[stylist] {Spam?} Re: Novel excerpt

[Chris Kuell]

Hey Alyssa,

This chapter reads well, and you do a nice job of building the attraction between Olivia and Nicki. I have written in a few nit picky comments for you to consider below. You might also want to abbreviate the list of show tunes when they are performing and just list a couple so the reader gets the idea. Again, just a suggestion.

"Have a good rest of your day." - this is a little clunky. Consider--Enjoy the rest of your day--which is smoother

This afternoon, Table Four was occupied by a little girl in a tutu and an older woman, maybe the girl's grandmother. Were ballerinas going to be everywhere? - I don't get the 'ballerinas everywhere' sentence. Why is it there? Where did it come from?

She was wearing some kind of lip gloss, which made her lips look soft and pink, and her arms and shoulders looked thin. - I don't understand this connection--her lip gloss makes her arms look thin? Consider  revising. Plus, to me, thin isn't an attractive word, if you are going for attractive. Maybe- her blouse accented her toned shoulders and arms...

Olivia took more ketsup to Table Three and cleaned Table Two before she went back to Nicki. - ketchup

In spite of how often Nicki showed up, and how weird it might be, Olivia still found herself thinking about and attracted to Nicki. - the end of this sentence is a little clunky, consider revising.Maybe something like - she found herself thinking warmly of Nikki's brilliant smile...

Nice work, and thanks again for sharing.

Chris