[stylist] I shall not walk by sight feedback

[Jacobson, Shawn D]

Bridgit

Thanks for the extensive comments; I'm gratified you took time to read through this.

I had wanted to get through draft 3 before now (but doing the internal audit for NFB of MD got in the way (such is life).

I was not sure how far to go with the sexual aspects.  Will take what you say under consideration.

Once again thanks.

Shawn

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter via stylist
Sent: Thursday, October 15, 2015 5:10 PM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
Cc: Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Subject: Re: [stylist] I shall not walk by sight feedback

Shawn,

Not sure if this a transfer error, but your name and title are misspelled.

When we are given reported scenes of their past friendship, this would be a great place for some actual scenes, flashbacks. Maybe even just one, but it will give us a clearer look into their past, and be less telling and more showing.

I assume this quote is a mistake? "There" was an old place, a line of row houses being allowed to return to nature.  The block it occupied was forgotten; one of those places between areas of urban renovation, put apart from all such endeavors, an unplanned place.

First, starting at indeed, you need a separate paragraph, and then again at Polly saying you'll share a room.
"You remember Joe" Polly said to me "you had some common interest."  Indeed we had.  Joe worked for NASA analyzing pictures of other planets.  His job fit into our shared interest in science fiction and general high weirdness.
We were two space heads trapped in a world of people who would not lift their eyes from the ground.  "You'll share a room with Joe" Polly told me.

And why is the narrator going to live in this place? It sort of comes out of left-field. Maybe a little more reasoning as to why he is told he will live somewhere and does so with no hesitation. Is he homeless?

A lot of the language is a bit stilted and proper sounding, a little archaic. Then in other areas, it's a little more common sounding, like how I imagine a person living on the streets would speak. It's a bit of a juxtaposition, which can totally work, except it's the same character switching how he speaks. It doesn't completely make sense that he would speak one way at times, then another at other times.

It's not entirely clear that Joe and the narrator are speaking in the present after the narrator first remembers their past. I thought the current convo between them was still in the past until Joe says he will show him the ropes.

At one point you describe a guy who looks dodgey. You describe how he looks and what he's wearing. Later, when Polly and narrator encounter a couple of thugs, you say neither can describe them. Be consistent with this. Either have visual descriptions, or write completely from the blind perspective. If you switch POV, you could get away with it, but since in first person limited, it doesn't work.

Dialogue needs to be a separate para unless the following sentences attribute direct action to the speaker.

Is this a bit of a nod to Lovecraft?

I think you can push the sexual descriptions further. I'm not saying turn it into erotica, but give it some more depth. Get into the sensory descriptions more. How does it feel? What is its touch like? No pun intended, but probe more.

Watch for para breaks. There's several places where paras need to be broken into two or three paras.

Push the horror more. Make your readers repulsed and horrified with the narrator. Go full throttle.

Nice Halloween story, thanks for sharing.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jacobson, Shawn D via stylist
Sent: Thursday, October 15, 2015 11:21 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List (stylist at nfbnet.org) <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Jacobson, Shawn D <Shawn.D.Jacobson at hud.gov>
Subject: [stylist] I shall not walk by sight

Dear writers

Attached is a Halloween friendly science fiction piece I've been working on (finished the second draft over the weekend).  The story is about 4,000 words long.

WARNING-this may not be for the kiddies.  I've tried not to be explicit, but you'll be able to connect the dots.

This also deals with Christian religion (you have been warned).

If anyone has trouble with the attachment, please let me know and I will send in an alternate fashion.

Shawn


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