Bill,

Here are some thoughts after reading this a couple of times.

Hearing hells of thunder, like
Bridgit: I assume this is a play on words? Instead of bells, you use hells?

our yellow sun's protest: kicking feet, gagged
Bridgit: Another play on words with sun? Not entirely sure about connection
of sun's protest and kicking feet gagged, unless specific to painting, which
I'm not as familiar with

with planets, and bound with the darkest dark matter,

kidnapped and shipped off for feeding

to that blackest of maws, the murderous drain star,
Bridgit: what, or whom, is the star?

the galaxy's axis and ultimate end:
Bridgit: Just curious about punctuation choices, notice you often use
colons, why over commas or periods? Nothing wrong, just curious

the massive mad throated star spiral's core.
Bridgit: great imagery here

The notion brings ice to our short-designed spines,
Bridgit: Like above line, great imagery and can feel that chill up the spine

and yet there's a thrill of myth in it:
Bridgit: Again, like above line

the grief in Goya's grim father,
Bridgit: Interesting depiction in above line, read this line quite a few
times, like

the Tartarus shock in his eyes: misaligned, mad
Bridgit: Tartarus is a place, I believe, a place in Hades or something, so
not quite sure what tartarus shock means
Also, thought misaligned was spelled correctly, but JAWS cannot pronounce it
correctly, so double checked spelling, and, for some reason, JAWS just can't
say it right, so if anyone else gets tripped up on this, it's spelled
correct, JAWS is just stupid, LOL!

as he his own offspring consumes; reversing their birth,
Bridgit: As he his own offspring is a bit clunky and doesn't really make
sense, not to mention is not grammatically correct, otherwise, I like this
description

O nature obscened in this wrath backwards dined.

Devour, devour:mouth who preys, mouth which takes in,

unconscious,thoselamps of space, a solar feast,
Bridgit: Googled thoselamps, and at least for me, no definition came up,
what does it mean?

And so we greet the thunder's toll

one part of shudder, one of glee combined:
Bridgit: again, like the subtle indications that we both love and hate this
kind of thing, myth and truth, violence, etc.

cosmic hole and horror's throne dismissed,

our hostage sun released.

Bridgit: As usual, I like how you work to create description and meaning
through imagery and metaphor, however, sometimes the word choice doesn't
always make sense for me, or I don't connect the metaphors. Playing with
diction and phrasing is great and I encourage it, but always have an eye out
for tighter control of imagery and metaphor and just use of diction in
general, and make sure it's grammatically correct too. Sometimes I think
you're stretching to far for this and it doesn't get hit out of the ball
park, to use a lame metaphor, LOL! Otherwise, I always enjoy reading your
poetry, keep it up.

Bridgit

-- 

"Oh, Sophie!  Whyfore have you eated all de cheeldren?"

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/bkpollpeter%40gmail.com

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of William L
Houts via stylist
Sent: Thursday, July 09, 2015 12:15 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Cc: William L Houts
Subject: [stylist] Poem - "The Relevance of Thunder" - Final Draft (Maybe)

Hello, Friends,

Here's my most recent poem.  It's been through the car wash many times, and
for the moment is as spanking new clean as it can be. Finally, its rhymes
work the way they should and I think it makes sense, at last, at
last:  I think so, anyway.  For the present, ha.

As for the painting to which I refer in the poem:  it's Francisco Goya's
painting, "saturn Devouring His Children".  In the painting, the Roman god
Saturn is shown with the torso of one of his children, a god, depending from
his mouth.  The expression of horror and misery in Saturn's eyes is
nightmarish, unforgettable.

--Bill

---

*The Relevance of Thunder

*

**

Hearing hells of thunder, like

our yellow sun's protest:kicking feet, gagged

with planets, and bound with the darkest dark matter,

kidnapped and shipped off for feeding

to that blackest of maws,the murderous drain star,

the galaxy's axis and ultimate end:

the massive mad throatat star spiral's core.

The notion brings ice to our short-designed spines,

and yet there's a thrill of myth in it:

the grief in Goya's grim father,

the Tartarus shock in his eyes: misaligned, mad

as he his own offspring consumes; reversing their birth,

O nature obscened in this wrath backwards dined.

Devour, devour:mouth who preys, mouth which takes in,

unconscious,thoselamps of space, a solar feast,

And so we greet the thunder's toll

one part of shudder, one of glee combined:

cosmic hole and horror's throne dismissed,

our hostage sun released.

-- 

"Oh, Sophie!  Whyfore have you eated all de cheeldren?"

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/bkpollpeter%40gmail.com

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/jackieleepoet%40cox.net