[stylist] I shall not walk by sight feedback

[Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter]

Shawn,

Not sure if this a transfer error, but your name and title are misspelled.

When we are given reported scenes of their past friendship, this would be a
great place for some actual scenes, flashbacks. Maybe even just one, but it
will give us a clearer look into their past, and be less telling and more
showing.

I assume this quote is a mistake? "There" was an old place, a line of row
houses being allowed to return to nature.  The block it occupied was
forgotten; one of those places between areas of urban renovation, put apart
from all such endeavors, an unplanned place.

First, starting at indeed, you need a separate paragraph, and then again at
Polly saying you'll share a room.
"You remember Joe" Polly said to me "you had some common interest."  Indeed
we had.  Joe worked for NASA analyzing pictures of other planets.  His job
fit into our shared interest in science fiction and general high weirdness.
We were two space heads trapped in a world of people who would not lift
their eyes from the ground.  "You'll share a room with Joe" Polly told me.

And why is the narrator going to live in this place? It sort of comes out of
left-field. Maybe a little more reasoning as to why he is told he will live
somewhere and does so with no hesitation. Is he homeless?

A lot of the language is a bit stilted and proper sounding, a little
archaic. Then in other areas, it's a little more common sounding, like how I
imagine a person living on the streets would speak. It's a bit of a
juxtaposition, which can totally work, except it's the same character
switching how he speaks. It doesn't completely make sense that he would
speak one way at times, then another at other times.

It's not entirely clear that Joe and the narrator are speaking in the
present after the narrator first remembers their past. I thought the current
convo between them was still in the past until Joe says he will show him the
ropes.

At one point you describe a guy who looks dodgey. You describe how he looks
and what he's wearing. Later, when Polly and narrator encounter a couple of
thugs, you say neither can describe them. Be consistent with this. Either
have visual descriptions, or write completely from the blind perspective. If
you switch POV, you could get away with it, but since in first person
limited, it doesn't work.

Dialogue needs to be a separate para unless the following sentences
attribute direct action to the speaker.

Is this a bit of a nod to Lovecraft?

I think you can push the sexual descriptions further. I'm not saying turn it
into erotica, but give it some more depth. Get into the sensory descriptions
more. How does it feel? What is its touch like? No pun intended, but probe
more.

Watch for para breaks. There's several places where paras need to be broken
into two or three paras.

Push the horror more. Make your readers repulsed and horrified with the
narrator. Go full throttle.

Nice Halloween story, thanks for sharing.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jacobson,
Shawn D via stylist
Sent: Thursday, October 15, 2015 11:21 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List (stylist at nfbnet.org) <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Jacobson, Shawn D <Shawn.D.Jacobson at hud.gov>
Subject: [stylist] I shall not walk by sight

Dear writers

Attached is a Halloween friendly science fiction piece I've been working on
(finished the second draft over the weekend).  The story is about 4,000
words long.

WARNING-this may not be for the kiddies.  I've tried not to be explicit, but
you'll be able to connect the dots.

This also deals with Christian religion (you have been warned).

If anyone has trouble with the attachment, please let me know and I will
send in an alternate fashion.

Shawn