[stylist] quads times two chapters one and two
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
bkpollpeter at gmail.com
Tue Sep 29 14:25:35 UTC 2015
Barbara,
Nice story. Just a few revising and editing concerns, but things you will likely catch in another editing process.
Watch for paragraph breaks. A few places could use para breaks.
Lots of passive voice.
Typically, the rule with dialogue is to limit the number of dialogue tags. And when just two people speaking, not necessary to tack on their name or gender with said or asked or whatever. We will know by the back and forth who is speaking.
Instead of dialogue tags, attribute an action. For example:
"I just didn't realize what I was doing." He rubbed his eyes and fell into the chair, a sigh breaking from his lips.
As opposed to:
"I just didn't realize what I was doing," he sighed wearily.
Watch that dialogue and narration don't over-lap, creating redundancies. If you mention it in narration, do not need to have it stated in dialogue, and vice versa.
Some places could be replaced with scenes instead of reported scenes or flat narration. Exposition works well as scenes.
Poets often make great fiction writers because they are true wordsmiths. They understand the power of diction and description and economizing language to create the best picture possible. This story already has plenty of sections like this. Continue to look where you can create stronger descriptions and images. Rely on those strong verbs and nouns to carry the story, eliminating adverbs and the passive voice.
An interesting story. Not entirely sure where it's going right now, but I'm intrigued. With the names you are using, my imagination is running wild with where this might lead, smile. Good start, can't wait to read more.
BTW, , did you or Vejas write this? LOL!
Bridgit
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Barbara Hammel via stylist
Sent: Monday, September 28, 2015 5:38 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Cc: Barbara Hammel <poetlori8 at msn.com>
Subject: [stylist] quads times two chapters one and two
Here is the beginning of a story I am going to try my hand at. All you story people have gotten me in the mood and I figured what the heck since the poetry isn’t flowing right now. Enjoy. I hope I got all the Braille contractions converted.
Barbara
CHAPTER ONE
After thinking for hours and hours as he drove across country, Orion Snow was feeling a bit nostalgic as he drew close to his childhood home. Yes, it hurt tremendously that his wife -- soon to be ex-wife -- had caved to the pressure from her family and sent him and their theree-month-old quadruplets packing.
Shiyan had been ashamed of and embarrassed by their sons since the first time she laid eyes on them and discovered they were blind. He had tried to reason with her that sometimes those things happen and they could learn what to teach the boys. He had told her that this was America and in America there was no reason why her sons could not become successful one day. But she insisted that she would never get past the embarrassment of them. Oh well. He had never been liked by her family any way. They had been very displeased when she arrived at the New Year celebration with a man who wasn't Chinese. At first, she had wanted to move away from their silliness but that had never happened. Her resolve to fight against them had broken when she learned that they were expecting not one, but four babies. And, well, when they had arrived and their eyes were small, that did it. Yes, she said, she still loved him but she couldn't stand being around people who looked like that. Everyone would always be staring at her when she was out with them, she said, and he should be understanding, knowing how shy she is.
Just as he was about to turn in the driveway of his parents' house -- his new home -- a woman crossed over it, pushing a big stroller. What he noticed most was her long, thick, glossy, red braid. And the stroller she was pushing looked amazing like the one he was hauling in the trailer behind his van.
By the time he'd parked the van and gotten out, he didn't see her but he heard babies crying besides his own. He ducked in, to get one out. He figured he could take one when he went up to unlock the place. When he raised his head he saw her bending over her stroller. He called, "Hi, neighbor."
She fluttered her hand at him but didn't look up from the task of unbuclking the last of her brood. He watched her straighten with a baby in each arm. If that doesn't beat all, he thought and rushed with his own wailing bundle to his house.
He was surprised when the door flew open and his twin sister was holding her arms out to him.
"Oriana!. He exclaimed. "I didn't think you were coming till at least tomorrow."
"The benefits of being an old maid who is currently unemployed," she smiled and reached for the baby.
"I am so glad to see you," he sighed and turned back to retrieve a couple more babies.
"Next you'd better retrieve diapers, bottles and formula," said Oriana, when he returned with the last baby in his carseat.
"Yeah," he sighed. "Carseats will have to do for beds right now until I've rested some and can begin unpacking the van and trailer."
He wearily shuffled to the van yet one more time and fumbled around for the necessary items then dragged himself back in to the house. He was so tired! He didn't know how he would have made it through feeding and changing and putting to sleep if his sister hadn't been there.
"Sit down and have some chili before you crash, Orion," coaxed his sister, after all four babies were sleeping soundly in their carseats.
"Just leave your keys on the table," she said, as she scurried around, getting him some food. "I'll start unpacking your things."
"Thanks for the food, Sis," he said, plunking his keys down as he rose to leave a few minutes later. "I've learned that they are not good travelers. They have cried a good chunk of the way. They should sleep for quite some time. Just wake me when you need help."
"I've got it handled, Orion," she said. "I've made the bed in your old room for now."
Orion trudged up the stairs and didn't even remove his clothes before flopping down on the double-bed with the hot-air balloon quilt.
When next he opened his eyes, the sun was streaming through the blinds he had not even bothered to close yesterday. Although the house was quiet, he still scrambled to get himself ready for the day.
"Did you have a good sleep?" asked Oriana upon her brother's entry. "The babies were up about an hour ago. I got your stuff unloaded during their naps yesterday. It's all in the living room and wherever else I could find space. I figured since you'll be the master of the place, you'd like the master bedroom from now on so maybe we could pull your furniture out and put the cribs in your room?"
"It would be easiest just to use Aurora's room for that since it is empty."
"Good point," she agreed.
"Did you get much sleep last night?" Orion asked, pouring himself a cup of tea.
"All kinds of it," she said. "Your boys are expert sleepers. I fed them before I went to bed and when I got up and only once during the night."
The toast popped up and he pulled out the slices and slathered butter and grape jelly on them. "I think dad's tools are out --"
"I found them and brought them in already," she interrupted. "They're on the bed in the master suite."
"One can tell we are twins," he said, biting into a slice of his toast. "We think way too much alike."
"And they'd discover just how much if they could see the way you walk straight to each item you want because I organized it all exactly like you would," Oriana said.
"For fraternal twins," added Orion, "it is uncanny how alike we are."
"Even to the exact shade of blonde hair and perfectly matched sets of blue eyes," said Oriana.
"I've not met a more alike set of boy_/girl fraternal twins before," said Orion.
"Like we know THAT many," laughed Oriana.
After the babies were fed and down the next time, the two of them worked feverishly to get the nursery put together.
"Two cribs will do for now," said Oriana, as they put the sheet on the matress of the second crib. "We can add the others when they get bigger."
"And who needs more than one changing table?" asked Orion, flopping the pad on said table that they had also assembled.
"One thing I will say for Shiyan," said Oriana, as they headed down the stairs for their last addition to the room, of what had come from Washington. "I love that she painted that dresser blue. It is SO CUTE!"
"I wasn't happy to have it take up so much space," admitted Orion, "but I'm glad, too, that we have it. Yes, it is adorable."
CHAPTER TWO
"The new neighbor has arrived," said Cerulean Wu, as she reentered the house with the last two of her quadruplets. She quickly went to the kitchen, retrieved their bottles and sat in her rocking chair in the living room beside her aunt, who was already feeding the other two.
"They are a nice family, Cerulean," said Aunt Ruby. "You will like them."
"How long have you known them?" asked Cerulean.
"I moved here just before the twins were born," replied Aunt Ruby.
"How many children did they have?"
"Four," said Aunt Ruby. "Kind of a strange assortment of names. They had Aurora and Leo and the twins are Orion and Oriana."
"No stranger than Mauve, Skye, Sage and Rose," laughed Cerulean. "No stranger than Cerulean, Sapphire, Azurine and Cyana."
"And," added Aunt Ruby, "no stranger than Ruby, Scarlett, Rusty, Burgundy, Emerald, Hunter, Kelly and Jade." She was thinking of all her siblings of whom Jade was Cerulean's mother.
Cerulean laughed again. "Some people say they have colorful characters in their families. We can say it and mean it."
The silence that fell on the room now was filled with the soft sucking sounds as the babies slowly drank their bottles.
As she gently rocked, the cool October breeze whispered through the window between the rockers. It was mid-afternoon and they enjoyed the quiet house and the distant sound of children playing coming through the window.
"Is Ji-Ming playing tonight?" asked Aunt Ruby.
"Yes," said Cerulean.
"What time is the game?" queried Aunt Ruby.
"It's in L.A. today so it starts at 9:05."
"Well, then," said Aunt Ruby, reaching for the remote, "let's see what westerns are on for a few hours."
Cerulean sat back in her chair after putting her two in their crib and let her mind wander as the television droned on.
A month ago all the details had been worked out for her and the girls to come and live with her aunt. She had tried for a month to make things work but he was determined there was no way he could do it. He had looked it up, doing extensive research, and saw there was a slight chance the girls could have other disabilities besides blindness and even the slightest risk was more of a chance than he could handle.
No, he told her, he'd do anything monitarily for her and the girls but it would be too much to ask if there is more than blindness involved. Yes, he understood that they were only three weeks early so preemie risks were removed but, no, he was terribly sorry, he couldn't add that pressure to his load.
She wanted to be angry with him. She wanted to hate him. But he was still one of her best friends in the whole world. She'd known him practically since she was a newborn and his sister was her most dearest friend.
He'd been her boyfriend since she could date at sixteen. She was the only girl who was patient enough to stand by while he followed his dream, which required many hours of practice and spoiled many nights when all their friends were on dates.
They'd married right after she finished high school and after his college stint they settled on his family's huge estate.
When the quads were born and he'd made his monumental decision, Cerulean decided that she could no longer stay around Nevada. Even her parents' home was too close. Not only was there this but before the quads they had also buried four other babies who had expired at various ages of development during the past few years. There was too much hurt. Thankfully, though Aunt Ruby hadn't seen Jade's family since the youngest, Cyana, was a baby -- the red children and green children never got along and there was some kind of tiff that never bothered to get mended -- offered to have Cerulean come to Iowa.
Now, she gently rocked as the cool breeze blew across her right arm, the sounds of gunfire and galloping horses ebbed and flowed from the ,,tv, the sun was standing at the top of the western sky and that old familiar worry was nagging at her that she got every game day. Ever since Little League days she'd worried every game that he might get hurt or make an error. She chided herself this day, reminding herself that she shouldn't care so much any more. He wasn't her husband, but in name, any more. But he's still my friend, she argued with herself. She sighed deeply.
"What's wrong, Cerulean?" asked Aunt Ruby, turning the volume of the ,,tv down.
"Just thinking," replied Cerulean.
"About Ji-Ming?"
"About Ji-Ming," she echoed.
"In some respects, marrying one of your best friends makes this so simple," observed Aunt Ruby, "and yet, on the flip side, it makes it one of the most difficult."
Tears started seeping out of Cerulean's eyes. "When you know someone so well that you totally understand the reason why they do what they do and yet you just wish you could hate them because it hurts so bad." She wept in earnest for a few minutes. "And if he were here he'd take me in his arms to console me like someone else had done the hurting because he knows me so well that he understands how much it hurts."
"You'll be hard-pressed to find another man like Ji-Ming Wu," sighed Aunt Ruby.
"Remember, Aunt Ruby," said Cerulean, "Ji-Ming and I have been friends for forever. I mean we've been GOOD friends. I firmly believe there are other men out there just as kind and loving as him."
"Well," said Aunt Ruby, getting up and gathering the baby bottles, "I never found one."
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.--Robert Frost _______________________________________________
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