[stylist] Novel excerpt

[Chris Kuell]

Hi Alyssa,

This reads well, and I like how you introduced a note of tension at the end of chapter 1. It reads okay as is, but always be aware that it is better to show than tell.

A  couple of other notes:

Olivia jumped when she heard brakes screech outside the only window in the shoe box-sized apartment she shared with Paige.- I think you could use a transitional word or two before this sentence. The reader was in the diner with her, then suddenly we're in her apartment.

Obviously, they should be selling CDs at the table, so perhaps Olivia should be thinking about how much money they will need before they can record and burn CDs to sell alongside the photos.

Again, nice job with the introduction of tension at the end of the chapter with the red-headed mystery woman. If Olivia really might be interested, you might use a few more words on how she sees her--shapely legs, a creamy neck, coppery red curls--words that convey she looks really good to Olivia.

Thanks for sharing.

Chris