[stylist] Hindsight story with some revisions

Thu Jan 7 20:58:45 UTC 2016

Dialogue needs to be its own paragraph. Each time a different character
speaks, it needs to be its own para. And a lot of your paragraphs need to be
broken up into two or more paras.

You have a lot of telling and reported scenes, but flesh out where you can
create more scenes, more immediate action.

The dream sequence is a good way to describe how Kelley wants to be normal
and heroic, but keep in mind how non-linear and weird dreams are. Dreams
don't happen the way life happens in reality. They are spotty, images with
little rhyme and reason, often symbolic instead of realistic. Also, the
language used for the mom in the dream is stilted and not believable.
Whether in a dream or real life, but particularly in a dream, a person who
not speak like that, especially in that situation.

Do you mean to spell Kelley's name K E L L E Y? I've seen various ways of
spelling this name, but never with an E before the Y. Not a problem, just
checking though.

Why do you use exclamation marks when Kelley's mom wakes her up? She
wouldn't shout at her to wake up. Exclamation marks should be used sparingly
in creative writing, and only when something is truly an exclamatory
statement. I've gone back and noticed you use exclamation marks frequently,
especially with dialogue that's not an exclamatory statement. I really find
no places in this where an exclamation mark is necessary.

When something typically contained within quotes is in quotes, such as
dialogue, you use apostrophes around them instead of quotes, so in the
beginning when the teacher refers to, "today's reading of chapter one of
'Dare To Dream.'"  

You use dialogue tags a lot. If the dialogue indicates the speaker, a tag is
not necessary. Likewise, when two people are speaking, we do not need tags
indicating who is speaking because we know from the back and forth who each
dialogue is attributed too. If more than two speakers, then tags will need
to be used more regularly. But when, for example, the teacher speaks and
says something like class or get out your assignment, you do not need a tag.

It's also curious that you always place the tags at the beginning of
dialogue instead of the end, which is the usual way. Reason for this?

In the line, "Kelley decided on the pink pair, and her parents smiled with
aprovement." I think you mean approval, and it has two P's.

What does this sentence mean? "Their eyes locked still at each other." This
is also not grammatically correct.

The moment in the office with Dr. Gonzales is good. I like the image of
Kelley in the chair, uncomfortable, with " pressed her forehead and chin
against a metal white sphere opening with a chin mold."
Need a comma between metal and white, and I would switch these two words
around so it's white, metal.

Why the switch in tense in the following? Eyes blinking fast, Kelley
occasionally saw a bright red flashing dot, and quickly pressed a button
notifying the dot she saw.  A half an hour later, with heavy eyelids opening
and closing, they closed for a long time while she slept. Waiting in Dr.
Gonzales's sterall  )should be spelled sterol) white hospital office, {tense
switch{ her parent's eyes squint, sweaty forheads(should be spelled
foreheads)  wrinkle, lower eyelids droop, top teeth gritt(should be spelled
grit)  lower teeth, and hands rapidly shake.  
Otherwise, this is a good scene.

Why does Kelley sleep so much?

Still a lot of unnecessary description. The descriptions are well-done, but
a lot does nothing to drive the story along.

Where's Kelley's point of view? We see the parent's reaction but not
Kelley's. We see her go about school and the appointment, but we have no
response from her about what is happening.

Bridgit
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jennifer
Applegate via stylist
Sent: Thursday, January 07, 2016 2:01 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Cc: Jennifer Applegate <jlastar at comcast.net>
Subject: [stylist] Hindsight story with some revisions

Hello all,

Here is the first third of my Hindsight story with some revisions. Please
let me know your thoughts.

     In 1988, yellow warn leaves lined the black asphalt parking lot, as  a
beautiful blue-eyed, blond hair, eight year old girl, Kelley, was dropped
off at school by her handsome, blue-eyed, dark brown hair, middle aged dad.
the passenger seatbelt clicked off, and the door of her family's dark blue
Ford Aerostar van quickly opened.  Kelley's dad said, "See you later
alligator.  I hope you have a great day.  I love you!" "Bye daddy.  I hope
today is fun.  Love you too!"  Adorned with a soft yellow v-neck short
sleeve shirt, dark brown jeans, and  matching brown backpack, she walked
with pep in her step down the sidewalk past the red, white, and blue flag
pole, until she approached the one story bright yellow brick building.  As
the door opened, she felt a rush of cool air.  Teal, her best friend, said,
"You look nice today."  Kelly replied, "Thanks! See you later. I'm going to
class."

     Now in English class, Kelley paused at her teacher's desk to gaze at
family picture frames, along with a red apple, miniature patriotic flag,
black plaque with "Readers are Leaders.", and red leather bible engraved
with the scriptures, Philippians 4:16 and Jeremiah 29:11.  To the left of
the desk, she saw a black chalkboard with the words, "Mrs. Tostada's English
Class."  She walked past a few rows of tables noticing other classmate's
bright colored backpacks, and she sat down in the back.

Kelley looked down at her yellow leather strap watch on her left wrist.
Mrs. Tostada took attendance when class began, and Kelley raised her hand to
notify she was present.  Then  Mrs. Tostada said, "Everyone needs to look at
the chalkboard, as I have written some questions for you to answer about
today's reading of chapter one of "Dare To Dream."  She asked, "Can everyone
see my questions from where they're sitting?"  "Yees!" said the students.
"Great.  After everyone is done reading and answering the questions, we will
discuss them."  Squinting to see the chalkboard, Kelley leaned forward with
her elbows on the table trying her best to see it.  The teacher's writing
was blurry like a camera lens out of focus.  She slowly opened her book on
the rectangular wooden desk, took her patriotic bookmark out of it, and
started reading the assigned chapter.  Turning every page slowly with a
pause, she glanced down at her watch.  Mrs. Tostada said "Okay class, it is
time to discuss the answers.  Kelly, what was your answer for the second
question?"  Looking down, she replied, "Um, I d-d-don't know."  "Are you
sure you don't know?"  "Um, I d-d-don't know."  Mrs. Tostada was puzzled by
her hesitant response, as Kelley was one of her brightest students.

     After class, Mrs. Tostada asked Kelley to stay for a moment.  Mrs.
Tostada asked, "Was there something wrong?"  "Uh, I couldn't see your
writing on the board.  It was fuzzy."  "Why didn't you speak up when I asked
if everyone could see the questions I wrote?"  "I said 'yees' with my
friends."  "Why didn't you just say 'no' if you couldn't see the writing?"
Kelley hesitated, "I don't like feeling different."  Mrs. Tostada suspected
Kelley might be nearsighted.

     After school, Kelly's parents picked her up and informed her that Mrs.
Tostada called to let them know about her difficulty seeing the chalkboard.
Kelley sat silently in the family's van, as they  rushed through traffic to
get to their family optometrist to have her eyes examined. As Kelley waited
with her parents for the examination, her face became bright red as she
crossed her arms and feet, and her hands began to sweat while her legs were
shaking.  A few minutes passed.  Knock knock knock.  A big man with dark
hair and glasses entered the room.   He sat down close to her, reached out
his hand, and he said, "Hi, I am Doctor Glenze.  Your outfit is pretty.  How
are you today, Kelley?"  "I'm a bit cold, but I'm fine."  "There's nothing
to be nervous about.  I'll try to make this examination as quick and
painless as possible.  You know, I have a daughter with blue eyes too.  I
want you to attempt to read some letters on the wall with one eye at a time.
With her right eye covered, Kelley saw three big blurry black horizontal
lines connected to a vertical line towards the top.  With a bright red face,
she said, "I think it's the 'B'."  With her left eye covered, she saw one
big blurry black horizontal line connected to a vertical line.  Again, with
a bright red face, she said, "I think it's an 'l'."  Dr. Glenze said "You
have difficulty seeing at a distance.  In order to see better, you'll need
to wear glasses.  I'm sure your parents can help you find the coolest
prettiest looking ones."   After the examination, Dr. Glenze asked, "Kelly,
would you like to play some games in the waiting area while I talk with your
parents?"  "I don't want to play games. I need to take a  nap."  The door
squeaked, as she left the room.  Dr. Glenze cautiously told them, "She
appears to have  Retinitis Pigmentosa.  I suggest getting a second opinion
to make sure."  Kelly's mother said "A second opinion?  What is this you
suspect she has?"  "RP is a retina disease that first attacks night and
peripheral vision, and then it attacks central along with color vision."
Kelley's mom said, "Near-sightedness runs in my family, but this doesn't."
He responded, "I can refer y'all to Dr. Gonzales, who specializes in
genetics and RP."

While the doctor talked with the parents, Kelly drifted off to fairytale
dream land.  All of the sudden, she was a lifeguard on a beautiful white
beach in Oahu, gazing at the pink golden sun set.  Sitting on her white
chair, wearing a bright red swim suit, she scanned the ocean from a long
distance away as she normally would.  Suddenly, she noticed a boy who looked
no older than six, with red hair, wearing a navy swimsuit, chasing and
swimming after his float that was drifting away.  He had gone against his
mom's rules for when they were in the ocean.  As the waves got faster and
stronger, a panic came over the mom, and she screamed for help.  Since the
other lifeguards had left for the evening, Kelly had to solve this dangerous
situation.  So, she grabbed her lifeguard gear, ran through the sand as fast
as a sprint runner, swam as fast as a mermaid, reached the boy, and brought
him back to shore.  He and his mom were so grateful, as tears of joy rolled
down their faces along with smiles.  His mom said, "Who knows what would
have happened if you had not been there.  I am so grateful that you rescued
my son's life.  How can I ever repay you?"  She said, "Cherish the moments
you have with your son for the rest of your life.  Live life to the fullest
every day, and be thankful for each day he has."

"Kelley! Kelley! Kelley! Come on honey, wake up."  After some nudging from
her mom, she woke up.  Her parents said, "Time to go find you glasses."  "I
hope I don't look like a nerd." "You'll find the coolest and prettiest
looking ones.  The frames will be your favorite color!"  Although, she did
not like every pair she tried on, pretending to be someone else with each
pair she wore was fun.  After half an hour passed, she narrowed her options
to three pairs; purple, light green, and sparkly pink.  Kelley decided on
the pink pair, and Her parent's smiled with aprovement.  Her parents bought
them in a hury, so they could rush through traffic to the next eye
appointment with Dr. Gonzales. 

     engulfed in a pitch black room, Kelley uncomfortably pressed her
forehead and chin against a metal white sphere opening with a chin mold.
Eyes blinking fast, Kelley occasionally saw a bright red flashing dot, and
quickly pressed a button notifying the dot she saw.  A half an hour later,
with heavy eyelids opening and closing, they closed for a long time while
she slept. Waiting in Dr. Gonzales's sterall white hospital office, her
parent's eyes squint, sweaty forheads wrinkle, lower eyelids droop, top
teeth gritt lower teeth, and hands rapidly shake.  As Dr. Gonzales walked
into his office, he energetically asked, "How are y'all doing this
afternoon?" They lethargically answered, "We're okay." "I'm so sorry to tell
y'all this, but Kelley has RP.  Does anyone on either side of your families
have this?"  Their eyes locked still at each other, they angrily remarked,
"Noooo! Of course not."  Dr. Gonzales politely explained, "This RP is
recessive, and it's rare.  RP progresses in each person's eyes randomly
throughout their life."  After talking with him, they weaped loudly while
waiting on black leather chairs for Kelley.

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