[stylist] I will not Walk by Sight (second version)

[Jacobson, Shawn D]

Chris

Thanks for looking at this (even though it is not a style of writing you are fond of.

I understand about being busy; this is why I haven't taken part in a lot of the stylelist conversations of late.  I did the first two edits of this story in a rush (then prepared for our internal audit for NFB of MD) then did another two edits.  Now, I will have to put down the pen until after state convention.  With luck, I can get to further edits at that time.

Shawn



-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris Kuell via stylist
Sent: Friday, October 30, 2015 11:47 AM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
Cc: Chris Kuell
Subject: Re: [stylist] I will not Walk by Sight (second version)

Hi Shawn,

Firstly, I apologize for not posting comments on this story the first time around. I was busy, and meant to, then a week went by, then two... and you know how it goes.

But, I'm more on the ball now, so here goes.

I'm generally not a fan of the dated style of writing you use in this story, but you are consistent, and I'm sure it will resonate with others. You have the basic elements of a story--conflict and resolution, so we can check that off. You do a good job with setting, and I think the pacing is good. I caught a few typos, which I'll detail below. Otherwise I think it reads well, although there are a few places where you could tighten it up a bit.
Good work.

I had remembered Polly from National Federation of the Blind meetings.  I remember her taking me arm one day and leading me to a chair; she had joked about leading me down the aisle, but I had been too clueless to read anything deeper into her humor.  
CK - me should be my, and this sentence has too many hads in it. While sometimes technically it seems you need them, often the reader knows from the context of the story it's in the past, so you don't. Also, be on the lookout for passive voice, and try to keep it active.
CK revised: I remembered Polly from National Federation of the Blind meetings.  She took my arm one day and led me to a chair, joking about leading me down the aisle, but I was too clueless to read anything deeper into her humor.  

...she continued as she swung her cane.
We continued leaving the business district and heading into Baltimore's heart of darkness, a place where only fools walked without trepidation.  
CK - this is a nit pick, but editors don't like you using the same word close together. Rework one of the continues, and then rework the next 2 sentences where you also use it. And heading should be headed

"IF you weren't blind," he said with exasperation "I would say that you were antisocial.  But you're blindness problems I just can't understand.  
CK - should be 'your', and I'd kill the 'but'

... that were as cheesy as a Wisconsin fond du.
CK - I really like that expression!

There are probably a lot more of these oceans within the darkness than there are Earlike planets." - earthlike?


The next day, one of our group read The Baltimore Sun on Newline, an audio service we have - newsline?

I ran for my room screaming and lay in bed that night shaken to the center of my soul for I realized that the horror that Polly fleshly joy in the lover of my dreams.
CK - this sentence is clunky and unclear

My calls for my companions echoed through the place bringing no reply.
After searching vainly for what seemed like pourers, I made a humble meal of cereal and milk and sat down to consider the coming day. - hours

So that when my dream companion returned to replace my solitary nightmares, I opened my arms without question.  I no longer cared what it looked like,
for appetences no longer mattered to me.   - appearances?






_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/shawn.d.jacobson%40hud.gov