[stylist] A Strange Little Poem

Thu Mar 5 22:51:02 UTC 2015

Ishamael,
Welcome.  As you are an occasional poet, and have risked sharing this poem
with us, you need  a response both to inspire you to continue, and to know
some things you might work on.
This will be a very simplified critique.
First, I agree with Semi that you have thrown yourself into this with
creativity and courage, not knowing the list members very well.
I wonder exactly what form was assigned to you in your poetry class. What is
given a name? Yes, you have rhymed words, but not consistently in a pattern.

The line lengths vary from 5-10 syllables, but most are 67-9. I mention this
only because, if a form poem was assigned, chances it was metered in some
way.
Your content indeed expresses the emotions you expressed in your back story.
Interesting.
The one thing you might want to research a bit is "inversions." These were
used almost consistently in poets in our past, including the most famous
ones, like Shakespeare. But it went out of style almost completely over
fifty or sixty years ago.  An example would be:  "A harsh taskmaster Laban
is" and it is the first of many in the poem. It was used primarily to force
a good rhyme. Using 
"Laban is a harsh taskmaster," instead, it is not an inversion. You would
have to rhyme with "master." I actually occasionally let an inversion slip
through, but knowingly, that it might be less noticeable because it is still
used in some instances. But you have quite a few in your poem, and just
learning to identify them might be valuable to your future writing.
Speaking three languages can be a tremendous advantage in some instances,
but if you intend to write primarily for a poet's market here and now, you
will most likely have to get used to something different than the old
masters.
Might you be cognizant of the Ghazal? I think it is one of the most
beautiful and challenging forms of all time.
Jackie Lee

Time is the school in which we learn.
Time is the fire in which we burn.
Delmore Schwartz	 

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Ishamael
Moridin via stylist
Sent: Thursday, February 19, 2015 1:21 AM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] A Strange Little Poem

Thank you guys, appreciate all the welcomes. I did want to share a small 
bit of poetry with you that has a strange back story in my eyes. For a 
while it was an effort to write it out and somewhat embarrassing to try 
and publish it anywhere, or even read it in our local poetry group. 
Although the right kind of rhyme and the philosophical concept came to 
me at once, the application of choice was less desirable.  Having 
English as my third language, I am normally very happy whenever I come 
up with any bit of poetry and proudly stand behind my work. This case 
was a little different though.

For some odd reason unknown to me, the Muse forced a very inconvenient 
form to express itself. Even though I am not religiously minded, all the 
verses had to use Biblical parallels. I don't mind that kind of poetry 
used by others of course, but I did not like that kind of strange 
inspiration coming out of...me. It seemed to have challenged the 
standards I expected of myself. Fortunately by then I already knew that 
for me resisting various sources of inspiration could have unexpected 
results in other areas where I express myself creatively. My philosophy 
is this: block one venue of creativity and others may be blocked too, 
embrace the flow of creativity and it accompanies you everywhere.

So not wishing to deny the Muse, I finally chose this forum with 
encouraging members to write it down. Not that I ever had any doubt that 
it was all about me coming to terms with an uncomfortable self 
expression, but it still is somehow easier to do it here where I didn't 
have the courage previously. And now, without further ado, here goes the 
piece in question.

The Taskmaster

A harsh taskmaster Laban is
He never agrees to my pleas,
"By our contract you will abide,
 From responsibility you will not hide"
If I had but a restful day,
I would continue toiling away,

But of the sheep I grow weary,
With every moment sad and dreary,
It's not the bargain I regret,
Over the fairness do I fret,

The man expects of me too much,
And I will not allow such,
No longer will I work,
Nor can we amiably talk,
Frankly, Laban is a jerk.

With my plan Rachel should agree,
Even Leah's objections I don't foresee,
I will prevail, he will see,
A shame that Laban is the same as me.

 From the inside to enslave me he seeks,
Of arrogance and false beliefs he reeks,
What should be done,
How to do it well,
With need to control he may swell.

I recognize that wretched part,
That stings as painfully as a dart,
And chains of slavery reject,
 From myself Myself protect.

On 2/18/2015 7:42 AM, Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter wrote:
> Ishamael
>
> Hello and welcome. A jack of all trades, I see, smile. I think many of us
> are like that. Look  forward to seeing more of you on Stylist.
>
> Bridgit
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Ishamael
> Moridin via stylist
> Sent: Tuesday, February 17, 2015 9:08 PM
> To: stylist at nfbnet.org
> Subject: [stylist] Another New Member Saying Hello
>
> Hi Folks,
>
> This is Ishamael, Sem's husband, finally saying hello. Meant to introduce
> myself a while ago, but immersed in the fascinating chess tournament with
> the Blind Federation, I somehow kept forgetting:) I write non fiction,
from
> mythological and philosophical articles to food and movie reviews but
> various fictional settings in horror and fantasy are also dear to my
heart.
> Occasionally certain themes seem to inspire me towards free form poetry as
> well. Anyway, just wanted to say 'hi.'
>
> Ishamael
>
>
>
> _______________________________________________
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